For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: Larry and I have been married for 12 years. We have never kept secrets from each other -- but I have one that I have never told him. It happened 20 years ago.
I was a single mom. My daughter and I lived in a poor neighborhood. It was raining and I didn't have a car or money for a bus, so I hitched a ride. A man picked us up. He took us to her grammar school; I thanked him and got out.
After I got my daughter inside, I went back out. The man was still there. He told me to get in and offered to take me where I needed to go. Like a dummy, I got back in the car. He drove to a secluded area, parked, told me he had a knife and said he would kill me if I didn't perform a sex act on him. I complied because I thought he meant what he said.
Later he drove me back downtown and, when he stopped for a light, I jumped out. I never looked back. I never told anyone, not even the police. I was too ashamed. Should I tell my husband now? I don't want to hurt him or our marriage. I feel like such a fool! -- ASHAMED IN IDAHO
DEAR ASHAMED: You're not a "dummy" and you're not a "fool." You were in a bind, you were trusting, and you were assaulted. The person who should be ashamed is the criminal who perpetrated the act -- not you. You were the victim, and you weren't at fault. Victims are never at fault for the crimes committed against them.
Not knowing your husband, I can't decide for you whether or not disclosing the assault would be good or bad for your marriage. However, if you will call the Rape, Abuse, Incest National Network (RAINN), the counselors there will connect you with a crisis center in your local area -- as they do for countless victims of sexual assault all over the country -- and they can help you make this important decision. The toll-free number is (800) 656-4673. Please don't wait any longer to get the help you need to finally close this sad chapter in your life.
DEAR ABBY: Our family just returned from a funeral, and "Aunt Mabel" is enjoying one of her favorite pastimes. She loves to discuss in great detail the survivors' reactions. She will tell anyone who will listen the exact reaction of each loved one when they heard the bad news and how they are "holding up."
I hate the thought that she'll be discussing me that way someday. It violates my sense of privacy for the people she is gossiping about.
This isn't just a nervous reaction on her part. Aunt Mabel will be telling the same stories with relish three years from now.
Is this a common topic of conversation? Are there some privacy issues here? What would be an appropriate reaction next time she launches into her blow-by-blow of grief? -- MABEL'S NIECE
DEAR NIECE: You have described someone who has nothing else to talk about and who takes pleasure in the pain of others. The next time Aunt Mabel raises the subject, tell her that hearing about people's emotional pain depresses you. Then ask her if she's seen any good movies lately -- or the latest episode of "Dancing With the Stars."
Too Much Honesty Is Unwise Policy for Opinionated Teen
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 14-year-old boy, "Todd," whom I have taught to be honest and open with me. Todd and I are best friends, which is rare to hear these days. He is very smart, active with anything to do with the outdoors, and he also does very well in school.
My problem is, Todd is so open with how he feels that he comes across as being rude, argumentative and disrespectful. He tells me that he's not trying to be, that he's just voicing his opinion and how he feels -- and that should not be wrong. In some ways, my son is right. But trying to teach him that there's a time and place for his opinions has proven extremely difficult.
I am proud to have a son I don't have to worry about in the sense of lying, stealing, running around getting into all kinds of trouble. At 14, you'd expect some kind of misbehavior. But when he does get into trouble, it's because of what he says -- not what he does.
How can I undo what I have done, and teach Todd that everything he thinks and feels should not fly out of his mouth the minute he has those thoughts and feelings? I'm scared he'll get into serious trouble if I can't teach him there's a time and place to voice his opinions. How can I make him understand the difference between what really needs to be expressed and what does not so it doesn't hinder his future? I mean, sharing your true feelings with your boss could get you fired, and telling your teachers they don't know what they're talking about can cause detentions that go on your record.
How can I tell my son to be quiet when all his life I have told him to just talk to me? -- FEELING LOST AND GUILTY IN THE USA
DEAR FEELING LOST AND GUILTY: Explain that honesty is a virtue -- unless it is used as a club to hurt others. Diplomacy is a skill that has to be learned. There is a time and place for everything, and before your son shoots off his mouth he should ask himself three questions: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it true? Instruct him that he needs to apply that rule to his interactions with his teachers and contemporaries.
If the young man is unable to do that, he could benefit by being evaluated by a licensed mental health professional because he may need therapy or coaching in social skills.
DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that I am pregnant, and I'm already having problems with morning sickness. I do my best not to let it conflict with my work schedule in any way.
My OB/GYN suggested that to help ease the nausea that occurs throughout the day that I eat six times a day in small portions. I have taken her advice and normally have a snack of crackers, a granola bar or some fruit before and after lunch. It isn't a problem because most of my co-workers snack anyway.
My problem is my co-workers seem to have no hesitation about coming around my desk to grab whatever I am eating and helping themselves! I keep a basket full of candy on the front of my desk for others to enjoy. I do not understand why they think it's OK to steal my crackers -- particularly under the circumstances. I don't want to seem rude, but I feel I should speak up. Any suggestions? -- HUNGRY MOM, GREENVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR HUNGRY MOM: How about telling them the truth? You're suffering from morning sickness, your doctor suggested that you eat the food they're stealing in order to combat the nausea, but they're welcome to the candy in the basket. Period. And if they persist, then keep your rations in a locked drawer or strong box under your desk.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Trucker's Lonely Wife Craves Four Legged Companionship
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jim" for 12 years. We recently got a dog, and I knew he wouldn't want her living in the house. I love dogs, and she's a very small breed. I want her to live in the house as a member of the family, but every time I mention it, Jim gets angry and says he just won't come home as often.
My husband drives a truck and is often gone for weeks at a time. This has put a real stress on our relationship. I find his opinion cruel and inhumane. Should I push the issue or just drop it? -- LONELY IN BURLEY, IDAHO
DEAR LONELY: You forgot to mention that your husband is also somewhat selfish. He should be glad that you have a four-legged friend instead of a two-legged one. If he is gone for weeks at a time, it should not be surprising that you would like companionship during his extended absence.
Pets do best when they are a part of the household because they are usually better trained and better behaved, so stand your ground. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for threatening you, because the problem isn't the dog; it's that he's gone so much.
DEAR ABBY: Please do your readers a favor and advise them to keep a copy of their own medical history. When they have any medical work done, such as an EKG, blood work, X-rays, etc., request a copy from their doctor for their records.
According to our state board of physicians, while doctors are required to maintain their patients' medical history for five years, there is no incentive, oversight or penalty to ensure that they actually do.
I found this out when the clinic I went to disbanded, and medical records over six months old were discarded. I lost 20 years of my medical history and learned of other patients in the same boat. Now I ask for copies of everything. -- LEARNED TOO LATE IN MARYLAND
DEAR LEARNED TOO LATE: That's good advice, and I'm pleased to help you publicize the message. The kind of record-keeping you describe has never been easier. I have received samples (in years past) of "workbooks" for filing medical and insurance information that can be purchased at local bookstores. I only wish they had been available to my mother when my brother and I were children. Then we wouldn't have to ask ourselves, "Was it chicken pox or measles? Mumps or swollen glands?"
DEAR ABBY: My teenage daughter, "Dayna," is asked to baby-sit by a neighbor who seems to ask her only when the other teenage girl in the neighborhood is unavailable. This doesn't bother her so much as the fact that the last time she baby-sat, she was paid less than what the other teenager receives. Dayna is friendly with the other girl, and they talk, so my daughter was very hurt when she found out the neighbor thought she was worth less.
If Dayna is asked to baby-sit again, what should she say to these parents without causing a rift in the neighborhood? -- CONCERNED MOM IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Baby-sitting is a business. When the neighbor calls, now that your daughter knows what her friend is being paid, she should tell the neighbor that her price has gone up and state what it is. Your daughter is under no obligation to tell the woman why, and if the woman is intelligent, she won't have to ask, because she will know the girls compared notes.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)