To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Too Much Honesty Is Unwise Policy for Opinionated Teen
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother of a 14-year-old boy, "Todd," whom I have taught to be honest and open with me. Todd and I are best friends, which is rare to hear these days. He is very smart, active with anything to do with the outdoors, and he also does very well in school.
My problem is, Todd is so open with how he feels that he comes across as being rude, argumentative and disrespectful. He tells me that he's not trying to be, that he's just voicing his opinion and how he feels -- and that should not be wrong. In some ways, my son is right. But trying to teach him that there's a time and place for his opinions has proven extremely difficult.
I am proud to have a son I don't have to worry about in the sense of lying, stealing, running around getting into all kinds of trouble. At 14, you'd expect some kind of misbehavior. But when he does get into trouble, it's because of what he says -- not what he does.
How can I undo what I have done, and teach Todd that everything he thinks and feels should not fly out of his mouth the minute he has those thoughts and feelings? I'm scared he'll get into serious trouble if I can't teach him there's a time and place to voice his opinions. How can I make him understand the difference between what really needs to be expressed and what does not so it doesn't hinder his future? I mean, sharing your true feelings with your boss could get you fired, and telling your teachers they don't know what they're talking about can cause detentions that go on your record.
How can I tell my son to be quiet when all his life I have told him to just talk to me? -- FEELING LOST AND GUILTY IN THE USA
DEAR FEELING LOST AND GUILTY: Explain that honesty is a virtue -- unless it is used as a club to hurt others. Diplomacy is a skill that has to be learned. There is a time and place for everything, and before your son shoots off his mouth he should ask himself three questions: Is it kind? Is it helpful? Is it true? Instruct him that he needs to apply that rule to his interactions with his teachers and contemporaries.
If the young man is unable to do that, he could benefit by being evaluated by a licensed mental health professional because he may need therapy or coaching in social skills.
DEAR ABBY: I recently learned that I am pregnant, and I'm already having problems with morning sickness. I do my best not to let it conflict with my work schedule in any way.
My OB/GYN suggested that to help ease the nausea that occurs throughout the day that I eat six times a day in small portions. I have taken her advice and normally have a snack of crackers, a granola bar or some fruit before and after lunch. It isn't a problem because most of my co-workers snack anyway.
My problem is my co-workers seem to have no hesitation about coming around my desk to grab whatever I am eating and helping themselves! I keep a basket full of candy on the front of my desk for others to enjoy. I do not understand why they think it's OK to steal my crackers -- particularly under the circumstances. I don't want to seem rude, but I feel I should speak up. Any suggestions? -- HUNGRY MOM, GREENVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR HUNGRY MOM: How about telling them the truth? You're suffering from morning sickness, your doctor suggested that you eat the food they're stealing in order to combat the nausea, but they're welcome to the candy in the basket. Period. And if they persist, then keep your rations in a locked drawer or strong box under your desk.
Trucker's Lonely Wife Craves Four Legged Companionship
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jim" for 12 years. We recently got a dog, and I knew he wouldn't want her living in the house. I love dogs, and she's a very small breed. I want her to live in the house as a member of the family, but every time I mention it, Jim gets angry and says he just won't come home as often.
My husband drives a truck and is often gone for weeks at a time. This has put a real stress on our relationship. I find his opinion cruel and inhumane. Should I push the issue or just drop it? -- LONELY IN BURLEY, IDAHO
DEAR LONELY: You forgot to mention that your husband is also somewhat selfish. He should be glad that you have a four-legged friend instead of a two-legged one. If he is gone for weeks at a time, it should not be surprising that you would like companionship during his extended absence.
Pets do best when they are a part of the household because they are usually better trained and better behaved, so stand your ground. Your husband should be ashamed of himself for threatening you, because the problem isn't the dog; it's that he's gone so much.
DEAR ABBY: Please do your readers a favor and advise them to keep a copy of their own medical history. When they have any medical work done, such as an EKG, blood work, X-rays, etc., request a copy from their doctor for their records.
According to our state board of physicians, while doctors are required to maintain their patients' medical history for five years, there is no incentive, oversight or penalty to ensure that they actually do.
I found this out when the clinic I went to disbanded, and medical records over six months old were discarded. I lost 20 years of my medical history and learned of other patients in the same boat. Now I ask for copies of everything. -- LEARNED TOO LATE IN MARYLAND
DEAR LEARNED TOO LATE: That's good advice, and I'm pleased to help you publicize the message. The kind of record-keeping you describe has never been easier. I have received samples (in years past) of "workbooks" for filing medical and insurance information that can be purchased at local bookstores. I only wish they had been available to my mother when my brother and I were children. Then we wouldn't have to ask ourselves, "Was it chicken pox or measles? Mumps or swollen glands?"
DEAR ABBY: My teenage daughter, "Dayna," is asked to baby-sit by a neighbor who seems to ask her only when the other teenage girl in the neighborhood is unavailable. This doesn't bother her so much as the fact that the last time she baby-sat, she was paid less than what the other teenager receives. Dayna is friendly with the other girl, and they talk, so my daughter was very hurt when she found out the neighbor thought she was worth less.
If Dayna is asked to baby-sit again, what should she say to these parents without causing a rift in the neighborhood? -- CONCERNED MOM IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR CONCERNED MOM: Baby-sitting is a business. When the neighbor calls, now that your daughter knows what her friend is being paid, she should tell the neighbor that her price has gone up and state what it is. Your daughter is under no obligation to tell the woman why, and if the woman is intelligent, she won't have to ask, because she will know the girls compared notes.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Dating Is a Struggle for Man Without a Song in His Heart
DEAR ABBY: I am one of those rare individuals who has no interest in music of any kind. I never listen to it, and if it's being played where I happen to be -- I block it out.
I don't sing, hum, keep a beat or dance. I don't even own any CDs. I have always been this way. My former wife tolerated it because I was interested in, and well-informed about, all the other arts that didn't include music.
I am now divorced and dating again. The first thing any date or prospect wants to know is the kind of music I like, and if I like to dance. If I say I have no interest in music, I'm immediately considered a bit weird. I can't fake it, either, because I know nothing about performers, past or present, or the music they play.
What's the best way to handle this apparent negative when I want to date? I'm normal in every other way. I don't hate music; I just don't care about it one way or another. And, are there others like me? -- TUNED OUT IN AKRON, OHIO
DEAR TUNED OUT: I'm sure there are many. One way to handle your problem would be to be honest when asked about your preference in music -- and quickly add, that you do enjoy the theater, movies, art exhibits, etc., and extend an invitation.
However, an even better way to deal with it would be to sign up for some dance lessons. Knowing how to steer a woman across the floor and make her look good is a tremendous social asset for any man. Trust me on that, because I'm speaking from personal experience.
DEAR ABBY: I need your advice about a touchy subject. I am reuniting with my high school sweetheart, "Arthur." We dated 50 years ago. Arthur lost his wife of 44 years a little over a year ago, and started a long-distance relationship with me on the phone and writing letters. He lives in Ohio; I had moved to Florida.
Arthur has asked me to marry him and move into his lovely home, but he has his wife's sister living there. I don't think I could be myself under the same roof as his deceased wife's sister.
Arthur says he hopes I can change my mind, because she has nowhere to go. I have a feeling the family would resent me if I insist she find another place to live. He says if he has to, he will ask her to leave, but that makes me feel guilty. I am 67, Arthur is 70, and the sister-in-law is in her 70s. She works full time and gets Social Security. What do you think? -- IRIS IN FT. MYERS, FLA.
DEAR IRIS: My first reaction to your question was to tell you the woman should leave. Then I got to thinking ... stranger living situations have worked out. Have you met her? Would she welcome or resent you? Wouldn't it be interesting if it turned out you liked each other, and the communal aspect of living together turned out to be a positive and didn't interfere with your romantic relationship with Arthur? I suggest you go for a long visit before making up your mind either way.
DEAR ABBY: The company I work for has recently moved into a new building in a brand-new business complex. My boss wants to have an open house, but right now we're still finalizing items in the building: reception furniture, a few desks, work spaces, art for the walls, etc.
How long is too long since we moved in to hold the open house? -- HELPING THE BOSS
DEAR HELPING: Hold the open house when the place is "presentable." That means, when the furniture is in and the art is hung. Everything doesn't have to be "perfect" -- but it should be close to completion if not finished.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)