For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Delivering Bad News Is Hard for Some Employers to Handle
DEAR ABBY: What has happened to professional courtesy in the workplace? I am a high school teacher, and recently a colleague learned that he was being replaced by another teacher when he read it in the school board minutes! The principal did not even extend the courtesy of telling him in person -- although his room and her office are only yards apart. Abby, that teacher could have been applying for other jobs.
Another example: My daughter works in the television industry and is quite successful. Months ago, she was contacted by a major network asking if she was interested in applying for an opening with them. They interviewed her twice, then flew her cross-country at their expense for a final interview, at which time she was told she would hear from them the following week. That was two months ago. Is it that difficult for a prospective employer to call and say, "We offered the position to someone else," or "We haven't decided yet"?
Finally, my son, a college student, was told he would hear in one week when he was to start a new job. That was five weeks ago. Couldn't the employer have been honest up front and told him that perhaps they wouldn't need him right then? My son could have accepted another job and have been earning money instead of waiting.
Employers: Prospective employees have lives and obligations. Put yourselves in their shoes. How would you like to put your life on hold while someone dangles a carrot in front of you? Please show some professional courtesy! -- DISAPPOINTED IN NEWPORT, PA.
DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Sometimes people have an aversion to giving others bad news, so they say nothing, figuring the message will get out -- eventually. Obviously, the principal wimped out rather than face the teacher and tell him his contract would not be renewed.
As for your daughter's experience, "show biz" is notorious for its lack of empathy -- and even honesty -- when it comes to telling someone things aren't working out. I hope she lands a higher-paying job at another network.
Your son's experience this summer could provide a valuable lesson for him. In the future, if someone tells him he'll get word in seven days and it doesn't happen, he should resume his job search on day No. 8. Period.
DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and I have a problem. When I call some of my "friends," they don't return my calls. But the thing is, they said they'd return my calls. Well, guess what -- they haven't!
The only friend I feel I actually have is my boyfriend, but I need a friend who's a girl. My mom and dad say, "Wait for them to come to you," but I have been doing it for five years. I have a little brother, but he's annoying! I feel lonely, but also like a "nudge." What should I do? -- LONELY AND BAMBOOZLED IN S. CAROLINA
DEAR LONELY: I'm sure that, at one time or another, everyone has promised to call someone and it has slipped his or her mind. However, when it happens consistently, then the promise-breakers are sending a message -- and the message is they are not "friends."
Five years is more than enough time to "wait" for people to respond to offers of friendship. Please tell your parents that the time has come to help you get involved in activities outside this circle of acquaintances -- possibly extracurricular activities and/or religious-based youth activities so you can meet girls who will be more inclusive. Boyfriends may be great, but girlfriends usually last longer.
DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son, "Clay," took his grandmother's car while she was sleeping to run over to his friend's house around the corner. He doesn't have a driver's license, and ended up wrecking her car, which is completely totaled.
His uncle and I want our mom to press charges against him, but she doesn't want to. Clay is my son and I love him, but I think he needs to step up, act like an adult and take responsibility. Should we make her press charges? -- DISGUSTED IN GALVESTON, TEXAS
DEAR DISGUSTED: At 19, your son is no longer a child. How is he going to learn about consequences if he isn't forced to take responsibility for his actions? Although I'm not sure you can force your mother to press charges, if your son is living at home, you can insist that he somehow make restitution for the damage he caused.
As it stands, this young man has already broken two laws -- driving without a license and car theft. (I wonder if he was also under the influence when he totaled the car.)
Perhaps you, your son and your mother can agree on an amount and a schedule of repayment.
DEAR ABBY: A friend recently announced that she's pregnant. She has a stepson and another child with her husband. Last week, I received an e-mail from her giving me her sister-in-law's contact information. In it, she said that she's leaving it up to "us" to "work out the details" of the shower!
I was stunned because I wasn't aware that I was expected to help plan the shower or to contribute to it financially. I provided the cake and half the food for her first one, and I was happy to do it. I didn't know I was "expected" to do it again without being asked.
Is it the norm to have a second baby shower? And isn't a baby shower supposed to be a surprise for the new mom? Am I wrong for feeling that her attitude is presumptuous? I don't mind preparing food or the cake, but how do I tactfully tell her and her sister-in-law that I cannot contribute financially to this? -- "RATTLED" IN ILLINOIS
DEAR "RATTLED": Years ago, there was a rule of etiquette that one baby shower to a customer was enough. However, more recently, people have come to recognize that the birth of every child should be celebrated. It can be a surprise for the new mother, or not.
However, a shower is a gift -- and for your friend to have expected one or solicited one is wrong. I recommend that you tell her in plain English what you are prepared to do and what you cannot. The food or the cake should be more than enough.
DEAR READERS: If someone you know aspires to a career in news reporting, and you're wondering what would be a perfect holiday gift for him or her, a copy of Helen Thomas' new book, "Watchdogs of Democracy?" would be an excellent choice.
Helen (a.k.a. "The Lady in Red") is a trailblazing journalist who has covered the White House beat through nine presidencies and has much to say in this readable little volume.
One of the most fascinating conversationalists I know, Helen Thomas' comments about what it takes to be a responsible journalist should be read not only by anyone who wants to be one, but also anyone who looks to the news as a way of staying informed.
Published by Scribner, the book is available in bookstores and on amazon.com.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Angry Husband's Setbacks Throw Family Into Turmoil
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jimmy," and I moved to the United States from an Asian country 15 years ago. About seven years ago, he lost a lot of money in the stock market. After that, he quit his well-paying job to do day trading and recover the money he lost. He has tried several strategies; none has made any money.
I have a good job, so Jimmy doesn't feel pressured to support his family. However, he's become chronically angry, constantly criticizing me and the kids. His self-esteem is down and he has become extremely impatient, giving me and the kids the silent treatment for days and weeks over little things that make him angry.
Both of our families are back home in Asia, and I do not have a strong support system here. Jimmy doesn't care about socializing with people from our culture and doesn't go out with the family. I have suggested counseling; he doesn't have much faith in it. I have gone for two counseling sessions on my own, which helped me to recognize that he's being verbally abusive.
The negativity in our house is so bad that even our kids don't want to be in the same room as their father. I have considered divorce, but it's not easily accepted in my culture, and I am afraid of being on my own and scared of making such a big decision.
I have tried everything -- offering to help him, be there for him, trying to appease him when he's angry, even though it's not my fault, giving him his space, etc. We are living together for convenience and practicality, but there is no relationship left. We live parallel lives and avoid each other.
Even before changing professions, Jimmy was arrogant, difficult to get along with and had a temper -- but now it has gone from bad to worse. I don't know what to do anymore. Any suggestions you can give would be helpful. -- BEWILDERED ASIAN WIFE
DEAR BEWILDERED WIFE: Your husband used the stock market to gamble, and he lost big time -- as did a lot of other investors who mistook the stock market for a sure thing. He may be mad at the world, but he's probably angrier at himself, and he appears to be taking it out on the people closest to him.
You can't fix him. Until your husband is ready to admit that he is the problem -- and do something about it -- the best advice I can offer is to consider carefully how his abusive behavior is affecting your children. If you stay, your son(s) will grow up thinking this is normal, and probably repeat it with their wives. And your daughter(s) will likely marry someone "just like dear old Dad."
My advice is to offer your husband the option of counseling one more time, and if he refuses, to consult an attorney about a legal separation. That way you will no longer be responsible for any more debt he may incur. And then, either get him out of the house or take the children to a healthier environment. It wouldn't have to be fancy -- just tension-free. You absolutely cannot continue being the golden goose that gets kicked around. It's bad for you, destructive for your children, and it isn't helping your husband.
P.S. More counseling for you is a must! It will serve as the support system you need while your family goes through this period of transition.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY READERS: Have a safe and happy Thanksgiving!
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