For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MEN URGE STRONG-ARM RESPONSE TO BEAR-HUGGING 'UNCLE HARRY'
DEAR READERS: On Tuesday, I shared the responses I received from women to a letter from a lady, "No Hugs Please," (9/13) in Alabama. She asked what could be done about "Uncle Harry," a man in his mid-70s who insists on bear-hugging almost all of the women he meets. The letter generated many responses from male readers. And I thought you might be interested to see how they felt he should be "handled." Read on:
DEAR ABBY: May I offer a method that's fast, effective and creates very little attention: When Uncle Harry approaches with open arms, the woman should hold her upper arms close to her chest and slide her forearms up and in front of her breasts. Clenching her fists will provide strength to her upper arms. This position will protect her breasts from contact with Uncle Harry and increase the circumference for her upper body, making a bear hug more difficult.
While holding this posture, she should make direct eye contact and firmly say, "No!" Nothing more. A wishy-washy response will not be effective. He may object, cajole or question, but regardless of what he says, or how many times he persists, her only response should be to repeat, "I said, 'No!'" or, "I do not want you to hug me."
In the unlikely event that he gets loud in an attempt to embarrass her, he's the one who will look like the fool. And anyone who observes the scene will look at her in admiration. -- AN OLD MAN WHO KNOWS WHAT WORKS
DEAR ABBY: Uncle Harry undoubtedly is a sexually abusive pervert. His wife may be "one of the finest Christians in the area," but you can depend on the fact that she already knows about and tolerates his behavior. The other "Christian women" who do not object when he gropes them simply accept his abuse and support his rationalization of "Christian fellowship."
Don't confuse spirituality with reality. What can be done about Uncle Harry? Go to court for a restraining order, or continue to be victims. -- NEIL IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR ABBY: My doctoral minor was in human sexual behavior, and Uncle Harry's groping is neither normal nor acceptable. His family needs to see he receives adequate professional help, and soon, before he "graduates" to a more serious type of activity.
If this doesn't help, there are two sure-fire remedies: First, the offended ladies should complain to their local police about his unwanted sexual molestations (they're criminal acts). His family might be embarrassed by the press coverage, and a judge may demand professional treatment.
The other remedy is for each offended lady to give him a swift with-all-their-might knee to the crotch. His family may need to see that he gets medical treatment -- and professional help -- but it's better than what some irate husband may do to him. -- PH.D. IN ALBUQUERQUE, N.M.
DEAR ABBY: I know a lady who had the same problem, and after three warnings, she finally became fed up. She was a black belt in karate. Needless to say, it worked like a charm. And after another woman did the same thing to the man, he started being an even better "Christian."
If the men won't put a stop to it, then the ladies have no choice and must act. This type of behavior does not stop on its own. -- ON THE LADIES' SIDE IN N.Y.
CALL POLICE BANNERS CAN BE LIFESAVERS IN AN EMERGENCY
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I remember reading about some Please Call Police banners you mentioned in your column. Do you know if they are still available? I am 90 years old, live alone and I can't walk very well. I live in a house on a city block with quite a few vacant lots.
My phone went out, and I had no way to call for help. I turned my U.S. flag upside down because I had read that it's a distress signal that everyone can understand -- but nobody stopped. Finally, I saw two girls walking by. I called out to them and asked them to please go to the police and call about my telephone. Abby, I was alone without a phone for 30 days!
I would like to order a set of those banners for my window in case of another emergency, and I'd also like a set for my daughter who travels alone. Do you know how I can order them? -- CLOSE CALL IN VIRGINIA
DEAR CLOSE CALL: Thirty days isolated in a house with no means of communication? Your letter gave me chills. Yes, the Please Call Police banners are still available. Other readers have written me to say they have been a literal lifesaver in case of an emergency.
I keep two banners in the glove compartment of my car -- one for the windshield and another for the rear window. Although most people have cell phones these days, invariably there are "dead spots" where the phone doesn't work, and it's better to be safe than sorry.
The Please Call Police banners make ideal stocking stuffers and provide a safety measure for people to give their loved ones, but they also assist the Westside Center for Independent Living (WCIL), a nonprofit organization that helps people with disabilities to live more independent lives. They make thoughtful, caring gifts for very little money for Thanksgiving and other holidays, providing security and safety to commuters who travel in good or bad weather.
This year, in addition to the banners, WCIL is offering emergency blankets made of silver-colored Mylar. They weigh 2 ounces, and also fit easily into a glove compartment, backpack -- even a purse. Events over the last few years have repeatedly emphasized the need for emergency preparedness, and the blankets -- in addition to the banners -- would be attention-getting reflective devices if someone is lost or trapped and unable to call out.
The banners and the blankets can be purchased by writing to WCIL. To order, send check or money order (U.S. funds only, please) to: WCIL Banners or Blankets, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. You will receive one banner or one blanket for a $5 contribution and each additional blanket or banner for a $4 contribution. (Please include $1 per total order for postage and handling.) For more information and secure ordering online, visit www.wcil.org and click on the "Police Banners" or "Emergency Blankets" link. Allow four to six weeks for delivery.
DEAR ABBY: I have lived, so far, through eight years of hell with my husband. The one year of heaven was the year before we were married. I won't go into the hell I have been put through, I just want your definition of a real man. If you put this in the paper, please don't reveal my name. - - NEEDS TO KNOW IN SACRAMENTO
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: I'm willing to bet that if you asked 10 people for their definition of a "real man," you'd get a different answer from each one. However, to me, a "real man" is a person of the male gender who lives his life with integrity, puts his responsibility toward his family before his own selfish interests, and doesn't have to prove to himself or others that he is a "real man."
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Minister Uses Direct Defense Against Unwelcome Embraces
DEAR ABBY: I identified with the woman signed "No Hugs, Please," who complained of a man who considers himself a "good Christian" yet dispenses lecherous hugs in the name of fellowship. I am a slim, attractive female who is a United Methodist minister, and three older men in our church fall into the same category. Here's how I handled it:
When one of the men zeroed in on me prior to worship as I was greeting people and proclaimed, "I need a big hug!" I quickly stepped back, pointed to his wife and said, "There ... help yourself!" He's never tried hugging me again.
More often, when I see these predators coming, I simply extend one hand out to shake, and put my other hand on their shoulder to physically keep them at bay. After a brief handshake, I move away. That way, I'm in control of the situation. -- PASTOR IN TEXAS
DEAR PASTOR: I heard from a number of readers of both sexes about how common this problem is. Thank you for sharing with my readers your successful technique. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I have worked in the field of violence against women for six years. No one has the right to touch anyone without permission. Once "Uncle Harry" has been told by these women not to hug them anymore, he's legally obligated to cease. He needs to understand that if he continues to hug women who have asked him to stop, he may be breaking the law and could be arrested. Everyone has a right to her (or his) personal space. -- GIGI IN HAWAII
DEAR ABBY: Your response to "No Hugs, Please" regarding thumbtacks in bras was just bizarre. Just because the man is in his 70s and goes to church doesn't mean he shouldn't be held responsible for sexual harassment.
I'm also curious as to who a "fine" Christian such as Uncle Harry is married to. A woman who turns a blind eye to her husband's lecherous behavior is nothing but a fine example of denial! -- ZERO TOLERANCE FOR LECHERY, GOLDEN, COLO.
DEAR ABBY: Uncle Harry, the older man who loves to hug women, pretending it's not sexual, won't be put off by simply being told, "Don't hug me." He'll laugh and hug harder, just to prove he's in control.
I've found it useful to pretend I don't know there's any sexual component behind such behavior. Example, call out nice and loud, "Ow! You're hurting me!" no matter how gently he hugs.
If you accuse him of improper intent, he'll only deny it. But if you state that he's causing you physical pain -- he can't deny that. It worked for me with a former co-worker who was a lot worse than Uncle Harry. -- MILLIE IN ROCHESTER, N.Y.
DEAR ABBY: Tacks in bras? Please say you were kidding. That's the old passive-aggressive way women dealt with men in the past because they were afraid to stand up for their rights and feelings. Imagine a child trying to hug you with those tacks. Besides, the sight of little points sticking out of my bra and dress is enough to send me into hysterics. -- DEALT WITH IT VERBALLY IN FLA.
DEAR ABBY: I loved your reply regarding lecherous Uncle Harry. As long as he doesn't over-hug, he won't get the "point." Thanks! -- K.J. IN WINDSOR, COLO.
READERS: Today you have seen what the women have to say. On Thursday, I think you'll be equally interested in seeing the responses I received from the men!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)