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DEAR ABBY: My life has been turned upside down over the last year. My husband, "Grant," the stepfather of my children, committed suicide in May of 2005. It was awful, but his parents have made it much worse for my children and me. They blame me for his death.
His mother actually told me it was my fault because Grant and I argued the morning of his death. They have treated me horribly even though I tried to reach out to them and be fair with all his belongings. I haven't spoken to either one of them in months, but it breaks my heart that they feel I am to blame.
Should I contact Grant's parents and let them know how bad they have hurt me, or should I just let it go and try to heal on my own? It would be nice to be able to talk to them about him, and for my daughters, who loved him and called him Dad, to be able to talk to his parents about him. We miss him terribly and miss Nana and Papa, too. -- GRIEVING IN CHATSWORTH, GA.
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss. However, unless you are prepared for yet another round of blame and rejection, I don't think it would be productive to contact your former in-laws again. Nana and Papa owe you an apology, but don't hold your breath expecting one if they haven't talked to you for more than a year.
Your husband's mother struck out at you out of ignorance and anger. Mentally healthy people do not kill themselves because they had a quarrel with their spouse that morning. Obviously, more was going on with your husband than that, and probably had been for some time.
You will find the comfort you need by joining a grief support group such as the American Association of Suicidology, which provides referrals to local self-help groups for survivors of suicide. Check out the Web site at www.suicidology.org.
DEAR ABBY: Mother is 74. She recently married a man who is a registered sex offender. She found out about his past on their second date, but swallowed his story about how he was innocent of his crime. She married him after only three weeks of dating and hid his past from our entire family.
My teenage daughter discovered his mug shot on the Internet and, of course, all hell has broken loose as a result. Our family is torn apart. We (my brother, sister-in-law, grown children, nieces) had told my mother we didn't want him around our children, but we still wanted her in our lives. She became insulted and gave us an ultimatum -- it's a package deal with her and him, or she'd have no contact with us at all.
After three months of silence, she is now trying to contact us to tell us we have no right to judge him and she's trying on convince us to accept him as the new grandfather. We are being barraged with calls and letters from her, trying to get us to see "her" side.
Are we being too judgmental, or are we right to try to keep him away from our kids? This is her fourth marriage, her fifth serious relationship. Her second husband molested her two young granddaughters many years ago, and this new man has just been too much to bear. What should we do? -- SUSAN, SOMEWHERE IN MISSOURI
DEAR SUSAN: Stick to your guns. Your mother appears to be "snake bit" when it comes to selecting mates. Although you may love and miss your mother, your first duty as parents must be to protect your minor children.
Family's Dislike of Father Lives on in Dislike of Son
DEAR ABBY: My youngest son, "Quinn," is 13 and has one of the most tender hearts I've ever seen. He can't stand to see anyone be hurt or left out. My husband died when Quinn was 18 months old. Quinn will make someone a wonderful husband one day. I know, because he displays these traits already.
I recently had major surgery. Quinn was the one who took care of me when I got out of the hospital. It wasn't because I asked him to, but because he wanted to. He didn't miss a day of school, but the minute he got home he was right there to see what I needed.
We spend a lot of time with our church family, and they love him, as do all his friends in the youth group. They invite him to hang out with them and think he's a great kid.
My problem is that my mother and siblings dislike my son. They think he's lazy because he's overweight, and they say he has no personality. They never liked his father and accused him of being "controlling." They think Quinn is the same way. It started when he was a baby. They complained he was "too clingy" and a "crybaby." How can a grandmother shower so much love on all her grandchildren except one?
My son is neither stupid nor insensitive. He's aware of how the family feels. That's why I have decided to keep him away from family events. I no longer attend, either. The last time I was at my parents' house I got so upset that when Mother left the room, I removed Quinn's pictures from the collage on the fridge and took them home. They don't love him -- why should he be there? As I suspected, they haven't even noticed, or they just don't care.
I'm considering moving to get away from these people before they do any more damage. Talking to them is futile. Am I being petty? What would you do? Your advice would be appreciated. -- QUINN'S MOM IN OREGON
DEAR MOM: Are you being petty? Removing the photographs was petty. Should you move? That would be overreacting to an unpleasant situation -- particularly in light of the fact that you and your son have an excellent support system in your "church family." And, in a sense, because Quinn's father is deceased and you are all he has, he needs that outside support. The young man appears to have shouldered a great deal of responsibility for someone so young.
Moving away is not the answer. Keeping some distance from your family would be a better idea. Nutritional counseling for Quinn, along with professional counseling for you to help you deal with your anger, would also be helpful. I suspect there are issues in your relationship with your mother and siblings that need to be examined. Deal with those and your problems will be resolved.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 30 years. Over the last couple of years, she has been going to weddings, etc. by herself, vs. our going as a couple as before. Her excuse is that they are "her" friends, and only she was invited.
I think this is unusual, and it seems like they are occasions when couples should attend. Am I wrong in feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN CINCINNATI
DEAR LEFT OUT: Good manners require that when a married person is invited to a wedding, the spouse be included. The same applies to couples parties. If the "etc." you referred to in your letter is a get-together for women only, that may be the reason you were excluded. However, because there could be other reasons why this is happening, this is a subject about which you and your wife are overdue for a heart-to-heart chat.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Riding Herd on Grandchildren Leaves Grandma Stressed Out
DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother of five. I love my children and their children. However, when they visit, the parents of my grandchildren rarely supervise them. My house and yard are somewhat "childproof," but the kids still get into a lot of things they shouldn't. As I am the only one who seems to witness this, I feel like I am forced to be the baby sitter rather than being able to enjoy the family.
We have a large family, and while I don't mind doing most of the work, I am starting to resent the fact that my husband and I end up doing the lion's share. When I ask one of my grown children to help, the reply I get is, "We are socializing and relaxing," and they don't really respond to my requests. They also leave without picking up their children's toys. When I mention that I need help, the usual reply I get is that I am being "uptight" or unpleasant.
This is causing a lot of arguments between my husband (their stepfather) and me. I don't want family times to be stressful, but the last few visits have been exhausting because I am taking care of everyone. I never had grandparents, so I'm confused about the proper approach. -- CONFUSED IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR CONFUSED: Well, I had grandparents, so permit me to enlighten you. If my parents or I had ever spoken as disrespectfully to them as your children have to you, there would have been holy heck to pay. It is not being "uptight" or "unpleasant" for a host to ask a guest for help if there is more going on than he or she can handle -- and certainly not if the guests are family members. In fact, they should be asking YOU if you need a hand.
However, there is blame here to go around. Who raised these self-centered ingrates? If the answer is you, then you must ask yourself why you tolerated this when they were young. It's still not too late to put your foot down -- and I hope you'll do so the next time you ask someone to assist you and the person shines you on.
DEAR ABBY: My adult stepsister who lives in another state is being married next summer. We are not close, and I have spent about one day a year with her over the past nine years. We haven't seen each other in more than two years.
My cousin's daughter is being married on the same day. I am very close to this cousin. I have been a part of her daughter's life since she was born and have always been "Auntie" to her. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place regarding which wedding to attend. No matter which I decide to do, someone will be upset with me. Have you any advice? -- BETWEEN A ROCK, ETC.
DEAR BETWEEN: There is a reason why you and your stepsister are not close, and attending her wedding will probably not make you any closer once it's over. Go where your heart tells you, and please do not think you owe anyone an apology. It is physically impossible to be in two places at once.
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Veterans Day, the day set aside to honor those Americans who have served our country through military service. Our veterans deserve our respect and our gratitude for their dedication and sacrifice.
To mark this special day -- and also the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's holidays, which are fast approaching -- please consider expressing your gratitude to the young men and women now serving in the military by sending a personally written message of support via OperationDearAbby.net. Visit the site and send as many messages -- to all branches of the service -- as you wish. Messages of support from home are the best morale booster there is, so let's let them know we care.
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