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Family's Dislike of Father Lives on in Dislike of Son
DEAR ABBY: My youngest son, "Quinn," is 13 and has one of the most tender hearts I've ever seen. He can't stand to see anyone be hurt or left out. My husband died when Quinn was 18 months old. Quinn will make someone a wonderful husband one day. I know, because he displays these traits already.
I recently had major surgery. Quinn was the one who took care of me when I got out of the hospital. It wasn't because I asked him to, but because he wanted to. He didn't miss a day of school, but the minute he got home he was right there to see what I needed.
We spend a lot of time with our church family, and they love him, as do all his friends in the youth group. They invite him to hang out with them and think he's a great kid.
My problem is that my mother and siblings dislike my son. They think he's lazy because he's overweight, and they say he has no personality. They never liked his father and accused him of being "controlling." They think Quinn is the same way. It started when he was a baby. They complained he was "too clingy" and a "crybaby." How can a grandmother shower so much love on all her grandchildren except one?
My son is neither stupid nor insensitive. He's aware of how the family feels. That's why I have decided to keep him away from family events. I no longer attend, either. The last time I was at my parents' house I got so upset that when Mother left the room, I removed Quinn's pictures from the collage on the fridge and took them home. They don't love him -- why should he be there? As I suspected, they haven't even noticed, or they just don't care.
I'm considering moving to get away from these people before they do any more damage. Talking to them is futile. Am I being petty? What would you do? Your advice would be appreciated. -- QUINN'S MOM IN OREGON
DEAR MOM: Are you being petty? Removing the photographs was petty. Should you move? That would be overreacting to an unpleasant situation -- particularly in light of the fact that you and your son have an excellent support system in your "church family." And, in a sense, because Quinn's father is deceased and you are all he has, he needs that outside support. The young man appears to have shouldered a great deal of responsibility for someone so young.
Moving away is not the answer. Keeping some distance from your family would be a better idea. Nutritional counseling for Quinn, along with professional counseling for you to help you deal with your anger, would also be helpful. I suspect there are issues in your relationship with your mother and siblings that need to be examined. Deal with those and your problems will be resolved.
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married 30 years. Over the last couple of years, she has been going to weddings, etc. by herself, vs. our going as a couple as before. Her excuse is that they are "her" friends, and only she was invited.
I think this is unusual, and it seems like they are occasions when couples should attend. Am I wrong in feeling this way? -- LEFT OUT IN CINCINNATI
DEAR LEFT OUT: Good manners require that when a married person is invited to a wedding, the spouse be included. The same applies to couples parties. If the "etc." you referred to in your letter is a get-together for women only, that may be the reason you were excluded. However, because there could be other reasons why this is happening, this is a subject about which you and your wife are overdue for a heart-to-heart chat.
Riding Herd on Grandchildren Leaves Grandma Stressed Out
DEAR ABBY: I am a grandmother of five. I love my children and their children. However, when they visit, the parents of my grandchildren rarely supervise them. My house and yard are somewhat "childproof," but the kids still get into a lot of things they shouldn't. As I am the only one who seems to witness this, I feel like I am forced to be the baby sitter rather than being able to enjoy the family.
We have a large family, and while I don't mind doing most of the work, I am starting to resent the fact that my husband and I end up doing the lion's share. When I ask one of my grown children to help, the reply I get is, "We are socializing and relaxing," and they don't really respond to my requests. They also leave without picking up their children's toys. When I mention that I need help, the usual reply I get is that I am being "uptight" or unpleasant.
This is causing a lot of arguments between my husband (their stepfather) and me. I don't want family times to be stressful, but the last few visits have been exhausting because I am taking care of everyone. I never had grandparents, so I'm confused about the proper approach. -- CONFUSED IN SANTA BARBARA
DEAR CONFUSED: Well, I had grandparents, so permit me to enlighten you. If my parents or I had ever spoken as disrespectfully to them as your children have to you, there would have been holy heck to pay. It is not being "uptight" or "unpleasant" for a host to ask a guest for help if there is more going on than he or she can handle -- and certainly not if the guests are family members. In fact, they should be asking YOU if you need a hand.
However, there is blame here to go around. Who raised these self-centered ingrates? If the answer is you, then you must ask yourself why you tolerated this when they were young. It's still not too late to put your foot down -- and I hope you'll do so the next time you ask someone to assist you and the person shines you on.
DEAR ABBY: My adult stepsister who lives in another state is being married next summer. We are not close, and I have spent about one day a year with her over the past nine years. We haven't seen each other in more than two years.
My cousin's daughter is being married on the same day. I am very close to this cousin. I have been a part of her daughter's life since she was born and have always been "Auntie" to her. I feel like I am between a rock and a hard place regarding which wedding to attend. No matter which I decide to do, someone will be upset with me. Have you any advice? -- BETWEEN A ROCK, ETC.
DEAR BETWEEN: There is a reason why you and your stepsister are not close, and attending her wedding will probably not make you any closer once it's over. Go where your heart tells you, and please do not think you owe anyone an apology. It is physically impossible to be in two places at once.
DEAR READERS: Tomorrow is Veterans Day, the day set aside to honor those Americans who have served our country through military service. Our veterans deserve our respect and our gratitude for their dedication and sacrifice.
To mark this special day -- and also the Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year's holidays, which are fast approaching -- please consider expressing your gratitude to the young men and women now serving in the military by sending a personally written message of support via OperationDearAbby.net. Visit the site and send as many messages -- to all branches of the service -- as you wish. Messages of support from home are the best morale booster there is, so let's let them know we care.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $12 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Man's Mania for Mothballs Could Put Household at Risk
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have reached an impasse about -- of all things -- mothballs. We were remodeling our house last spring, and tiny moths showed up in the bottom story. "Arnold" (my husband) went to the store and brought back mothballs for his closet, which is on the second floor. I told him they smelled horrid, but understood he was trying to protect his clothing. The moths never went to the upper level, and no one in our family had moths in his or her closet.
The moths are long gone, but the mothballs remain. Every time Arnold opens his closet, the smell makes me sick to my stomach. There are times when he forgets and leaves his closet door open; our bedroom reeks of mothballs and I wind up feeling dizzy.
When I ask Arnold why he still has them, he says he wants to "freshen" his clothes. I can't imagine how anyone can find that smell "fresh." I have requested that he replace them with cedar blocks or baking soda. He refuses to consider it.
I have begun to think it has become a power struggle, and it's probably not about the mothballs to him at all -- although to me it is. Marriage counseling is not an option. I've suggested it before when we've had problems, and he refuses to go.
Do you know anything about the safety of mothballs with children in the home (we have four, ranging in age from 12 months to 12 years). Maybe if he sees something in print, he will reconsider for the sake of the children. -- WORRIED IN COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR WORRIED: As a matter of fact, I do happen to know something about the subject because it was addressed in my column a year and a half ago. A woman in New Jersey was worried about her grandmother, who stored her winter clothes in a basement closet filled with mothballs, and the odor had saturated her house and everything in it.
A woman from California responded to that letter, sharing that her mother's home had also been filled with mothballs, and her clothes reeked of the odor, too. Her mother had complained about the same nausea and dizziness that you say you have. The mother's doctor chalked it up to "vertigo."
A couple of years later, the writer visited her mother and awoke experiencing the same symptoms. When she got home and mentioned it to her doctor, she was told she had been poisoned by the mothballs! And after the mother was eventually moved to a convalescent home, her "vertigo" disappeared within months.
There are warnings on the container about the toxicity of mothballs and the danger of too much exposure to the vapors. The main component of mothballs, I was informed, is naphthalene, an aromatic hydrocarbon, which can cause neurological problems, as well as hemolytic anemia, kidney and liver damage, and cataracts. This is a poison that is meant to kill insects, and humans and other mammals are not immune to its effects.
If your husband's clothes need "freshening," they should be laundered or sent to the cleaners. And if he still refuses to listen to reason and get rid of the mothballs, he could be guilty of child endangerment. This is one "power struggle" it's vital that you win.
CONFIDENTIAL TO "WANTS TO SLUG HIM" IN LOUISVILLE: I would strongly discourage your use of corporal punishment on your son. The late Red Buttons said it best: "Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)