For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Restaurant Hostess and Manager Give Customer Double Trouble
DEAR ABBY: Something happened to me in one of the most popular restaurants here in town. I have gone there many times with family and friends. Recently a friend took me there for a birthday dinner. I know the manager, so I stopped to talk to him when we entered. As we were talking, the hostess came to take my friend to be seated, and I asked, "Could we have a booth, please?"
This was not an unusual request. I have asked before because it's a more intimate way to have girl-talk. When I went to look for my friend, she was being seated at a tiny table for two, and I remarked, "Are there no booths available?" The hostess replied, "The tables don't move in the booths." I told her I knew what the booths were like. She then demonstrated how you could pull the chairs up to the little table.
All of a sudden it dawned on me what the hostess was getting at. I said, "Are you insinuating that I won't fit in your booths?" and she pointed to my stomach! I was mortified! I am heavy, but not obese.
I was humiliated and the restaurant was crowded, so we sat down and ordered. It was a quick meal; I was too upset to eat. When I got home and settled down, I called and asked for the manager. As I started to tell him what happened, he said, "Oh yeah, she told me," and added, "We do the best we can." He just sloughed me off! Needless to say, I haven't been back. What do you think of this? -- KATHY IN LA HABRA, CALIF.
DEAR KATHY: The restaurant business is part of the "hospitality" industry. What you encountered was a poorly trained employee who lacked basic intelligence and tact. In the food business this can be a recipe for disaster. In your case, the hostess forgot a basic tenet of the hospitality industry: "The customer is always right." And I don't blame you for not going back. Under the circumstances, I wouldn't either.
DEAR ABBY: I married the man of my dreams. We have a wonderful life together, and we just had a beautiful baby girl. My husband was married before and has two children from his first marriage. They are great to me -- in fact, they are great kids.
The problem is, I don't love them. I feel so guilty about it. I treat them really well and I'd do anything for them. But when it is "our" weekend, I dread going home. I am not like that with our daughter. I love her with all my heart.
Why do I feel this way, and how can I change this? I need some advice desperately. -- ASHAMED IN THE SOUTH
DEAR ASHAMED: We don't love all people the same way, but that doesn't mean we don't have love for them. It is possible that on some level you resent your husband's children because they represent the intimacy he had with his first wife. But let me assure you that unless you are willing to work on those feelings, you will cause conflict and hurt in your household.
My advice is to discuss this with a therapist and work it through. And in the meantime, work extra hard at being a loving and caring friend to those kids. Because when all is said and done, you're not their mother, and that's all you ever can be.
Daughter Doesn't Make Cut for Five Generation Photo
DEAR ABBY: Before my grandmother and mother passed on, a "five-generation" picture was taken of Nana, Mom, me, my younger daughter and her little boy. This caused some distress for my older daughter, who feels she should have been included. She was, at the time, without children -- and the decision was made by the photographer.
I'm not sure if this was right or not. Could you please tell me who should be in a five-generation photograph? -- CLAIRE IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR CLAIRE: All members of each generation should have been in the picture. In your case, that would have been your grandmother, you, both your daughters and your grandchild. To have excluded one of your daughters because she was childless was insensitive -- and obviously hurtful. She should have been included as a member of the fourth generation.
DEAR ABBY: On May 11, 2004, cancer took from me the best thing that ever happened to me. My wife and I had been blissfully married for 24 years. I miss her more than I have words to say. However, I have moved on, and I am making a new life for myself. Abby, I am doing OK.
My problem is that some of my relatives, friends and co-workers don't seem to think so. I can't get through a day without one of them saying, "You need a girlfriend," or asking me when I'll remarry. I am not the moping type and exhibit an upbeat persona. (My wife would have wanted it that way.)
How can I politely get across to them that I am comfortable the way things are? I know they mean well, but it's really none of their business. I may find someone new, but it will happen when it happens. -- GETTING BY IN TEXAS
DEAR GETTING BY: To those who say, "You need a girlfriend," say, "When I feel that way, I'm sure I'll find one." And to people who ask when you'll marry again, smile and tell them you'll do so as soon as you meet the right woman. Then change the subject.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married for the second -- and last -- time. I consider myself lucky to have found someone that I look forward to seeing and being with each and every day.
For my first wedding, my mother made me a most beautiful wedding gown that I truly treasure. Would it be tacky to update the same dress for my upcoming wedding? I don't think of it in terms of my ex-husband. I think of it only as something very special from my mom. It has been 20 years, so I would not even consider asking her to make me another. -- AWAITING YOUR OPINION IN KANSAS
DEAR AWAITING: Congratulations on your wedding. I wish you and your intended a lifetime of happiness together. If the idea of your wearing the same wedding gown doesn't bother him, I see no reason why you shouldn't do it. It has been so long since your first wedding that no one is likely to realize it. It's your day, so do as you please.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question I cannot find the answer to. I have asked many people, including the chief of staff of the U.S. Army and Madeleine Albright. Nobody seems to know the answer.
I am 90 years old, and if I don't get an answer soon, it will be too late. My question is: Can nose hair get dandruff? -- JOHN W. JOHNSON, CAPT., U.S. ARMY (RET.)
DEAR CAPT. JOHNSON: Not unless the nose has been "sniffing" dandruff.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Stepmother's Method of Giving Gifts Gets Her Message Across
DEAR ABBY: "Had It in Arlington, Wash." (8/29) was upset because her teenaged stepchildren didn't give her husband, their father, gifts even though he was generous with them.
She could change that by inviting them to go shopping with her when she picks out a gift for him the next time they visit. If it's not a gift-giving occasion, that's OK. A "just because" gift is the best kind.
If their relationship is close enough, she might feel comfortable suggesting they get something for him, too -- even if she has to pay the first few times. My guess is that, unless the kids are selfish, insensitive brats, they'll get the message and want to use their own money. The gifts need not be extravagant, just thoughtful.
I get some of my most interesting things in flea markets, consignment shops and closeout stores. -- IT WORKED FOR ME, DUNWOODY, GA.
DEAR I.W.F.M.: You're a smart cookie, who I am sure not only endeared yourself to your husband for what you did, but also his children. And you're not the only smart lady who responded to that letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You were right on to say that the husband shouldn't punish his children for what amounts to their mother's poor teaching or example.
I was divorced when my son was very small, and I always helped him get his father at least a small gift for Christmas and Father's Day. His father, on the other hand, never once responded in kind. He seemed to think it was the responsibility of some other man in my life to get me gifts -- first my father (since I moved back home for a short time), then my new husband. Have I pointed this out to my son? Heck, no. Has he noticed? You bet he has!
We teach our kids by example. What the stepmom could do is talk to the kids and say, "Your dad's been generous to you. Would you like some help in getting him a present for his birthday, to say thanks?" -- KAREN IN SALEM, ORE.
DEAR ABBY: I could not believe your response to "Had it in Arlington, Wash." You said, "Children behave as they have been taught, usually by their mothers." How incredibly insulting to mothers everywhere. Let me tell you that when I went through a divorce, it was their father who "taught" them such despicable behavior!
My ex-husband was so bitter, he did not want my children to give me anything -- on birthdays, Mother's Day or Christmas. In fact, I was the one who took them to the store and gave them money to buy gifts for their father on each and every occasion, even though it was not reciprocated.
At one point, my son asked me as I drove them to the store to get a gift for their father's birthday, "Why do you care, Mom? He doesn't care about you!" Let me add that the Christmas that I gave them enough money to buy everyone (including me) gifts, their father would let them spend only $10 on a gift certificate for me, regardless of what they knew I wanted and they had wanted to buy for me! Shame on you, Dear Abby, for making such a hurtful comment. -- UPSET IN BRIGHTON, COLO.
DEAR UPSET: I offer my apology if what I said you took personally. It was simply an observation and not intended to be hurtful to anyone.
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