Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My sister, "Cindy," and some of her friends have been playing the "choking game" where you deprive yourself of oxygen by tying something around your neck in order to get high. They say it's safe because they do it with someone else there to make sure they're OK. However, last week there was an article in the paper about a boy who died doing it.
Cindy asks me to monitor her when she does it in our room. I don't want to help her, but she says she's "hooked" on the high she gets. I'm afraid if I refuse, she'll do it anyway. I love my sister very much and would never forgive myself if something happened to her.
Cindy and I have an understanding. We don't tell our parents on each other, and she hasn't told on me when she's known things that would get me in trouble. However, I think I should make an exception when her life may be in danger. Do you agree? -- WORRIED SISTER, RANCHO CORDOVA, CALIF.
DEAR WORRIED SISTER: The fact that Cindy says she's hooked on the high should tell you that if she gets a strong enough craving and you're not around, she's likely to play the game alone. What she's doing could be considered a form of Russian roulette. Because we don't allow people we love to take foolish chances with their lives, you should inform your parents immediately.
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 years old. I have seen you help many people through your column, and I'm hoping you can help me.
I have been with my fiance, "Jeremy," for three years, and I used to be crazy about him. Now that our wedding day is approaching, I'm beginning to have second thoughts about our entire relationship. He constantly has to know where I am and what I'm doing. He also has a temper. If I don't make him first priority all the time, he gets mad and we end up in a huge fight.
I am about ready to call it quits, but I'm afraid because of the emotional state he is in. The last time I tried to end the relationship, Jeremy tried to kill himself. I need to know if I should say "I do" even though he and I aren't exactly getting along right now. -- TRAPPED IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR TRAPPED: To marry someone because you are "afraid to call it quits" is the wrong reason to marry anyone. You have described a young man who is immature and self-destructive. It's time to call it quits, but before you do, contact Jeremy's family -– preferably his parents -– and warn them that their son may need psychiatric help once you tell him the wedding is off. (It's the truth.) Then tell him in the presence of your family and, because he is unstable, put some distance between the two of you after you deliver the bad news.
DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s and have a close bond with a younger female cousin of mine. We are good friends and enjoy being together.
Sometimes when we go to a restaurant or a movie together, people give me funny looks. I guess they assume I am an adult who is taking advantage of a young girl. What can I do to get people to realize she's just a younger cousin? -- OLDER COUSIN IN THE WEST
DEAR OLDER COUSIN: Ignore them. Evil is in the eye of the beholder. Don't make something your problem when it's really theirs.
Policeman Gets All Fired Up Over Lax Gun Safety Habits
DEAR ABBY: As a policeman, I was very disappointed to read (8/29) about the fellow officer who leaves his duty weapon out on the kitchen table. Even if there were no children in the house, it's an extremely dangerous thing to do.
We are supposed to take gun safety seriously. I find it disturbing when fellow officers do not. We are taught from day one to never, ever lose control of our sidearm. And "retention" holsters, designed to make it difficult to remove the sidearm, can and do fail.
I would strongly suggest that "Upset in Washington" talk one more time to her husband. He could lose his job over this. Or she could buy a small gun safe, and next time she finds the gun on the table, lock it up for him. Notice, I didn't say anything about giving him the combination.
I am very pro-gun and pro-self-defense. But that comes with the great responsibility of keeping weapons out of the hands of those who would misuse them, either by accident or on purpose. -- DISMAYED IN COLORADO
DEAR DISMAYED: Although I heard from more than a few readers who thought my advice to report the officer to his police chief was harsh, I think you are being too soft. Read on for a sample of the horror stories that letter generated:
DEAR ABBY: I am a law enforcement officer in Texas. A fellow officer lost his teenage daughter to suicide. Even though his gun had been hidden in a high cupboard, away from view, she found it and, unfortunately, succeeded in terminating her young life.
"Upset in Washington" should check to see if the police department in her city has regulations about this. Maybe she should call and speak to his supervisor and ask about the availability of gun locks for the weapon issued to her husband. This needs to be done ASAP. -- OFFICER IN TEXAS
DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on. That wife should definitely report her husband to his chief. In our city a year ago, a police officer's son got ahold of his loaded gun and shot and killed his 5-year-old sister. Officers in our area are now required to lock up their guns at all times when off duty. Kids just don't realize the danger, so parents have to. -- SHARON IN VANCOUVER, WASH.
DEAR ABBY: Years ago, I worked for a federal law enforcement agency in New York. One of the agents came home from a late-night investigation and, not wanting to wake his wife and 3-year-old son, decided to sleep on the couch. Before retiring, he removed his weapon and placed it under the couch.
Apparently his son woke up early and found the gun. He couldn't pull the trigger with one finger, so he pointed the gun toward himself and, with both thumbs on the trigger, he fired. The result was, of course, fatal.
The agent and his wife had tried for years to have a child and were thrilled to tears when she became pregnant. How sad their happiness was so short-lived. Please have "Upset" show this letter to her irresponsible husband. Maybe he'll get the message. -- UPSET WHEN I THINK ABOUT IT IN LEBO, KAN.
DEAR ABBY: I lost my son three years ago under these very circumstances. My sister, a police officer, failed to secure her weapon. "Upset" should personally hand-deliver her husband's gun to the police chief the next time it is lying around. God forbid, one of their children, or their children's friends, gets ahold of it and causes yet another senseless tragedy. -- MISSING OUR SON IN MILWAUKEE
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Couple Are Tired of Playing the Hosts, Never the Guests
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a very nice house with a dream back yard for entertaining. Over the years, some longtime friends have attended our pool party get-togethers, as well as holiday cocktail parties. They all have nice entertainment features in their homes, minus the pool.
It seems that during the last year or two, every single get-together has been at our house. We never get invited to attend any functions at any of their houses. In fact, some of our "best friends" have been no-shows at our latest dinner parties or canceled at the last minute. Any advice on trying to "get invited" to someone else's house for a change? -- TIRED OF PARTYING AT MY HOUSE
DEAR TIRED: Not everyone enjoys entertaining, and for some it can be a nerve-wracking experience, so they avoid it. But people who accept invitations are socially obligated to reciprocate in some way –- even if it's not entertaining in their homes. I don't know the "best friends" you are referring to, but it occurs to me that perhaps their financial situation may have changed in the last few years, and that may have curtailed their entertaining.
However, not showing up after accepting an invitation is very rude, and canceling at the last minute for any reason other than illness is sending you a message. It's time for a frank talk with these "friends" to see why things may have changed.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful woman, "Nicole," for the last three months. There's only one problem. When we spend time "in" as opposed to out and about, we spend the majority of it at her place –- which is usually messy.
Nicole says she goes through extra sheets when I'm there, and she feels it is my responsibility to help her clean her house and do her laundry.
I would never consider asking her to help clean my place. Is this just a matter of different perspectives, or am I being taken advantage of? -- DETERGENT DAN IN DESPAIR
DEAR DETERGENT DAN: Because you are the reason Nicole has extra loads of laundry, be "gallant" and toss the sheets in the washing machine or transfer them to the dryer if she asks you to. But after only three months, I think it's a bit presumptuous for her to expect you to be her houseman. If you were living together, it would be different. But you're not.
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in four months. It's the moment I have dreamed of for the last three years. However, the priest who is supposed to conduct our service has made rude remarks -- such as our marriage "won't last."
Abby, I am very uncomfortable about being married by a person who doesn't believe in our marriage. But if we are married by another officiate, then it won't be accepted by his family. What should I do? -- IN LOVE IN KANSAS
DEAR IN LOVE: A priest is supposed to counsel, not judge. Talk this over with your fiance, and then be married by whomever you wish. It shouldn't matter much because if this is what his family priest is saying, then I'd guess his parents already don't accept your union. And be prepared for some rough rowing on the sea of matrimony, because something tells me you two may have to fight for your happiness. I wish it were otherwise.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)