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Teen Who Hates Conflict Avoids Friend After Fight
DEAR ABBY: I'm a college sophomore living in a dorm. My best friend lives a few doors down. We have always had a wonderful, caring friendship and many things in common. Lately, however, she has not been spending much time with me. Normally this would not concern me because we are both very busy right now -- but we recently had an argument in which I discovered her inability to handle confrontation.
When I brought up my concern, it led to a fight. She burst into tears and said she can't handle it when I "yell" at her. Abby, I hadn't raised my voice. Later, more calmly, she told me she cannot handle confrontation and will never, under any circumstances, take the first step. This worries me, not only for our friendship, but for her own emotional health.
When she doesn't want to spend time with me, I wonder whether she's angry with me and won't say so. This could seriously affect her in her future friendships and romances. I tried to talk to her about addressing her fear of confrontation, perhaps through some sort of therapy. She doesn't think she has a problem. I'd like to help her. Am I right that this could cause her problems? -- WORRIED FRIEND IN OAKLAND
DEAR WORRIED: Yes, it could. However, until your friend is willing to face the fact that she has a problem and is ready to deal with it, nothing you can say will convince her.
In the household in which your friend was raised, she may have been punished for expressing overt anger. People raised to "stuff" their feelings that way sometimes find other ways of expressing it so they won't have to admit their true feelings. The name for this "other way" is passive aggression.
Right now, your friend may be busy, or she may be punishing you for putting her in a corner by avoiding you. But if the way she deals with unpleasantness is by avoiding it, you'll never get a straight answer from her -- so my advice is to enlarge your circle of friends.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "James," and I have been married only three years. We are both in our 20s. Everything is really great between us -- except our sex life. As far as he is concerned that's fine, too, but I am not satisfied. It may seem odd to hear the female wants to have sex more frequently than a young and healthy male, but that's the case in our relationship.
Abby, I work with the public and I get frequent remarks about what a beautiful woman I am. This makes it hard for me to believe that I don't attract him at all. I have expressed many times that I wish we were more intimate. I have even expressed it to him in more than one letter, hoping to reach him.
I am at a total loss as to how to make him realize how important this is to me. Is there something wrong with my body? I just don't know who to turn to for advice on this subject. Please help me. -- SHORT ON INTIMACY IN OHIO
DEAR SHORT ON INTIMACY: There is nothing wrong with your body. You have married a man who appears either to have a very low sex drive or be asexual. The place to find the answers you need would be in the office of a licensed marriage and family therapist. What's ailing your marriage has nothing to do with you and everything to do with your husband.
Breakup Letter to Soldier Could Jeopardize Comrades in Arms
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the feedback regarding my answer to "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." after I urged her to wait until her serviceman fiance returned from Iraq before breaking their engagement. Today I will share more of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a psychologist and served in Iraq running a combat stress-control clinic. I couldn't agree more with the answer you gave that young woman, and have wished for a forum in which to provide that exact advice.
Many of the soldiers we saw had exactly this problem -- Dear John letters, e-mails or phone conversations. I can't tell you how distracting the information was to them. In addition to placing their own lives in jeopardy, their inattentiveness jeopardized the lives of soldiers around them.
Ladies (and gentlemen), listen up! Do not communicate this type of information until the soldier returns. It'll be easier to deal with complaints of deceit than with the guilt of possibly having caused physical harm to someone else. In this particular case, ignorance is bliss. -- TOM ANDERSON, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, and every soldier around who was discussing your column, disagreed with your reply. They all said they would rather be given the bad news while deployed. They said they have lots of people around to support them. This will give the soldier time to heal and close a chapter of his life. If she's worried about his reaction, it might be better to send a letter to someone in his chain of command, perhaps with a sealed letter to him to ensure he gets any help he might need. She also needs to do the right thing and return any money or gifts he's given her. -- SOLDIER'S WIFE, PARKERSBURG, W.VA.
DEAR ABBY: As a retired Air Force director of safety, I can attest that the probability of an accident or possible suicide among young people increases markedly following a traumatic emotional situation such as divorce, breakup (receipt of a Dear John letter), court-martial, etc. If "Feeling Guilty" values her friend's life at all, she should definitely wait until he has returned. Then she would probably be doing him a favor by breaking up, because she's not in love, she's in "lust." -- ALFRED J. D'AMARIO, LT. COL., USAF (RET.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was a company commander in Vietnam, Dear John letters were my biggest personnel problem. Soldiers in harm's way cling desperately to girlfriends and wives. I had one soldier commit suicide over a Dear John letter. We learned to put soldiers under a suicide watch for a few days after such a letter. Family members and friends who write to "tattle" do the soldier no favor. Let the soldier get home with support from family and friends before dropping the news. Letters and e-mails should be overwhelmingly positive. Our military people deserve that much. -- RON K., ROGERSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: I cried when I read your response to "Feeling Guilty." I was a Marine serving in Chu Lai, South Vietnam, in 1965, when a close friend got a "Dear John" from his wife. He died that same night as a result of an "accident" involving a hand grenade. I pray she has the heart to wait until her fiance returns to safe soil. -- ALWAYS A MARINE IN MY HEART, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.
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Readers Divide on Sending 'Dear John' Letter to Soldier
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." (9/6) from a woman wanting to call off her engagement to a soldier stationed in Iraq. You stated, "Under no circumstances should you ..." From my experience, I disagree.
I am an Operation Iraqi Freedom widow. I have maintained a steady friendship with my husband's fellow soldiers and their mates. Military personnel stationed in a war zone develop bonds stronger than blood ties. They eat, bathe, sleep, live and die together. I say, call him and tell him the truth. His comrades will know how to comfort him. When his tour is up, he will no longer have that 24/7 support.
Soldiers face enough problems readjusting to civilian life without dealing with a broken heart. If she waits and he dies, it will scar her for life. What if he has her listed as his beneficiary on his life insurance policy? If she doesn't want him anymore, should she still receive $500,000? I have seen this happen with my own eyes. -- MILITARY WIDOW, VALDOSTA, GA.
DEAR MILITARY WIDOW: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Although I did receive mail from some readers who agree that the young man should be told, I received more thanking me for having urged the writer not to send a Dear John letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of almost two years has recently been deployed. Before he left, we had a discussion about what to do if I met someone else. He brought the topic up, and asked that I tell him as soon as possible if I wanted to break up. He valued honesty and respect more than having his feelings spared and my going behind his back. It's a discussion every couple facing deployment should have.
If she tells him now, he has his chaplain to go to and the other men around who are experiencing -- or have experienced -- infidelity. I think her fiance would be better served by her respect, not her guilt. -- GIRLFRIEND IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: When my son got married, just before his first deployment, my sister-in-law said to me, "She better not write him a Dear John letter while he's over there!" I just laughed and said they'd known each other for four years, had just gotten married, and she wasn't even giving them a chance.
My son got a Dear John e-mail from his wife (his first and only love), spoke to her on the phone as soon as he could get through, and about an hour later he was gone -- a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart.
I know our daughter-in-law didn't mean for this to happen. Her parents advised her to go ahead and tell him. If they had only had the chance to read your column, perhaps they would have advised her differently, and I would still have my son.
I hope your column will save some other Marine's life. He showed no signs of depression before this and did not use drugs or alcohol. We miss our son terribly, and I want you to know that when I read your reply to that young woman, it felt really good to see you stress, "Under no circumstances ..." Thank you from the bottom of one Gold Star mother's heart. -- GOLD STAR MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feeling Guilty," do you think you would have given the same lecture had it been a man asking about breaking up with a woman in the military in Iraq? -- CHERYL IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR CHERYL: Absolutely! Readers, more on this tomorrow.
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