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Breakup Letter to Soldier Could Jeopardize Comrades in Arms
DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed some of the feedback regarding my answer to "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." after I urged her to wait until her serviceman fiance returned from Iraq before breaking their engagement. Today I will share more of them. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am a psychologist and served in Iraq running a combat stress-control clinic. I couldn't agree more with the answer you gave that young woman, and have wished for a forum in which to provide that exact advice.
Many of the soldiers we saw had exactly this problem -- Dear John letters, e-mails or phone conversations. I can't tell you how distracting the information was to them. In addition to placing their own lives in jeopardy, their inattentiveness jeopardized the lives of soldiers around them.
Ladies (and gentlemen), listen up! Do not communicate this type of information until the soldier returns. It'll be easier to deal with complaints of deceit than with the guilt of possibly having caused physical harm to someone else. In this particular case, ignorance is bliss. -- TOM ANDERSON, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, and every soldier around who was discussing your column, disagreed with your reply. They all said they would rather be given the bad news while deployed. They said they have lots of people around to support them. This will give the soldier time to heal and close a chapter of his life. If she's worried about his reaction, it might be better to send a letter to someone in his chain of command, perhaps with a sealed letter to him to ensure he gets any help he might need. She also needs to do the right thing and return any money or gifts he's given her. -- SOLDIER'S WIFE, PARKERSBURG, W.VA.
DEAR ABBY: As a retired Air Force director of safety, I can attest that the probability of an accident or possible suicide among young people increases markedly following a traumatic emotional situation such as divorce, breakup (receipt of a Dear John letter), court-martial, etc. If "Feeling Guilty" values her friend's life at all, she should definitely wait until he has returned. Then she would probably be doing him a favor by breaking up, because she's not in love, she's in "lust." -- ALFRED J. D'AMARIO, LT. COL., USAF (RET.)
DEAR ABBY: When I was a company commander in Vietnam, Dear John letters were my biggest personnel problem. Soldiers in harm's way cling desperately to girlfriends and wives. I had one soldier commit suicide over a Dear John letter. We learned to put soldiers under a suicide watch for a few days after such a letter. Family members and friends who write to "tattle" do the soldier no favor. Let the soldier get home with support from family and friends before dropping the news. Letters and e-mails should be overwhelmingly positive. Our military people deserve that much. -- RON K., ROGERSVILLE, TENN.
DEAR ABBY: I cried when I read your response to "Feeling Guilty." I was a Marine serving in Chu Lai, South Vietnam, in 1965, when a close friend got a "Dear John" from his wife. He died that same night as a result of an "accident" involving a hand grenade. I pray she has the heart to wait until her fiance returns to safe soil. -- ALWAYS A MARINE IN MY HEART, ENGLEWOOD, FLA.
Readers Divide on Sending 'Dear John' Letter to Soldier
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." (9/6) from a woman wanting to call off her engagement to a soldier stationed in Iraq. You stated, "Under no circumstances should you ..." From my experience, I disagree.
I am an Operation Iraqi Freedom widow. I have maintained a steady friendship with my husband's fellow soldiers and their mates. Military personnel stationed in a war zone develop bonds stronger than blood ties. They eat, bathe, sleep, live and die together. I say, call him and tell him the truth. His comrades will know how to comfort him. When his tour is up, he will no longer have that 24/7 support.
Soldiers face enough problems readjusting to civilian life without dealing with a broken heart. If she waits and he dies, it will scar her for life. What if he has her listed as his beneficiary on his life insurance policy? If she doesn't want him anymore, should she still receive $500,000? I have seen this happen with my own eyes. -- MILITARY WIDOW, VALDOSTA, GA.
DEAR MILITARY WIDOW: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Although I did receive mail from some readers who agree that the young man should be told, I received more thanking me for having urged the writer not to send a Dear John letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of almost two years has recently been deployed. Before he left, we had a discussion about what to do if I met someone else. He brought the topic up, and asked that I tell him as soon as possible if I wanted to break up. He valued honesty and respect more than having his feelings spared and my going behind his back. It's a discussion every couple facing deployment should have.
If she tells him now, he has his chaplain to go to and the other men around who are experiencing -- or have experienced -- infidelity. I think her fiance would be better served by her respect, not her guilt. -- GIRLFRIEND IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: When my son got married, just before his first deployment, my sister-in-law said to me, "She better not write him a Dear John letter while he's over there!" I just laughed and said they'd known each other for four years, had just gotten married, and she wasn't even giving them a chance.
My son got a Dear John e-mail from his wife (his first and only love), spoke to her on the phone as soon as he could get through, and about an hour later he was gone -- a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart.
I know our daughter-in-law didn't mean for this to happen. Her parents advised her to go ahead and tell him. If they had only had the chance to read your column, perhaps they would have advised her differently, and I would still have my son.
I hope your column will save some other Marine's life. He showed no signs of depression before this and did not use drugs or alcohol. We miss our son terribly, and I want you to know that when I read your reply to that young woman, it felt really good to see you stress, "Under no circumstances ..." Thank you from the bottom of one Gold Star mother's heart. -- GOLD STAR MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feeling Guilty," do you think you would have given the same lecture had it been a man asking about breaking up with a woman in the military in Iraq? -- CHERYL IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR CHERYL: Absolutely! Readers, more on this tomorrow.
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Grandpa Who Won't Respect Boundaries Needs Fencing In
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.
The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."
My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"
What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO
DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.
There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.
Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a general contractor and recently did some work for a couple I'll call Bob and Jane, who have grown fond of him, as well as we have them.
Today when my husband went to tie up some loose ends at their home, he found out that Bob's father is dying of cancer and they are just waiting for the call to go to the hospital when he passes.
We want to do something nice for Bob and Jane to let them know we are thinking about them, but is it "tacky" to send flowers with a note saying they are in our thoughts, or can you offer us any other suggestions? Thanks in advance. -- MINDY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MINDY: There is nothing "tacky" about sending flowers and a note to Bob and Jane, offering moral support. After Bob's father passes away, making a donation to the American Cancer Society in his memory would be a thoughtful gesture. The money can be put to use for research to fight the disease, and I'm sure your generosity will be appreciated.
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