For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Readers Divide on Sending 'Dear John' Letter to Soldier
DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Feeling Guilty, Memphis, Tenn." (9/6) from a woman wanting to call off her engagement to a soldier stationed in Iraq. You stated, "Under no circumstances should you ..." From my experience, I disagree.
I am an Operation Iraqi Freedom widow. I have maintained a steady friendship with my husband's fellow soldiers and their mates. Military personnel stationed in a war zone develop bonds stronger than blood ties. They eat, bathe, sleep, live and die together. I say, call him and tell him the truth. His comrades will know how to comfort him. When his tour is up, he will no longer have that 24/7 support.
Soldiers face enough problems readjusting to civilian life without dealing with a broken heart. If she waits and he dies, it will scar her for life. What if he has her listed as his beneficiary on his life insurance policy? If she doesn't want him anymore, should she still receive $500,000? I have seen this happen with my own eyes. -- MILITARY WIDOW, VALDOSTA, GA.
DEAR MILITARY WIDOW: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Although I did receive mail from some readers who agree that the young man should be told, I received more thanking me for having urged the writer not to send a Dear John letter. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend of almost two years has recently been deployed. Before he left, we had a discussion about what to do if I met someone else. He brought the topic up, and asked that I tell him as soon as possible if I wanted to break up. He valued honesty and respect more than having his feelings spared and my going behind his back. It's a discussion every couple facing deployment should have.
If she tells him now, he has his chaplain to go to and the other men around who are experiencing -- or have experienced -- infidelity. I think her fiance would be better served by her respect, not her guilt. -- GIRLFRIEND IN S.C.
DEAR ABBY: When my son got married, just before his first deployment, my sister-in-law said to me, "She better not write him a Dear John letter while he's over there!" I just laughed and said they'd known each other for four years, had just gotten married, and she wasn't even giving them a chance.
My son got a Dear John e-mail from his wife (his first and only love), spoke to her on the phone as soon as he could get through, and about an hour later he was gone -- a self-inflicted gunshot to the heart.
I know our daughter-in-law didn't mean for this to happen. Her parents advised her to go ahead and tell him. If they had only had the chance to read your column, perhaps they would have advised her differently, and I would still have my son.
I hope your column will save some other Marine's life. He showed no signs of depression before this and did not use drugs or alcohol. We miss our son terribly, and I want you to know that when I read your reply to that young woman, it felt really good to see you stress, "Under no circumstances ..." Thank you from the bottom of one Gold Star mother's heart. -- GOLD STAR MOM IN MARYLAND
DEAR ABBY: Regarding "Feeling Guilty," do you think you would have given the same lecture had it been a man asking about breaking up with a woman in the military in Iraq? -- CHERYL IN OKLAHOMA CITY
DEAR CHERYL: Absolutely! Readers, more on this tomorrow.
Grandpa Who Won't Respect Boundaries Needs Fencing In
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.
The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."
My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"
What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO
DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.
There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.
Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a general contractor and recently did some work for a couple I'll call Bob and Jane, who have grown fond of him, as well as we have them.
Today when my husband went to tie up some loose ends at their home, he found out that Bob's father is dying of cancer and they are just waiting for the call to go to the hospital when he passes.
We want to do something nice for Bob and Jane to let them know we are thinking about them, but is it "tacky" to send flowers with a note saying they are in our thoughts, or can you offer us any other suggestions? Thanks in advance. -- MINDY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MINDY: There is nothing "tacky" about sending flowers and a note to Bob and Jane, offering moral support. After Bob's father passes away, making a donation to the American Cancer Society in his memory would be a thoughtful gesture. The money can be put to use for research to fight the disease, and I'm sure your generosity will be appreciated.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in college, currently living with two of my best friends in an apartment. The other day, we went shopping at a thrift store. I showed one of my roommates, "Beth," a T-shirt with a logo of a band she liked. She took it and I went to look at something else.
Later, my other roommate and I were waiting for Beth to finish shopping. She came up to where we were sitting, and when I asked her if she was going to buy the T-shirt, she whispered that she was stealing it.
I was in shock. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. Beth walked out with the shirt in her bag.
I'm still really uncomfortable about it. What should I do the next time Beth does something like this? Would I have been out of line to tell an employee? How do I handle this so it doesn't hurt our friendship? Beth is somewhat immature, and I wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing my possessions. My other roommate hasn't expressed an opinion either way. -- SHOCKED IN CHICAGO
DEAR SHOCKED: Rather than telling an employee of the store, you should have told Beth that you didn't approve of what she was doing. And if you truly wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing your property, then it's time to face the fact that your roommate has serious problems that go beyond "immaturity," so keep your things under lock and key until your lease is up.
If I were you, I would no longer go shopping with this young woman, because the law of averages suggests that eventually she will get caught -- and you don't need the embarrassment of being an accessory to her crime. Your other roommate, who "hasn't expressed an opinion either way," should also be reminded that silence indicates approval, and this could be embarrassing for her, too.
DEAR ABBY: I was dating my girlfriend, "Gwen," for about a year and a half. After my birthday last April, she began acting weird. She became very negative and seemed unhappy about everything. After attending a family vacation in June, Gwen told me she wanted to "take a break." She said it was nothing I had done, but she needed time to figure things out because she didn't know what she wanted. That was her only explanation.
I have talked to Gwen only a handful of times during the last few months. I still love her, but I find myself wondering if she still loves me back.
She mentioned that she had been hanging out with a friend who recently came back from Iraq. She told me they have gone camping and done other things, like attend a concert. She also said they have kissed -- but nothing else. I know this isn't cheating, since we are on a break, but I can't help feeling mad and upset at the same time.
Should I try to contact Gwen so we can talk, or should I let her be and hope she comes back? -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: You have my sympathy. If you need closure, then contact her. If she were in love with you, she would have contacted you by now -- and she wouldn't be dating another man, which is what she is doing. It looks to me like she has moved on, and so should you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)