For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Grandpa Who Won't Respect Boundaries Needs Fencing In
DEAR ABBY: My wife and I are in our early 30s, with a 2-year-old daughter and a baby on the way. Both of our parents live eight to 10 hours away by car, so there is limited exposure to both sets of grandparents.
The problem is my father. Dad is very physically affectionate, even against the will of our daughter. For example, if she walks past him, he'll grab her and squeeze her and kiss her while she struggles to break free. It's all in the spirit of a playful hug, but it bothers my wife and me to hear and see our little daughter say "No!" and struggle to get away while he says things like, "No, I'm not going to let you get away. This is what a granddad does."
My father imposes the same behavior on me, coming up behind me and forcibly hugging me while I cook, wash dishes or some other task. When I say this makes me uncomfortable, he either acts offended or makes fun of me. His aggressive demand for physical affection is becoming an issue with us. But when we say things like, "Let her go" or "Respect her boundaries," my parents make light of the situation. In fact, my mother said on her last visit, "Your daughter HAS no boundaries!"
What can we do to protect ourselves and our kids from my father's aggression without hurting his feelings or starting a fight? -- ANXIOUS DAD IN OHIO
DEAR ANXIOUS DAD: Perhaps back in the day when your parents were raising you, children didn't have boundaries, but times and circumstances have changed. Today, parents teach children to assert themselves if someone's touch makes them uncomfortable so they will be less submissive if an adult tries to take advantage of them.
There may not be a way to protect yourselves and your children from your father without "hurting his feelings" or "starting an argument." People as insensitive to the feelings of others as he appears to be are usually hypersensitive when it comes to their own.
Because your father (and mother) refuse to accept YOUR boundaries when you ask him to let your daughter go, recognize that his time with your children should be severely curtailed until they're old enough to fight him off. And the next time he grabs you from behind, don't "suggest" that it makes you uncomfortable; INSIST that he let you go.
DEAR ABBY: My husband is a general contractor and recently did some work for a couple I'll call Bob and Jane, who have grown fond of him, as well as we have them.
Today when my husband went to tie up some loose ends at their home, he found out that Bob's father is dying of cancer and they are just waiting for the call to go to the hospital when he passes.
We want to do something nice for Bob and Jane to let them know we are thinking about them, but is it "tacky" to send flowers with a note saying they are in our thoughts, or can you offer us any other suggestions? Thanks in advance. -- MINDY IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR MINDY: There is nothing "tacky" about sending flowers and a note to Bob and Jane, offering moral support. After Bob's father passes away, making a donation to the American Cancer Society in his memory would be a thoughtful gesture. The money can be put to use for research to fight the disease, and I'm sure your generosity will be appreciated.
DEAR ABBY: I am a sophomore in college, currently living with two of my best friends in an apartment. The other day, we went shopping at a thrift store. I showed one of my roommates, "Beth," a T-shirt with a logo of a band she liked. She took it and I went to look at something else.
Later, my other roommate and I were waiting for Beth to finish shopping. She came up to where we were sitting, and when I asked her if she was going to buy the T-shirt, she whispered that she was stealing it.
I was in shock. I didn't say anything because I wasn't sure what was the right thing to do. Beth walked out with the shirt in her bag.
I'm still really uncomfortable about it. What should I do the next time Beth does something like this? Would I have been out of line to tell an employee? How do I handle this so it doesn't hurt our friendship? Beth is somewhat immature, and I wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing my possessions. My other roommate hasn't expressed an opinion either way. -- SHOCKED IN CHICAGO
DEAR SHOCKED: Rather than telling an employee of the store, you should have told Beth that you didn't approve of what she was doing. And if you truly wouldn't put it past her to retaliate by vandalizing your property, then it's time to face the fact that your roommate has serious problems that go beyond "immaturity," so keep your things under lock and key until your lease is up.
If I were you, I would no longer go shopping with this young woman, because the law of averages suggests that eventually she will get caught -- and you don't need the embarrassment of being an accessory to her crime. Your other roommate, who "hasn't expressed an opinion either way," should also be reminded that silence indicates approval, and this could be embarrassing for her, too.
DEAR ABBY: I was dating my girlfriend, "Gwen," for about a year and a half. After my birthday last April, she began acting weird. She became very negative and seemed unhappy about everything. After attending a family vacation in June, Gwen told me she wanted to "take a break." She said it was nothing I had done, but she needed time to figure things out because she didn't know what she wanted. That was her only explanation.
I have talked to Gwen only a handful of times during the last few months. I still love her, but I find myself wondering if she still loves me back.
She mentioned that she had been hanging out with a friend who recently came back from Iraq. She told me they have gone camping and done other things, like attend a concert. She also said they have kissed -- but nothing else. I know this isn't cheating, since we are on a break, but I can't help feeling mad and upset at the same time.
Should I try to contact Gwen so we can talk, or should I let her be and hope she comes back? -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN PITTSBURGH
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: You have my sympathy. If you need closure, then contact her. If she were in love with you, she would have contacted you by now -- and she wouldn't be dating another man, which is what she is doing. It looks to me like she has moved on, and so should you.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Is Worried That Man's Age Will Set Tongues Wagging
DEAR ABBY: I am a 51-year-old woman dating a 39-year-old man. He is smart, funny, sexy, considerate and nice to me. I don't see much of my family anymore because they were abusive, and it's better if I don't. However, I am worried about what they and my other friends will think.
Is the age difference too great to make a lasting relationship? What do I say to people who ask his age? Isn't it rude for them to ask? I was raised to believe that it's rude to ask people how old they are. What about other rude comments people may make? -- LONELY AND LOOKING FOR LOVE
DEAR LONELY: As you've passed the half-century mark, the time has come to start living your own life and stop worrying about what other people "might" think. You and this man are both adults. If you like each other and want to spend some time -- or even lifetime -- together, it's strictly up to you. Should anyone ask how old he is, tell them to ask him. It's really nobody's business.
DEAR ABBY: I have a laughing problem that pops up only at school. I go into uncontrollable laughing fits in the middle of class. It has gotten me in trouble various times over the past couple of weeks. I have asked my mother for help with this problem. She said to think about other things and to pinch myself so I'll be distracted from thinking about it -- but neither of her suggestions seems to work for me. Can you give me any suggestions? -- GIGGLES IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR GIGGLES: It would be interesting to know exactly what is setting you off. If it's eye contact with another student, then stop looking. If you have a learning problem of some sort that's keeping you from concentrating on the tasks at hand, talk with your teacher about getting help for it. But if it's sheer mirth that's causing your laughter, then I recommend you start thinking about the penalty that will follow if you continue disrupting the class, because I'm sure it won't be funny.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. It will be an out-of-state evening wedding. What is the correct attire for the mother? I can only guess at what the color of the bridesmaids' dresses will be -- which I have been told are shades of "moss."
I certainly don't wish to conflict with the bride's mother, whom I have never met, nor have I met the bride. -- LISA IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR LISA: Pick up the phone and call the bride's mother. Ask her what color she will be wearing, and if she would send you a small piece of the fabric so there will be no chance that you'll "clash." I'm sure she will not only be glad to help you out, she'll also be pleased that you reached out to her. Consider it the opening of lifelong dialogue between friends.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. More than one person has come into my house and commenced going through my personal papers, my desk drawers, my checkbook and other personal items. I have been told that this is acceptable because I am unmarried.
Is there some rule that states there are different rules for married and unmarried people? -- TAKEN ABACK IN POCATELLO, IDAHO
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The visitors you have described are rude and nosy, and no rule of etiquette validates their behavior. If you must entertain them in your home, then put your personal papers under lock and key.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)