For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Is Worried That Man's Age Will Set Tongues Wagging
DEAR ABBY: I am a 51-year-old woman dating a 39-year-old man. He is smart, funny, sexy, considerate and nice to me. I don't see much of my family anymore because they were abusive, and it's better if I don't. However, I am worried about what they and my other friends will think.
Is the age difference too great to make a lasting relationship? What do I say to people who ask his age? Isn't it rude for them to ask? I was raised to believe that it's rude to ask people how old they are. What about other rude comments people may make? -- LONELY AND LOOKING FOR LOVE
DEAR LONELY: As you've passed the half-century mark, the time has come to start living your own life and stop worrying about what other people "might" think. You and this man are both adults. If you like each other and want to spend some time -- or even lifetime -- together, it's strictly up to you. Should anyone ask how old he is, tell them to ask him. It's really nobody's business.
DEAR ABBY: I have a laughing problem that pops up only at school. I go into uncontrollable laughing fits in the middle of class. It has gotten me in trouble various times over the past couple of weeks. I have asked my mother for help with this problem. She said to think about other things and to pinch myself so I'll be distracted from thinking about it -- but neither of her suggestions seems to work for me. Can you give me any suggestions? -- GIGGLES IN NAPLES, FLA.
DEAR GIGGLES: It would be interesting to know exactly what is setting you off. If it's eye contact with another student, then stop looking. If you have a learning problem of some sort that's keeping you from concentrating on the tasks at hand, talk with your teacher about getting help for it. But if it's sheer mirth that's causing your laughter, then I recommend you start thinking about the penalty that will follow if you continue disrupting the class, because I'm sure it won't be funny.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of the groom. It will be an out-of-state evening wedding. What is the correct attire for the mother? I can only guess at what the color of the bridesmaids' dresses will be -- which I have been told are shades of "moss."
I certainly don't wish to conflict with the bride's mother, whom I have never met, nor have I met the bride. -- LISA IN LOS ANGELES
DEAR LISA: Pick up the phone and call the bride's mother. Ask her what color she will be wearing, and if she would send you a small piece of the fabric so there will be no chance that you'll "clash." I'm sure she will not only be glad to help you out, she'll also be pleased that you reached out to her. Consider it the opening of lifelong dialogue between friends.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your male readers. More than one person has come into my house and commenced going through my personal papers, my desk drawers, my checkbook and other personal items. I have been told that this is acceptable because I am unmarried.
Is there some rule that states there are different rules for married and unmarried people? -- TAKEN ABACK IN POCATELLO, IDAHO
DEAR TAKEN ABACK: The visitors you have described are rude and nosy, and no rule of etiquette validates their behavior. If you must entertain them in your home, then put your personal papers under lock and key.
Mom Still Plays Favorites on Her Way to the Grave
DEAR ABBY: My mother is in her early 70s, and her health is deteriorating after a lifetime of alcohol abuse, smoking and other vices. She has been in and out of hospitals for different ailments over the last four years or so. The last few episodes have been the most worrisome, including breathing problems related to congestive heart failure.
The problem is, my mother chooses not to let most of her children know when she goes to the hospital. She's a very manipulative person from the alcoholism and drug abuse. She has her "favorites" who know everything -- while the rest of us are kept in the dark, even about life-threatening ER visits.
My sister, who is on Mom's favorites list and gladly plays along with this sick little game, doesn't have a problem with it, and we recently had a heated argument over it. I am not on the favorites list, as you might imagine. I keep my wife and children away from my mother as much as possible because of her repeated verbal and emotional abuse.
Abby, I am dreadfully scared that I'm not going to get to say goodbye to my mother when she finally dies. Please tell me what I can do to make sure it's not too late when it does happen. All I'm asking for is a courtesy phone call -- that's all. -- "PAUL" IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR PAUL: Please do not hold your breath waiting for a "courtesy phone call" that the odds are against your receiving. Your sister is sitting pretty just as things are, and your family dynamics are too entrenched and dysfunctional for significant changes at this point.
Rather than worrying about what is inevitably going to happen sooner or later, my advice is to take the bull by the horns and say goodbye to your mother now. If you can't do it in person, then do it in a letter -- which will guarantee you the last word. It is more important for you to get those feelings out than for your mother to "hear" them.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend's older sister, "Candy," was married last summer. At the last minute she asked me to fill in as a bridesmaid because her friend from out of town couldn't make it. I graciously accepted the offer, and also took over the bridal shower and bachelorette party. I spent a bundle on both parties and, of course, for the bridesmaid's dress, alterations, shoes, etc.
One month after the wedding, Candy moved out and left her husband. She is now seeing his best friend. Candy confided to me that she never really wanted to go through with the wedding in the first place because of her feelings for the best friend. I am beyond mad! I do not plan ever to speak to Candy again, but I'm conflicted because she's my best friend's sister.
I knew going into the wedding that it would be costly. But now, knowing all the facts, I feel betrayed and used. Are my feelings unreasonable? -- TICKED OFF IN TUCSON
DEAR TICKED OFF: Under the circumstances, your reaction is natural. But once you have cooled off, please try to be a little more forgiving. You have described a woman who is extremely immature. I'm sure she wasn't thinking about how her actions would affect you. She was probably afraid of how it would "look" if she canceled the wedding at the last minute -- which is what she should have done instead of creating this mess.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Bodice Ripping Romance Novels Are Now Dressed for Success
DEAR ABBY: You told "Nervous in Bernardsville, N.J." (9/2), whose daughter reads romance novels, that "some might argue that the idealized depiction of romance and women being 'rescued' by powerful, wealthy men is more worrisome than the sex and eroticism." It is clear from that statement that you haven't read one yourself in a long time.
Abby, the historical "bodice rippers" and the contemporary "doctor-nurse/millionaire-secretary" plotlines of the 1970s and 1980s long ago gave way to stories about independent, professional women who insist that men meet them on their own terms. (Not to say that this doesn't lead to increased sexual tension, but the point is, it is tension between two equals, not an alpha figure and a doormat.) "Nervous Mom" would be surprised to discover that her daughter is not just reading about romance and sex; she might also be acquiring strong, independent, feminist role models between those pages. -- NANCY BUTLER, ROMANCE WRITER, ROSCOE, N.Y.
DEAR NANCY: You're right. I have been so busy reading the mail that comes pouring into my office each week that it has been decades since I've had the time to delve into a romance novel. (Sob!) I heard from other romance writers who echoed your message, including Sharon Mignerey, Arlene James, Joy Nash, Cheryl Norman and P.C. Cast.
One writer conceded, however, that the romances she writes are "essentially sexual fantasies" containing graphic descriptions "of things I cannot mention in a family newspaper ... definitely written with the adult reader in mind." Her name is Kate Douglas, and her point -- with which I agree -- was that parents do need to be aware of what their children are reading. (And that includes on computers.) Read on:
DEAR ABBY: Your suggestion to borrow the book after the daughter reads it was a start, but I believe the mother should be more proactive. What about the novels attracts her daughter? Because, believe me, the intimacy aspect is only a small part of it. Perhaps the mother could explore the genre, find authors whose characters are more in line with her own views, and suggest those to her daughter. They could have a lively discussion of character development, narratives, etc.
Keeping the communication going is the most important aspect of all. Forbidding her daughter to read romances will do nothing but drive the behavior underground. -- WYOMING READER
DEAR ABBY: I was around the same age when I came home from school and said my classmates were reading a "terrible" book. Mom said I should bring it home and we would both read it. Mother would read a chapter while I was at school, and then we would discuss the story. The other girls were reading the novel under their blankets, holding a flashlight. My mom used the book as a teaching tool. She would say, "That girl didn't handle that situation right. What she should have done was ..."
I no longer remember much about the book -- not even the title. But I had a close relationship with my mother, and I guess I turned out all right. Wasn't Bertha Chamberlin a smart lady? You may use our names. I'm proud of Mama. -- JANET E. BACON
DEAR ABBY: I discovered romantic fiction at the public library as a 14-year-old. I was normal, curious and shy around boys -- but nonetheless longed for romance and adventure. Those books were "spicy," but they filled that niche without any risk to my physical health or reputation. I lived vicariously through them and avoided getting into "real life" trouble because of it! -- NEVER PROMISCUOUS, ALWAYS A FEMINIST, IN DENVER
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)