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Straying Spouses, Straight or Gay, Can Spread St Ds
DEAR ABBY: I have a couple of issues with the answer you gave "Dumbfounded in San Jose" (8/16), the woman who discovered that her husband had a homosexual relationship in college 20 years ago. Had she discovered the relationship was with a woman, would you have advised her similarly?
You implied that, because he was bisexual, he is more inclined to be adulterous and unsafe. Being bi does not mean you necessarily have relationships with men and women, but that you can be attracted to and possibly have relationships with both sexes. You have perpetrated a stigma that homosexuals and bisexuals are unfaithful and unsafe. He has chosen to spend his life with her, so it's possible he has been faithful to that commitment. -- PHILADELPHIA READER
DEAR PHILADELPHIA READER: Let me refresh your memory. The man was overheard discussing the four-year affair he had with his college roommate when the man came to visit. They were overheard by his 16-year-old son. The wife would like to discuss it with her son and her husband "to control the damage" -- but the son "refuses and is now pretending it's not important."
I advised her that if her son didn't think it was important, he wouldn't have told her. I also said she needed to find out if her husband's bisexual activity had continued after college, and that she should be tested for STDs. That is, by the way, the same advice I have given in the past to spouses of both sexes who suspect their partner has had heterosexual affairs.
In addition, I urged family counseling because the writer was unaware of her husband's prior sexual history and the news is bound to have an effect on their marriage -- and because their son may need reassurance and help working through this. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I was appalled by your response to "Dumbfounded in San Jose." For many people, attraction is not necessarily about gender. It's about the other person. It's entirely possible that this homosexual affair was a one-time thing, based on a special attraction, and that the husband is not skulking around back alleys with other men. If so, he is not automatically an AIDS risk.
You should be fair and give this man, and his marriage, the benefit of the doubt before rushing to the emergency room. (And yes, I live "there," and maybe have been brainwashed by the evil homosexual underground into thinking there's more than one way to approach sexual orientation.) -- APPALLED IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR APPALLED: Although it is possible that the four-year affair in college was a "one-time" thing, in my opinion "experimentation" is taking a nibble of the cake, not consuming the entire thing. And remember, this man kept it a secret from the woman he married. If there were no men carrying on clandestine affairs with other men while pretending to be strictly heterosexual, I wouldn't be concerned.
What I find extremely worrisome -- and it goes beyond the facts of this letter -- is that sexually transmitted diseases that could be prevented are rampant in this country because of ignorance. Sexually active seniors are getting AIDS because they think they're somehow exempt from having to take the same precautions young people do. Parents are refusing to have their daughters vaccinated against a virus that's linked to cervical cancer because they're afraid it will give them permission to have sex before marriage. (Has it not occurred to them that these girls can cross the altar as virgins and be infected by their husbands?) Men have unprotected sex with other men and call it something else.
Sometimes I ask myself if we're living in the United States or a State of Denial. My advice was the prudent thing to do.
Daughter Frustrated by Mom's Guilt Trip to Take Road Trip
DEAR ABBY: Does it make me a horrible daughter if I don't want to take my mother to visit my older sister who lives 90 miles away? According to my mother, it does. I have always taken her in the past, even when it was the last thing I wanted to do.
I was divorced for several years, but three years ago I married a wonderful man, and now I have a life. I suppose in the past my mother felt I had nothing better to do. When I act like I'd rather not go, she says things such as, "I'll be dead someday, and you won't have to bother with me." I hate that.
She also tries to drag my husband into the argument, saying he won't "let" me go, as if to suggest that I really want to go and it's his fault.
My husband says she's jealous that I have him in my life, and she feels like he's taken me from being at her beck and call. What do you think? -- FEELING GUILTY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR FEELING GUILTY: Your husband has keen insight. You're feeling guilty because your mother plasters on the guilt like a baker spreads frosting. If you are her only mode of transportation, perhaps it's time to suggest that if she wants a visit with your sister, your sister should pick her up -- or better yet, come to visit Mama.
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Madison," became engaged a couple of months ago, and she and her fiance have set their wedding date for April of next year. My stepdaughter, "Brittany," who has been living with her boyfriend for years and has two kids with him, has just decided they will be getting married at the end of March 2007.
I find it very strange that all of a sudden a wedding is in the making. I suspect she has ulterior motives. We are planning an expensive wedding for Madison, which was already decided upon way before Brittany's wedding was even mentioned. Brittany is now expecting us to pay for it. What is our financial obligation? -- ANNOYED IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR ANNOYED: In light of the fact that Brittany has been living with her boyfriend for years and has already started a family, I do not understand her rush to beat your daughter to the finish line. It appears she's trying to upstage Madison -- and is not being subtle about it.
A wedding is a gift, not an obligation, on the part of parents. So please do not allow yourself to be intimidated into doing anything that is beyond your finances.
DEAR ABBY: My high school girlfriend and I were married after dating for 6 1/2 years. The marriage lasted less than a year because she was unfaithful.
About five months after the split, I began dating a fellow law student. It has been fantastic. In fact, we have spent only four nights apart since we made our relationship official.
How long should I wait between my divorce and proposing to my girlfriend? -- EAGER IN INDIANAPOLIS
DEAR EAGER: Once your divorce is final, there's no reason why you can't propose to your girlfriend as soon as you wish. However, I would caution you to hold off on marrying quickly.
Theoretically, this romance could be considered "on the rebound." You have spent very little time in your life unattached. If you're smart enough for law school, you should understand the wisdom of allowing this enjoyable relationship to ripen until you and she are both confident it will last a lifetime. Time is on your side, so please don't rush it.
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Co Worker's Propositions Put Woman in Awkward Position
DEAR ABBY: I was recently placed in an uncomfortable situation. "Adam," a 43-year-old married co-worker, was using myspace.com to contact me four and five times a day on my days off. The messages culminated when he told me he was crazy about me and would like to "kiss and cuddle outside of work." Abby, I am 20 and very happy in my current relationship. I told Adam I would be neither interested nor comfortable doing that with him.
He was going through a rough patch in his life at the time, so I didn't report him to management because it would have gotten him fired, and he and his family couldn't afford for him to lose his job. However, Adam has approached every single young female at the company with a similar proposition at one point or another. It is fairly common knowledge, and no one has spoken up about it.
Adam now talks to me at work only when necessary and has stopped contacting me on my days off, but the whole situation feels weird, and I know in the future another girl will inevitably be put in the same situation I was. Adam has already been disciplined several times for saying inappropriate things and, while I don't want to punish his family for his bad behavior by costing him his job, I also don't want any other girl to be made uncomfortable because of him. Any suggestions? -- HAD IT IN DAVENPORT, IOWA
DEAR HAD IT: Considering "Adam's" history, you should have spoken up at the time he began sexually harassing you. It was not your responsibility to protect his family from the repercussions of his bad behavior. If their financial future is jeopardized, it will be because of Adam, not you or any of the other women he has gone after.
One way to ensure that he cannot harass anyone else in the future would be to gather all of the young women he has done this to, and pay a call on the director of human resources or your boss. It's the surest way to ensure he won't act like a fox at the henhouse the day the next young female employee is hired.
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and a freshman in high school. I have been best friends with a girl I'll call Tracy ever since third grade.
Two years ago, Tracy's father was killed in a car accident, and it's like she hasn't grown since. My problem is, she treats me differently now. She has said it's because I bring back memories of her dad and it hurts her, but I'm the one being hurt.
Tracy and I have only one class together, but we see each other every day during lunch. She rarely talks to me when we're around my friends, and if she does, it's not always a nice comment. She admitted a few days ago it's because she thinks I am smart and she isn't.
My parents have asked me again and again if I really want to be her friend, and I have answered "yes" every time. But I'm tired of the way she treats our friendship. Is it time for us to grow apart? -- SAD IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR SAD: Let me put it this way. It's time that you accepted that you haven't been "best friends" for some time, and you have ALREADY grown apart. It is sad that your friend lost her father and that seeing you reminds her of her loss. But you can't change either of those things, and you deserve to be treated with kindness and respect. Because you're not getting those things from Tracy, it is time to move on.
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