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Getting Out to Mingle Increases Chance of Finding Mr. Right
DEAR READERS: As promised, I'm continuing yesterday's topic about finding Mr. (or Ms.) Right. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I would like to offer some suggestions to the successful career woman who asked if she and her friends should "dumb themselves down" in order to find a man:
When people let frustration and pouting get the best of them, they give off a bad vibe that no one finds attractive. She needs to continue with her success. She should get out of the house, do things she enjoys, go to parties, parks, sporting events, church, art classes, wine tastings -- whatever! Mr. Right won't magically show up on her doorstep, and she'll be happier in the meantime doing what makes her happy.
It's OK to talk with friends and co-workers about her single status. Do they know she's available and open for suggestions and blind dates? The person she meets may not be Mr. Right, but he may have a friend who could be. Has she tried online dating sites? There's one for just about everyone.
Instead of looking for "Mr. Perfect," look for "Mr. Perfect-for-YOU." Make a list of the qualities that you can't live without and then stick to it. And, last but not least, she should list all the great qualities she has to offer, and post it where she can see it every day. If she keeps reminding herself that she is a catch, she'll get caught! -- HAVE FAITH, COLUMBIA, S.C.
DEAR HAVE FAITH: Your comments are terrific, and I hope the woman who wrote me (and others!) take them to heart. That so many people identified with that letter and reached out is heartwarming. Thanks for wanting to help. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: In my area of about 150,000 people, there's a shortage of women. Many single, successful straight men find it hard to thrive amidst all the noise, pollution and crime of a big city.
Look at the statistics -- the new exurbia is where to find a lot of single engineers, scientists, financial and insurance executives. I know smart women who have moved here just to meet men and have promptly gotten married. (And if they absolutely, positively want to be married, they should consider moving to Alaska!) -- STEVE IN RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR STEVE: It would certainly be worth an exploratory vacation trip to find out.
DEAR ABBY: Instead of bemoaning their situation, those women should revel in it as I did. I moved my career forward, took up off-road cycling, traveled the world, took classes, went to plays -- you name it. I married for the first time at 36. But I'm glad I can look back at my single years with so many fond memories of the adventures I had. And if Mr. Right never comes along, she may be too busy to notice. -- BEEN THERE IN WISCONSIN
DEAR ABBY: She needs to "broaden her customer base." Someone from a completely different background might be less likely to be threatened by her success in her field. The bonus is twofold. She'll meet a whole new crowd and discover new interests. Nothing is more attractive than a person enjoying herself. -- TRENT IN CATHEDRAL CITY, CALIF.
DEAR ABBY: Smart women who have trouble finding men for relationships should join Mensa. Mensa members come from every demographic and have one thing in common: They are in the top 2 percent of the population intelligence-wise. -- HELPFUL READER IN THE U.S.A.
DEAR HELPFUL: Good suggestion. Not everyone finds love in Mensa, but it's a wonderful way to meet other people who value intelligence in both men and women. To learn more about Mensa, log on to www.mensa.org or www.us.mensa.org.
Tomorrow, I'll reprint my own handy-dandy suggestions for meeting eligible people.
Woman Looking for Mr. Right May Be Using Wrong Criteria
DEAR READERS: A successful, single career woman wrote me recently wondering if she should "curtail (her) professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ" in order to land a husband. She asked, on behalf of herself and her unmarried friends, "how to find true happiness while being true to themselves." Fascinating mail from readers poured in. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is MY reaction to that woman's comment about taking a job as an "administrator" so that she won't appear to be so smart. I assume by "administrator" she means the administrative assistant positions that are vital to the smooth running of almost every business and organization.
Perhaps her elitist attitude is what's causing her to be single, and not her job or financial status. Please inform "Miss Thing" that not only are most successful assistants highly intelligent, but many of us know something she doesn't -- how to deal with people! Some of us went to college just like she did, but ended up in administrative positions through downsizing, necessity -- or maybe some of us really like our jobs.
You were right to advise her not to step down the ladder in the corporate world. With her superior attitude, she'd never make it "down here at the bottom." -- ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT WITH AN MBA
DEAR ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT: I understand why you might have been offended by the writer's comment, but please understand that people experiencing a painful life crisis aren't always politically correct.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-something male in the same situation. I remember a former psychology professor giving us a lecture that addressed this issue. He said people are often lonely not because nobody loves them, but because they don't love or recognize the ones who DO. He gave an example of a woman who complained that she was lonely and without prospects. Her mentor said, "What about Jim, the checker at the grocery store? He wants to date you." She dismissed it with, "... but he works in a grocery store."
I'm a college-educated professional, also unattached and sometimes lonely. I sometimes remember the nice women who might have been interested in me years ago, but whom I didn't consider because "she was just a waitress," "wasn't a college graduate," "was divorced," etc. I would urge the writer and her friends to ask themselves if they truly are without prospects. -- GEOFF IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you $50 those women all go out in a crowd. There is nothing more intimidating than trying to ask for a date when the woman is at a table full of her girlfriends. Few males are confident enough to subject themselves to the typical withering judgment of a clique.
Smart women, if they are truly smart, understand that they need to make themselves accessible! -- J.S., DANVILLE, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: Successful single women with high IQs might scrutinize their criteria for "Mr. Right." Must he have a "certain income," perfect looks, the right connections? Can he have children, a limp, a bald head, be poorer than she is? Are they looking for love without judgment, as they would wish to be evaluated?
Regardless of their achieved status, they must realize that what's on the inside means more. Do they wear contacts, makeup, padded bra, color their hair? They do?
Life isn't "Sex and the City" or any other media-produced 60-minute "life." You can't put yourself on your own pedestal. I found love -- twice -- with "country boys" who ended up having more smarts and giving me more love than I ever hoped for.
If those women stop looking, love will find them when they least expect it. -- BETSY IN PLANO, TEXAS
READERS: More on this subject tomorrow.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE PONDERS LEAVING MAN WHO DOES NOTHING BUT TAKE
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm being petty. We do pretty much whatever and go wherever my husband, "Al," wants. When he lost four family members in two years, I was at his side night and day, being supportive in every way I could. We go only to sporting events because that's what he likes. If I mention I'd like to go to a concert, a play or a movie, Al tells me to ask my sister or a girlfriend to go with me.
Recently, two things happened that cut me to the core. First, my mother died. Al provided me no support at all. As I was packing to leave -- my parents live several hundred miles away -- he announced that he wasn't going with me. I made the long drive alone. Next was a major anniversary. Al told me he was planning a "big surprise" for me, a weekend at a hotel with dinner at a swanky restaurant -- the whole works. When we arrived, so did several of his buddies. It "just so happened" a big game was going on in the same city and they had tickets -- including one for Al. He canceled our dinner reservations and left with his friends. I spent our anniversary alone at the hotel.
Abby, I love my husband, but I no longer like him very much. He can't seem to understand that there is anything wrong, no matter how much I try to explain it to him. I'm torn between keeping my mouth shut and staying, or leaving. We're both in our 50s. I'd have a rough time, but sadly, I don't think he'd miss me. -- CRUSHED IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR CRUSHED: You have my sympathy. That you were emotionally abandoned upon the death of a parent was unconscionable. And when your husband promised a big anniversary surprise, the cruel one he delivered was certainly not the kind of "surprise" anyone would normally expect.
However, perhaps you should examine your own role in creating this "monster" to whom you are now married. Was he this way during your courtship? If so, why did you marry him? If it happened only after the wedding, why did you tolerate it so passively that he never learned a happy marriage requires compromise?
Whether you decide to stay or go, it's time you got some assertiveness training, because if you don't, this pattern will only repeat itself. Would he miss you if you left? Sometimes people don't realize they have a good thing until it's gone. But more important, would you miss him? Ask yourself, "Am I better off with him or without him?" The solution to this problem lies in the answer to that question.
DEAR ABBY: My friend -- I'll call her "Dina" -- has a difficult time getting pregnant. All the tests she had done came back normal. They can't find anything wrong with her, but she can't conceive. Dina does not want to adopt. She loves kids, but she wants one of her own.
It is very difficult to tell her to relax and take it easy. I tried telling her that, but she keeps getting frustrated all the time, and now it's affecting her sex life and her marriage. Any ideas? -- CAREFREE IN SEASIDE, CALIF
DEAR CAREFREE: Your friend's problem is more common than you may think. Telling her to "relax and take it easy" was the wrong thing to do, however well-meant. She is hurting, and every monthly cycle that goes by is a reminder. Much as you might like to, you can't make the situation "better."
My advice to you is to suggest that Dina and her husband talk with a fertility specialist, and possibly a psychotherapist, to help her deal with her pain, frustration, disappointment and anger.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN READERS: Happy Chinese New Year, as you welcome the Year of the Dog.
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