For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Looking for Mr. Right May Be Using Wrong Criteria
DEAR READERS: A successful, single career woman wrote me recently wondering if she should "curtail (her) professional success, financial wherewithal and IQ" in order to land a husband. She asked, on behalf of herself and her unmarried friends, "how to find true happiness while being true to themselves." Fascinating mail from readers poured in. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: This is MY reaction to that woman's comment about taking a job as an "administrator" so that she won't appear to be so smart. I assume by "administrator" she means the administrative assistant positions that are vital to the smooth running of almost every business and organization.
Perhaps her elitist attitude is what's causing her to be single, and not her job or financial status. Please inform "Miss Thing" that not only are most successful assistants highly intelligent, but many of us know something she doesn't -- how to deal with people! Some of us went to college just like she did, but ended up in administrative positions through downsizing, necessity -- or maybe some of us really like our jobs.
You were right to advise her not to step down the ladder in the corporate world. With her superior attitude, she'd never make it "down here at the bottom." -- ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT WITH AN MBA
DEAR ADMINISTRATIVE ASSISTANT: I understand why you might have been offended by the writer's comment, but please understand that people experiencing a painful life crisis aren't always politically correct.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 30-something male in the same situation. I remember a former psychology professor giving us a lecture that addressed this issue. He said people are often lonely not because nobody loves them, but because they don't love or recognize the ones who DO. He gave an example of a woman who complained that she was lonely and without prospects. Her mentor said, "What about Jim, the checker at the grocery store? He wants to date you." She dismissed it with, "... but he works in a grocery store."
I'm a college-educated professional, also unattached and sometimes lonely. I sometimes remember the nice women who might have been interested in me years ago, but whom I didn't consider because "she was just a waitress," "wasn't a college graduate," "was divorced," etc. I would urge the writer and her friends to ask themselves if they truly are without prospects. -- GEOFF IN MILWAUKEE
DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you $50 those women all go out in a crowd. There is nothing more intimidating than trying to ask for a date when the woman is at a table full of her girlfriends. Few males are confident enough to subject themselves to the typical withering judgment of a clique.
Smart women, if they are truly smart, understand that they need to make themselves accessible! -- J.S., DANVILLE, OHIO
DEAR ABBY: Successful single women with high IQs might scrutinize their criteria for "Mr. Right." Must he have a "certain income," perfect looks, the right connections? Can he have children, a limp, a bald head, be poorer than she is? Are they looking for love without judgment, as they would wish to be evaluated?
Regardless of their achieved status, they must realize that what's on the inside means more. Do they wear contacts, makeup, padded bra, color their hair? They do?
Life isn't "Sex and the City" or any other media-produced 60-minute "life." You can't put yourself on your own pedestal. I found love -- twice -- with "country boys" who ended up having more smarts and giving me more love than I ever hoped for.
If those women stop looking, love will find them when they least expect it. -- BETSY IN PLANO, TEXAS
READERS: More on this subject tomorrow.
WIFE PONDERS LEAVING MAN WHO DOES NOTHING BUT TAKE
DEAR ABBY: Please tell me if I'm being petty. We do pretty much whatever and go wherever my husband, "Al," wants. When he lost four family members in two years, I was at his side night and day, being supportive in every way I could. We go only to sporting events because that's what he likes. If I mention I'd like to go to a concert, a play or a movie, Al tells me to ask my sister or a girlfriend to go with me.
Recently, two things happened that cut me to the core. First, my mother died. Al provided me no support at all. As I was packing to leave -- my parents live several hundred miles away -- he announced that he wasn't going with me. I made the long drive alone. Next was a major anniversary. Al told me he was planning a "big surprise" for me, a weekend at a hotel with dinner at a swanky restaurant -- the whole works. When we arrived, so did several of his buddies. It "just so happened" a big game was going on in the same city and they had tickets -- including one for Al. He canceled our dinner reservations and left with his friends. I spent our anniversary alone at the hotel.
Abby, I love my husband, but I no longer like him very much. He can't seem to understand that there is anything wrong, no matter how much I try to explain it to him. I'm torn between keeping my mouth shut and staying, or leaving. We're both in our 50s. I'd have a rough time, but sadly, I don't think he'd miss me. -- CRUSHED IN LEWISVILLE, TEXAS
DEAR CRUSHED: You have my sympathy. That you were emotionally abandoned upon the death of a parent was unconscionable. And when your husband promised a big anniversary surprise, the cruel one he delivered was certainly not the kind of "surprise" anyone would normally expect.
However, perhaps you should examine your own role in creating this "monster" to whom you are now married. Was he this way during your courtship? If so, why did you marry him? If it happened only after the wedding, why did you tolerate it so passively that he never learned a happy marriage requires compromise?
Whether you decide to stay or go, it's time you got some assertiveness training, because if you don't, this pattern will only repeat itself. Would he miss you if you left? Sometimes people don't realize they have a good thing until it's gone. But more important, would you miss him? Ask yourself, "Am I better off with him or without him?" The solution to this problem lies in the answer to that question.
DEAR ABBY: My friend -- I'll call her "Dina" -- has a difficult time getting pregnant. All the tests she had done came back normal. They can't find anything wrong with her, but she can't conceive. Dina does not want to adopt. She loves kids, but she wants one of her own.
It is very difficult to tell her to relax and take it easy. I tried telling her that, but she keeps getting frustrated all the time, and now it's affecting her sex life and her marriage. Any ideas? -- CAREFREE IN SEASIDE, CALIF
DEAR CAREFREE: Your friend's problem is more common than you may think. Telling her to "relax and take it easy" was the wrong thing to do, however well-meant. She is hurting, and every monthly cycle that goes by is a reminder. Much as you might like to, you can't make the situation "better."
My advice to you is to suggest that Dina and her husband talk with a fertility specialist, and possibly a psychotherapist, to help her deal with her pain, frustration, disappointment and anger.
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY ASIAN READERS: Happy Chinese New Year, as you welcome the Year of the Dog.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Free Baby Sitting Could Be Costly to New Baby's Health
DEAR ABBY: My long-term boyfriend, "Clayton," and I recently found out that we're pregnant. Although it wasn't planned, we're both thrilled to be new parents. We're doing everything within our power to have the healthiest baby possible.
Because we're on a tight budget, Clayton's mother has volunteered to provide day-care services once our child is born and I return to work. She and I have never gotten along well, and we haven't spoken to each other in more than 18 months. She was also recently diagnosed with a terminal disease that makes it impossible for her to drive long distances, lift heavy objects, or return to her job as a legal secretary. On top of that, she's a heavy smoker, an alcoholic, and is on a whole cocktail of medications for her disease, depression, blood pressure, etc.
I don't feel comfortable with the idea of leaving my baby with her eight hours a day, five days a week, but every time I try to tell Clayton I would prefer to pay for day-care services, he tells me I'm "stupid" for wanting to pay money when his mother is offering to baby-sit for free. How can I explain my feelings to him without being ridiculed for being an overly cautious first-time mother? -- WORRIED MOM-TO-BE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR WORRIED: From where I sit, your concerns seem very much rooted in reality. What I'm having trouble understanding is why your boyfriend, whom you say is committed to doing everything in his power to assure that you have a healthy baby, would drop the ball when it comes to ensuring that he or she is well-cared-for after birth.
Leaving the baby with a woman who "hasn't spoken to you in 18 months," who is so ill she cannot work, who smokes, abuses alcohol, and is on a "whole cocktail" of medications that could be harmful if mixed with alcohol seems more like a recipe for disaster than a "freebie" to me. In fact, leaving the baby with her could be considered child endangerment. Please, for the sake of your baby, stand your ground.
DEAR ABBY: My friend "George" was widowed for a long time. He remarried a couple of years ago to "Renee," an incessant talker. Renee turns every conversation back either to herself or her daughter. It has gotten so bad that my wife and I really don't want to see them anymore.
Other people, including George, are aware of the problem. I asked him once if Renee realized how much she talked, and he replied that she's totally unaware of it. He doesn't know what to do about it, either.
Is there a way to get a message across to her that she's driving people crazy, and for the sake of the friendship, she needs to stop talking so much? Please advise. We like them and would like to remain friends. -- CLUELESS IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR CLUELESS: Renee may be insecure and need to feel in control. She may need to be the center of attention, or be a compulsive talker. Her problem could also be that she feels she's competing with the ghost of George's first wife, and rather than work to preserve his old friendships, she'd prefer they cultivate new ones together, with couples who never knew wife No. 1.
Of course, the person who needs to address this problem with Renee is her husband. If that doesn't improve the situation, my advice is to see George only for "man-to-man" visits over lunch.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)