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Plagiarizing Priest Gives No Comfort to Mourning Daughter
DEAR ABBY: My 81-year-old mother died suddenly, and as her oldest daughter, I was asked to give her eulogy. I was told by our church that I needed to submit my remarks to the priest beforehand, to make sure they were "appropriate."
At the funeral Mass, when the priest, who knew my mother only by sight, began his homily, he used the exact words and phrases from my own eulogy. I was, naturally, taken aback at his using my own heartfelt words, which I had labored over and rehearsed for two days. When it was time to speak, I was able to recover enough to reference "Father's" remarks earlier -- but it was extremely upsetting to suddenly hear my words coming out of his mouth. I could understand if he had wanted to coordinate his remarks with mine, but he outright stole them.
I feel that by requiring me to submit my eulogy in advance, the priest was provided with the "CliffsNotes" he needed to do his homily. I was also upset that he did not counsel my family, attend her wake or the interment.
When I returned to the funeral home to pick up the photographs of my mother, I discussed my feelings of profound disappointment with the funeral director. He told me it wasn't the first time he'd heard this complaint about this priest, and I should write the priest a letter.
On one hand, I feel my mother would be upset if I create a conflict with the parish. On the other, I wonder how many other grieving mourners will sit in a front pew during a funeral Mass, astounded when this priest pre-empts their eulogy. Should I write a letter to the priest or let it go? -- UPSET IN UPSTATE NEW YORK
DEAR UPSET: Your feelings are justified. The priest who plagiarized your eulogy was a thief. He stole your intellectual property to make himself look good at your expense, and he should be ashamed of his laziness. Clearly, however, he is not -- because according to the funeral director he has done it before, and he'll continue to do it unless held accountable.
By all means write a letter to the priest telling him how, rather than comforting you, his homily upset you. Then copy the bishop with the letter.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a college student who lives in a dorm. My problem is I live next door to a moocher. One time, "Ms. Moocher" came into my room and asked if she could unplug my TV and take it into her room to watch "The O.C." on it. Another time, she came waltzing in my room carrying my hairbrush, which she had taken without my permission.
Recently I returned from a weekend away to find that half my popcorn was gone. It turned out that Ms. Moocher had taken and eaten it.
She has my cell phone number and can easily call and ask me when she wants to borrow my things. I have no problem with sharing with her, but her taking my things without asking is just plain rude. I know I need to talk to her, but I don't know what to say because I have to co-exist with her for the rest of the year. Please help! -- FED UP IN ATHENS, GA.
DEAR FED UP: Unless you can find the backbone to face your neighbor and tell her firmly, "I do not want you taking my things without asking first," it's time to buy a lock for your dorm room door and use it when you're not there. Either way, Ms. Moocher will get the message.
Living Life Through the Soaps Disguises Chronic Depression
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to "Bored Husband, Akron, Ohio," whose wife is addicted to soap operas. Several years ago, I, too, was addicted to them. I'd cry when my favorite soap stars got married, I'd cry when someone died on one of my favorite shows, and be extremely elated when something good happened to one of them. In short, I lived my life vicariously through the soaps.
I finally went to my doctor for a checkup and -- guess what! I was diagnosed with chronic depression. I was put on medication, a new diet, and told to find something to do to fill my daytime hours that did not include watching soaps.
When life is not exciting or challenging, people tend to look for something to spark their lives. "Bored" should, first of all, take his wife to the doctor to be screened for depression, and possibly counseling. After that, they should find something they can do together -- like bowling, golf or volunteering. Most important of all, he should keep trying to find a solution to the problem and not give up. I wish him luck. -- ROSE IN OREGON
DEAR ROSE: Thank you for your generosity in sharing your personal experience. Predictably, the mail I received commenting on "Bored Husband's" letter was all over the map -- including some from staunch soap opera fans declaring that after 50 years of marriage, the wife "had a right" to spend her remaining years doing exactly as she wished. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The man complaining about his wife's "addiction" to the soaps hit a nerve. Obviously the soaps have been her company for years. Where was he? Where were the kids? She has filled her time with soaps, which apparently have never let her down.
After 50 years, maybe she just doesn't like her husband anymore and uses the soaps for an excuse. I'm on her side! -- SOAP OPERA LOVER IN HOUSTON
DEAR ABBY: When I saw that letter, I had to chuckle. My mom got me addicted to soaps back in the '70s, when I was in my early 20s. I finally decided that sitting for three hours a day listening to other people's problems was about the dumbest thing I had ever done. I stopped -- cold turkey.
In 1988, my dear mother was in the hospital with a terminal illness. I sat at her bedside for days, and of course, she had the soaps on. Abby, I could follow the story lines perfectly! I knew all the people and what was going on. It had been more than eight years since I had watched. It was then that I realized how much time in my life had been wasted on those shows. Mom died shortly after that, and I've never watched a soap opera since. -- FORMER ADDICT, SAWYER, OKLA.
DEAR ABBY: I completely relate to that man's problem. I had it, too. From the moment VCRs went on the market, my wife taped every show so she could watch them after work. After years of going our own ways, talking, counseling with three different groups, nothing changed.
After 45 years of marriage, I knew there had to be something better. I divorced her and began a wonderful new life. My solution may not work for everyone, but for me, my only regret was not biting the bullet sooner. -- RICHARD IN NEW YORK
DEAR ABBY: Lots of women would adore having someone to go out to lunch with, and I'm one of them. I don't watch soap operas, and I'd love to have someone to go places with, do things with, or just to talk to. If "Bored Husband" would like to trade that wife in for one who's 64 and would consider him the answer to her prayers -- tell him to come on down! -- MISSISSIPPI REDHEAD
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Face Shoved in Cake Leaves Boy in Tears and Guest Aghast
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I attended a birthday party for a 5-year-old boy. After the cake was brought out and the birthday song had been sung, the child's face was shoved into his beautiful birthday cake. The boy cried piteously amidst the roaring laughter of the children and the adults in the crowd.
I, and a few of the other adults, displayed shock, disgust and sympathy for the birthday boy. As if that wasn't enough, his 3-year-old brother was also smeared with the cake and frosting. He, too, burst into tears.
I have seen the same scenario at a 90-year-old's birthday party. Please give me your thoughts on this. There are other children's birthday parties I will be attending. -- DISMAYED GRANDMOTHER, LAREDO, TEXAS
DEAR DISMAYED: I'm glad to oblige. I have never found humor at the expense of others to be funny. I consider it to be cruel, hostile, and a form of bullying. That a parent would tolerate, much less participate in, the humiliation of his or her child is an appalling breach of trust. If you truly believe that you will be seeing a repeat performance at another child's birthday party, I wouldn't blame you for not attending -- and clearly stating the reason why.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Neil" for two years. It has been an emotional roller-coaster, mostly because we live 500 miles apart and can't afford to visit each other regularly.
My problem is Neil is still in possession of the bridal gown that belonged to his former fiancee. They broke up more than five years ago. She has since married and gone on with her life.
Last March, I finally felt I had a right to ask him to dispose of it, but he still has it. He tells me he is "trying" to get rid of it, but I have seen no real effort. (He said he has offered it for sale, but has had no takers.)
I just want it gone! Neil feels I'm overreacting. He insists he wants the money back that he spent on it. I say no one will pay what he originally paid, and he should cut his losses. I even offered to buy it and donate it to charity. All I got was a smile and, "I'll think about it."
Abby, I feel Neil is holding on to a past that's not there. I know he loves me and not her. But I'd feel better if that "reminder" was gone already. Am I wrong? -- DESPERATE GIRLFRIEND
DEAR DESPERATE: If I were you, I'd drop the subject for now because you are needlessly turning this into a power struggle. You might succeed in bullying him into getting rid of this sad memento, but what I think you really resent is the emotional investment it represents. Please believe me when I tell you that the more you nag, the further you'll drive him away -- and I don't mean geographically. If and when the romance moves to the next level -- a formal engagement or marriage -- ask him to "store" the dress elsewhere if it means too much to get rid of.
DEAR ABBY: My question concerns wedding etiquette. If my co-workers give me a wedding shower at work, am I obligated to invite them to my wedding? -- ANOTHER CONFUSED BRIDE IN MARTINSBURG, W.VA.
DEAR CONFUSED BRIDE: If someone hosts or attends a shower for you, in my opinion, good manners dictate that the person be invited to your wedding.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)