Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Face Shoved in Cake Leaves Boy in Tears and Guest Aghast
DEAR ABBY: Not long ago, I attended a birthday party for a 5-year-old boy. After the cake was brought out and the birthday song had been sung, the child's face was shoved into his beautiful birthday cake. The boy cried piteously amidst the roaring laughter of the children and the adults in the crowd.
I, and a few of the other adults, displayed shock, disgust and sympathy for the birthday boy. As if that wasn't enough, his 3-year-old brother was also smeared with the cake and frosting. He, too, burst into tears.
I have seen the same scenario at a 90-year-old's birthday party. Please give me your thoughts on this. There are other children's birthday parties I will be attending. -- DISMAYED GRANDMOTHER, LAREDO, TEXAS
DEAR DISMAYED: I'm glad to oblige. I have never found humor at the expense of others to be funny. I consider it to be cruel, hostile, and a form of bullying. That a parent would tolerate, much less participate in, the humiliation of his or her child is an appalling breach of trust. If you truly believe that you will be seeing a repeat performance at another child's birthday party, I wouldn't blame you for not attending -- and clearly stating the reason why.
DEAR ABBY: I have been dating "Neil" for two years. It has been an emotional roller-coaster, mostly because we live 500 miles apart and can't afford to visit each other regularly.
My problem is Neil is still in possession of the bridal gown that belonged to his former fiancee. They broke up more than five years ago. She has since married and gone on with her life.
Last March, I finally felt I had a right to ask him to dispose of it, but he still has it. He tells me he is "trying" to get rid of it, but I have seen no real effort. (He said he has offered it for sale, but has had no takers.)
I just want it gone! Neil feels I'm overreacting. He insists he wants the money back that he spent on it. I say no one will pay what he originally paid, and he should cut his losses. I even offered to buy it and donate it to charity. All I got was a smile and, "I'll think about it."
Abby, I feel Neil is holding on to a past that's not there. I know he loves me and not her. But I'd feel better if that "reminder" was gone already. Am I wrong? -- DESPERATE GIRLFRIEND
DEAR DESPERATE: If I were you, I'd drop the subject for now because you are needlessly turning this into a power struggle. You might succeed in bullying him into getting rid of this sad memento, but what I think you really resent is the emotional investment it represents. Please believe me when I tell you that the more you nag, the further you'll drive him away -- and I don't mean geographically. If and when the romance moves to the next level -- a formal engagement or marriage -- ask him to "store" the dress elsewhere if it means too much to get rid of.
DEAR ABBY: My question concerns wedding etiquette. If my co-workers give me a wedding shower at work, am I obligated to invite them to my wedding? -- ANOTHER CONFUSED BRIDE IN MARTINSBURG, W.VA.
DEAR CONFUSED BRIDE: If someone hosts or attends a shower for you, in my opinion, good manners dictate that the person be invited to your wedding.
Hostess With the Mostest Has Guest Who's the Worst
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have always made it a priority to spend time with the people in our lives we care for. At this stage, our children are gone and our large home is ideal for gatherings, so we are frequent hosts to friends and family.
One of our close friends, "Gloria," has a roommate, "Ivy," who has taken it upon herself to show up at any event she hears about without being invited. This has put Gloria in the uncomfortable position of being the "informant." In most cases, it wouldn't present a problem. However, Ivy has shown up at sit-down dinners with limited seating. She never offers to bring anything or calls to make sure she's welcome. Sometimes she shows up earlier than when our guests have been told to arrive. This has caused some awkward situations for me, to put it mildly.
Not only that, but Ivy is a very demanding guest. On a few occasions she has tried to boss me around and expects me to wait on her hand and foot. How can we tactfully tell this woman she needs to call before showing up to make sure she's welcome? -- HOSTESS WITH THE MOSTEST IN OHIO
DEAR HOSTESS: You have described a boor who knows no boundaries. Please do not waste your time trying to be "tactful," because it won't work. The next time Ivy shows up uninvited, tell her exactly what you have written to me and do not admit her. Period.
DEAR ABBY: I have struggled with my weight ever since the death of my child several years ago. This year for Christmas, a family member -- who despises me -- drew my name. Her gift to me was a glass pie dish containing cookie-making ingredients, plus a pastry cutter and two basting brushes.
She knows I always send thank-you cards. What kind of thank-you should I send her? She reads your column. Maybe I can just send her your reply? -- STUMPED IN WEST RICHLAND, WASH.
DEAR STUMPED: Do not clip and send the woman my reply. That would be bad manners. Instead, copy it on stationery in your own handwriting. Here's what to tell her:
"How kind of you to remember me with the goodie-fixings. I have always felt that the thought and planning that go into selecting a gift are what makes it -- and the sender -- so special. Your generosity will not soon be forgotten!"
I think that will express what you would like to say in a way that will leave you above reproach.
DEAR ABBY: I need to know if my husband's relationship with his ex-wife should be tolerated. They talk to each other on the phone every month or so, and send each other cards on special occasions. Their closeness caused a former girlfriend to break off their relationship before we met.
He is determined to stay close and sees nothing wrong with it. There were no children from the marriage, Abby, so that is not the reason.
Why do people who remain this close get divorced? Am I wrong to feel hurt and threatened, because I'm ready to just walk away from this warped, co-dependent relationship. Please let me know your thoughts. -- READY TO QUIT IN ARIZONA
DEAR READY TO QUIT: Your husband's first marriage failed for good reason. However, he and his ex may "cling" because they invested so much of themselves in the relationship that they can't completely detach.
Before you throw in the towel, please consider marriage counseling. Your husband may not understand how deeply his ongoing relationship with his ex hurts you. A neutral third party might be able to get through to him what you cannot.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Cross Country Driver Hopes for More Direction on Radio
DEAR ABBY: I have recently returned home from a 3,000-mile driving trip.
Why don't radio stations give their city of origin when they give their call letters/numbers? This would greatly help travelers who are driving through the area when it comes to traffic or weather problems. Sometimes a station will report a bad accident on the "outer belt" that drivers should avoid. But "outer belt" to what city? Am I approaching it, or is it behind me?
The same could be said about weather. The announcer may report a severe storm coming, but unless one knows what city is reporting, again, a traveler has no way of knowing if it's ahead or behind where he or she is driving.
Please help to get the word out regarding the safety value of this one-second addition to these broadcasts. Thank you on behalf of travelers everywhere. -- FRUSTRATED TRAVELER, MANSFIELD, OHIO
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your frustration is shared by many people who travel the highways. I say this because your letter is not the first I have received carrying the same message. I hope that radio weathercasters will give your suggestion the consideration it deserves, because if they do, it could prevent accidents and possibly even save some lives.
DEAR ABBY: I had my first child eight weeks ago -- a beautiful baby boy. I would like to let him stay with my parents; however, my mother refuses to clean her house. The place looks like it has been ransacked. There are piles of old newspapers, old magazines and old mail everywhere.
It's not uncommon to find dirty dishes and utensils under the couch and on the floor. There are TV tray tables stacked 6 to 10 inches high with papers.
Abby, my baby's safety comes first. I'm not germ-phobic, and I know a little dirt won't hurt. But all those rubber bands and paperclips left on the floor could hurt.
Mom acts offended that I won't allow my baby to be left at her home without me. My sister says I'm overreacting since her child "survived" all his visits. Am I being unreasonable? -- APPREHENSIVE
DEAR APPREHENSIVE: When I began reading your letter, I thought you might be. Then I reached the part about the dirty dishes, rubber bands and paperclips left on the floor and realized the place could be a health hazard not only to your baby, but also to your parents, who could trip on the debris and injure themselves. Have you considered volunteering to help your parents clean the house, or treating them to a cleaning service?
I'm pleased your sister's child has "survived" his visits to his grandparents'. However, to leave your child unattended there could be considered child endangerment, so I'm voting with you.
DEAR ABBY: This is the first time I have ever written to you, but I need you to help get the word out.
I was shocked to find out recently that people in their teens through their 40s do not know what a white cane means. Teachers should tell their children in class -- as we were taught -- that it means the person is blind or legally blind. -- H.M.L. IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR H.M.L.: I agree!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $6 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)