For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Sailor's Girlfriend Struggles to Set Course for the Future
DEAR ABBY: I'm so confused. I was seeing this guy, "Stan," for almost three years. Then he joined the Navy. Before he left, he told me not to wait for him, so we broke up.
Several months later, I began dating "Ollie." Things were getting serious, and I discovered I was pregnant. When I told Ollie about the baby, he dumped me.
Meanwhile, Stan came home on leave. He told me he loved me, and asked me to wait for him to finish his training, and then we would be together again. About a month later I suffered a miscarriage.
Not long after that, Ollie came to see me and I told him I had lost the baby. He told me he knew he had been wrong to leave me when he found out I was pregnant, and said he wanted us to get back together.
I am deeply in love with Stan, however, he's not here and Ollie is –- and frankly, I care for him, too. -- NEEDS AN ANSWER IN VIRGINIA
DEAR NEEDS: Ollie has demonstrated that when the chips are down and you needed him, he wasn't man enough to accept responsibility and support you. That is an example of his character. Do you want to face life's problems alone, or have a partner who will be there for you? Answer that question and you'll know which man to choose.
DEAR ABBY: My in-laws are giving me a hard time, and I need a second opinion. For the past four years, I have lived with a bad gall bladder. I finally had it removed last January.
I am now on a fairly strict diet of "do's and don'ts." Although we have explained this to my in-laws many times, they don't seem to get the message that I cannot eat "normal" food.
Would it be rude for me to bring my own food to family dinners, or should I just grin and bear it and sit there and not eat on these occasions? -- WANTS TO BE PROPER IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR WANTS TO BE PROPER: Your health must come first. Since you are on a restricted diet, and your in-laws seem unwilling or unable to accommodate you, by all means bring your own food.
DEAR ABBY: Does anyone know, or even care, how it feels to be a widow? With the exception of her children or other widows, I doubt it matters to very many others.
I have tried to be outgoing, staying attractive and accepting invitations. I really looked forward to the recent wedding of one of my relatives. However, at the reception it did not take long for the loneliness to set in as I watched the couples dance with each other and with guests at other tables. Throughout the entire evening, I hoped someone would ask me to dance. It never happened.
There's a song, "Put on a Happy Face." I'm very good at it when people hurt me. I wore mine all evening.
I have a message for those people having a good time dancing at wedding receptions: Please dance with widowed relatives and friends. It will save them trips to the ladies room to cry. -- HAPPY FACE IN S. DAKOTA
DEAR HAPPY FACE: My heart ached a little when I read your poignant letter. Thank you for reminding people to pay attention to the wallflowers.
Disapproval of Modern Morals Ignites a Family War of Words
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 55 years –- more than half a century. We come from a generation where living together and having children before marriage was unthinkable.
Our 21-year-old granddaughter, "Stella," and her boyfriend moved in together two years ago, in what they called a "trial marriage." Last month, Stella gave birth to a baby girl and sent my husband and me a birth announcement.
We mailed it back with a note telling Stella we are ashamed of their conduct and lack of morals. We also told them there's nothing to celebrate about this birth of an out-of-wedlock child.
Four days later, my daughter (Stella's mother) phoned us in a rage. She said things are different nowadays and we have no right to impose our "outdated moral values" on their daughter and her boyfriend. My daughter insists we owe them an apology. She says we are out of line. Your opinion, please. -- STANDING BY OUR CONVICTIONS IN ARIZONA
DEAR STANDING: Although you come from a generation that believes it is best for a child to be born into an established family, with parents who are committed to each other enough to follow through with the legalities, it's time to face the fact that a sizable number of younger people feel differently today.
Your moral values are not outdated, but you do owe the couple an apology for lashing out at them in anger. It was cruel to have returned the birth announcement and told your granddaughter that the birth of her daughter was nothing to celebrate. Simply not responding at all would have signaled your disapproval and been much kinder.
DEAR ABBY: I know that good Christians are supposed to practice forgiveness, but it's not always easy to do. My husband, "Carl," has been having an off-and-on affair with my brother's wife, "Joanne."
I found out when I accidentally caught them together. Carl begged me to forgive him. He said it was all a terrible mistake. We started marriage counseling, but all that came out of it was his confession that the affair had been going on for 15 years. When I confided it to my sister, she told me that Joanne had tried to seduce her husband, too.
Over the years, I had felt uneasy about Joanne flirting with my husband. I talked to them about it at one point, but they said I was being hormonal and it was only my imagination. I feel like a fool for believing them.
I offered Carl a divorce, but he insists that he loves me. He says he's sorry and he wants to stay with me. We've been married for 36 years, and have raised three boys and two girls together. We have seven grandchildren.
Carl and I are respected members of our community. We have been successful in our business and our church. Our neighbors would be scandalized if they knew about all this.
Carl is begging me to give him another chance, but how can I ever trust him again? -- DISILLUSIONED WIFE IN DELAWARE
DEAR DISILLUSIONED: You have everything to gain and nothing to lose if you give it a try. Although your hurt and distrust are understandable, it isn't too late to salvage your marriage if you are both willing to work at it. Take a fresh look at your lives, recommit yourselves to each other and promise to spend the rest of your days making each other happy. It may not be easy at first, but other couples have succeeded, and you can, too.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Adding Another Dog Is Bone of Contention in Happy Home
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Sam," and I have been together for 12 years, happily married for seven. We get along great, with only one area of major conflict.
I am a dog lover. Before we married, I owned three beautiful springer spaniels. Sam knew that dogs were one of my greatest joys in life. He also knew that living with indoor dogs was important to me, and that I'd like to have between three and eight of them.
We now have four indoor dogs. One of the dogs I had when I was single died two years ago, and my husband and I have adopted two. I'd love to get another one, but Sam says we have enough. He says the dogs cause wear and tear on our home, and are expensive to maintain, especially since one of them requires medication for a heart problem.
I have a home-based business and enjoy the companionship of our "babies" enormously. I am their sole caregiver, and although I may not be the greatest housekeeper, our home is presentable. All of our pets are obedience school graduates.
I have offered to compromise. I even suggested that we keep any new dogs outside, although that would break my heart. My offers have fallen on deaf ears.
Please don't think that Sam is jealous of the dogs. That's not the case. He simply doesn't love animals like I do. I'm starting to resent that I can't have another dog because animals mean so much to me. Please tell me what you think. -- JUST ONE MORE IN MARYLAND
DEAR JUST ONE MORE: Unless you want your marriage to end up in the doghouse, please reorganize your priorities. Since you feel the need to care for other dogs, consider donating some of your free time to an animal shelter. They would welcome you with open arms, and there would be peace in your household.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and in the seventh grade. I am labeled as "shy" and "quiet" by my teachers and a lot of the kids at school. But when I'm at home or with close friends, they know differently.
What can I say when teachers say, "Oh, you're so quiet. Why don't you say anything?"
Abby, please let teachers know that these remarks only make matters worse. My mom and some of my friends have had the same experience.
Is there a polite response when people ask me why I'm quiet? -- ON THE SPOT IN ALABAMA
DEAR ON THE SPOT: Try this: "I never learned anything while talking, but I have learned a lot while listening."
DEAR ABBY: When a ceremonial toast is proposed, what is the rule of etiquette for someone who does not drink alcoholic beverages and nothing else is available? -- SOBER ROSE IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
DEAR SOBER ROSE: There is no rule of etiquette that says you must drink. If no other beverage has been provided for you, raise the glass you have been given, say, "Hear, hear!" and put the glass down again.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)