For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MAN BECOMING A WOMAN SEEKS WAY TO TELL PARENTS AND KIDS
DEAR ABBY: I have a medical condition known as gender identity disorder -- more commonly called transsexualism. I have prayed every night ever since I was a young boy that God would turn me into a girl. During my teens and into adulthood, I learned to live with the constant pain of pretending to be a man when, really, all I wanted was to live my life as a woman. However, earlier this year I began the gradual process to transition from male to female.
After years of therapy for depression, ingesting dozens of different medications for a variety of misdiagnosed ailments, hospitalization for post-traumatic stress disorder, and daily thoughts of suicide, I made the decision to reveal my lifelong secret to my siblings, some friends and professional colleagues. Generally, the reaction has been supportive.
It is now time to tell my adult children and parents that I intend to live the rest of my life as a woman. How to tell them, and what to tell them, is causing me great distress. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. -- "LILY" IN THE VALLEY
DEAR "LILY": Tell them exactly what you have told me. Explain that this is not a whim, but the actualization of something you have felt since you were a child. Tell them that making this choice has been so difficult that it has cost you years of depression, ineffective medications, hospitalization and repeated thoughts of suicide.
Your parents and children are bound to be shocked, so be prepared for it. Answer their questions and concerns honestly. An excellent way to deal with this would be to have the discussion in the presence of your psychotherapist.
It would also be a good idea to have on hand some literature on the subject of transsexualism. One book that's recommended by the International Foundation for Gender Education (IFGE) is "True Selves" by Mildred L. Brown and Chloe Ann Rounsley. It can be ordered from the IFGE by calling (781) 899-2212. Or, visit the Web site at ifge.org. P-FLAG has a support group for parents of transgendered people, aptly called "TransParents." The Web address for P-FLAG is www.pflag.org.
DEAR ABBY: Veterans and their families might be interested to know about a new Web site: www.govbenefits.gov. It's government-sponsored, and organizes 500 federal and state benefit programs, targeting citizens into one single site. Veterans can log on, answer a few anonymous questions and find out which benefits they may be eligible to receive. It's also a helpful site for case workers, relatives or caregivers.
I answered the questions for my grandfather, a World War II veteran from 1941-'45, and discovered 21 benefit programs for which he might be eligible. -- KEITH NELSON, WASHINGTON, D.C.
DEAR KEITH: Bless you for sharing this information with my readers. Upon further investigation, I learned that www.govbenefits.gov was created by the U.S. Department of Labor, with contributions by 10 federal agencies and several states. (There is at least one benefit in every state.) Hosted by firstgov.gov, which just celebrated its fourth anniversary, the site also includes a Spanish language version: www.govbenefits.gov/es. Bravo!
EMERGENCY POLICE BANNERS GIVE DRIVERS PEACE OF MIND
DEAR ABBY: Every once in a while, you print ordering information for "Please Call Police" banners. I would like to purchase some to use as stocking stuffers this Christmas for my daughters and nieces, and also one for myself. I am single, disabled, and occasionally drive on the highways. Once I found myself stuck in the middle of nowhere. When I tried using my cell phone to summon help, I learned I was in a "no reception" area. It's tough being a woman alone these days. Having the banners in my glove compartment will give me peace of mind. Thanks, Abby. -- GERRI IN BUTTE, MONT.
DEAR GERRI: I'm pleased to reprint the information. The "Please Call Police" banners have proven time and again to be a genuine lifesaver in an emergency. Your orders will not only provide a safety measure for you and the people you love, but they'll also assist WCIL in providing much-needed services for individuals with disabilities. (I keep two banners in my glove compartment -- one for the windshield and one for the rear window.)
The banners can be ordered by writing to the Westside Center for Independent Living, a nonprofit organization that helps people with disabilities to live more independent lives. You will receive one banner for a $5 contribution, and another banner for each additional $4 contribution. (Please include $1 per order for postage and handling.)
To order, send a check or money order (U.S. funds only, please) to: WCIL Banners, P.O. Box 92501, Los Angeles, CA 90009. Allow four to eight weeks for delivery. For more information, visit the WCIL Web site at www.WCIL.org and click on the "Safety Banner" link.
DEAR ABBY: My ex, "Arnold," and I broke up two years ago, after he bit part of my ear off during an argument. I had been trying to help him, but that was the last straw. I finally had to end it.
I moved away and am using a mailing service, but Arnold won't stop harassing me. He had a stamp made with my name and mailing address on it, and he is sending me thousands of subscriptions. It has cost me more than $6,000 so far and the police are involved. This has been happening for 15 months.
How should I handle this? I'm afraid that changing my mailing address will damage my credit. -- WORRIED IN VAN NUYS, CALIF.
DEAR WORRIED: First of all, stop paying for subscriptions you didn't order. Call the U.S. Postal Inspection Service (the number in your area is listed in your telephone directory) and speak to a fraud agent. The Postal Inspection Service is the law enforcement branch of the U.S. Postal Service, and what your ex is doing could be considered fraud.
DEAR ABBY: I met this boy, "Austen," through a friend. He has decided he "likes" me. I made it clear that I didn't feel the same way, but agreed that we could be friends.
My problem is Austen calls constantly and keeps me on the phone for hours. I try to get him to leave me alone, but then I feel sorry for him because he doesn't have many friends. I have tried to tell him to call less often. It worked for a while, then he started up again. Austen is obnoxious and annoying, and I want him to leave me alone. How can I tell him this without hurting his feelings? -- HAD IT IN NEW MEXICO
DEAR HAD IT: Be direct. Tell Austen that his calls are no longer welcome and you want them stopped NOW. If he persists, repeat the message and get off the phone. He may be lonely, or he may be stalking you. If he refuses to "get the message" and continues to barrage you with calls, your parents may have to involve the police to put a stop to it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I read with concern the letter from "Sleeping Beauty's Mother-in-Law," whose son locks his 5-year-old daughter in her bedroom when he leaves for work so his wife can continue sleeping.
When I was a child, it was my job to lock my younger brother in his bedroom after he had eaten breakfast and before I left for school. I did it because my mother also wanted to continue to sleep.
Unbeknownst to me or my mother, my brother had found a cigarette lighter. He had it in his room one morning when I locked him in. To make a long story short, he started a fire in his room that resulted in his death. I have lived with the guilt of this tragedy for nearly 20 years, despite years of therapy.
The grandmother who wrote that letter has good reason to be concerned for the well-being of her grandchild. Please remind your readers that children are not a convenience. They require the supervision of responsible people who will care for them unselfishly. -- FLORIDA FAMILY THERAPIST
DEAR FLORIDA THERAPIST: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your little brother's death. It was not your fault. The responsibility was your mother's. You were only a child yourself, and obeying her orders.
If it's forgiveness you are looking for, I forgive you. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from that grandmother gave me chills. My daughter-in-law gave birth to two children, but had only one when she met my son. The other had been locked in his room while she slept. Somehow he got tangled in the cords on the blinds while he was playing and strangled. When she awoke, she found her son dead.
My daughter-in-law lives every day with the knowledge that her son died as a result of her negligence.
No child -- or adult, for that matter -- should be locked in a room. Without supervision, children often do things they're not allowed to do -- such as jump on the beds and perhaps bounce to the floor, hitting the corner of a piece of furniture on the way and getting injured. Just knowing you are locked in and unable to get out (trapped) can also be psychologically damaging. -- A READER IN ALASKA
DEAR READER: It goes without saying that a caregiver should be awake and capable of supervising the child. Anything less is child abuse.
Whether "Sleeping Beauty," the mother in the original letter, suffers from mental illness, depression or substance abuse, an intervention is called for. Because the parents seem oblivious to the danger, I advised the writer to notify Child Protective Services. While some readers felt this was drastic, it is better to take action and ensure the child's safety than to do nothing and regret it forever.
DEAR ABBY: If a woman proposes to a man, who should buy the ring? -- DEB IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR DEB: Call me old-fashioned, but if the man is a gentleman he should buy the ring. And if he refuses, the woman should enter into that marriage with her eyes wide open and no illusions about what her future will be.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)