To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I was recently at a youth sporting event. Later that evening, one of the coaches and several of the parents were sitting around the hotel pool talking. Some joking sexual comments were made. The coach told one of the other fathers that he had a picture of himself as a youth. He pulled it out of his wallet, and it was passed around the group. It was a picture of a 7- to 10-year-old boy, completely naked, that had been "altered" to exaggerate the size of the boy's you-know-what.
Not a single parent voiced any objection to this picture. The coach later handed the picture to me (after one of the other parents laughingly told him he should show it to me). When I expressed disgust ("I really don't appreciate you showing this picture ..."), the coach made me out to be the bad guy.
Do you think this picture is appropriate for a coach of adolescent boys to carry in his wallet and show to others? It struck me as child porn. -- AMAZED AND DISGUSTED DAD IN MICHIGAN
DEAR AMAZED AND DISGUSTED: The incident should be reported to the league authorities. For the coach to have shown the picture was a juvenile display of bad taste and poor judgment. For that reason I am not sure he is responsible enough to be supervising young boys.
DEAR ABBY: I have known "Edgar" for four years. At first, he'd see me twice a week, but only for sex. He stood me up a lot and was secretive about his life. I grew tired of it and started seeing other men. When Edgar found out, we had a big fight and broke up.
A week later, Edgar was back, begging to start over. He promised to change and even moved in with me for three months. Then he reverted back to his old ways. I was helping him to pay his bills because I earned more than he did. When I lost my job and could no longer help him, he pulled away from me.
I now have another well-paying job. Edgar is back once or twice a week, but on weekends he's gone again. He claims his 16-year-old son is visiting and his ex doesn't want me around. Yet he accuses me of cheating, which is not true. I let Edgar know where I am at all times. I just want to be happy and have a real relationship. Please tell me what to do. -- IN LOVE AND ALONE
DEAR IN LOVE AND ALONE: A man who had sincere feelings for you would not have disappeared the minute you were out of a job. It appears that Edgar will stay only if you pay. There's a word for it, and the word isn't "love." If you want a real relationship, you will lose this loser. It shouldn't be difficult. Tell Edgar you've been laid off, and I guarantee he'll vanish.
DEAR ABBY: Can you please tell me what "cemetery etiquette" is? -- PEARL IN MANTECA, CALIF.
DEAR PEARL: It is behaving with respect for the people who are buried there, and being sensitive to the feelings of visitors who might be mourning. It includes: speaking quietly, dressing conservatively, and refraining from littering, stepping on the graves or blocking cars in the funeral procession on their way to the grave site (or cutting in front of them). It also means the car stereo isn't blasting so loudly it will distract other visitors or wake the dead.
DEAR ABBY: "Brad" and I have been together for 12 years. We have two beautiful children under the age of 10, but Brad refuses to get involved with them.
He will play with the younger one maybe 20 minutes a week. The older one gets even less attention. Brad refuses to take them anywhere to play -- unless there is something in it for him. When they are with their dad, they are stuck in front of a television set or left to play by themselves. It's up to me to entertain the children, and that leaves me with little time alone.
I don't understand it. Brad had a happy childhood filled with lots of love, attention, family activities, etc. We both work full time and have a nice home. I have talked to him about this problem, but like everything else, if it's not important to him, it's not important. He also doesn't have time to help me with housework because he "needs" TV, computer and sleep time.
Thank you for any help you can provide. -- NEEDS INSIGHT IN NEW YORK
DEAR NEEDS: You have described a man who has turned selfishness into an art form. It appears your life partner received so much love and attention as a child that he never learned it was necessary to give to others. In a sense, he has never grown up. Your children have my sympathy, because they deserve better.
Brad is not likely to change, so it's time to look elsewhere for a father figure for your children. Is there an uncle, cousin or grandfather who could spend time with them -- take them to the movies, sporting events or show an interest?
You, too, have my sympathy because it appears you have not two, but three "children" on your hands.
DEAR ABBY: I went to wake up my 14-year-old daughter today and discovered her sleeping in the nude. Apparently she has been doing it for some time. Normally she is good about getting up, and I haven't needed to enter her room to waken her. When I asked her why she does it, she said it's more comfortable and she sleeps better.
When I told her I was not comfortable with it, she asked me why, and frankly I could not come up with a good reason other than it seemed "wrong," and fear about what would happen in an earthquake or fire. She questioned how it could be wrong if no one knows -- unless they walk into her room without knocking (as I did). She keeps a long robe next to the bed so she can put it on in case of emergency. (Indeed, she walks around the house in that robe, and I thought she had a nightgown underneath when in fact she has been naked underneath since Christmas.)
I am still not comfortable with it, but we agreed to abide by your advice. Is it OK for her to sleep in the nude, and why -- or why not? -- WORRIED MOM IN SAN LEANDRO
DEAR WORRIED MOM: There is nothing inherently wrong with sleeping in the nude. Many people do so because they sleep more comfortably that way. Look at the bright side -- it makes for smaller loads of laundry.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife Shows Husband the Door After Following Trail of Deceit
DEAR ABBY: Last week I kicked my husband out of the house. "Joel" and I have been married four years and have a 3-year-old son.
Two years ago, Joel took up with "Connie," a 20-year-old single co-worker. He insisted they were just friends. When I found love letters from Connie in his wallet, Joel swore the letters were not from her. (Oh, come on!)
Things got messy when I started checking my husband's cell phone bill and discovered he was calling Connie several times a day. Upon checking further, I learned that some of his co-workers also thought something was up.
When Joel learned I'd been asking questions, he became very angry. Then Connie started calling him at the house at all hours. Once, around midnight, she got into a tangle with some guy and instead of calling police, she called Joel -- who rushed right over.
Since then I have caught Joel in more lies about where he was going. I have also caught my husband and his "friend" parked in empty parking lots and dead-end streets.
He says he doesn't want a divorce, but every time we talk, we end up fighting because he tries to twist the facts around to make me look like a fishwife.
Should I wait it out to see if Joel will come home to his son and me? Or should I cut him off, divorce him, and pray that God will send me a man who will give me the respect and love I deserve? -- SPURNED WIFE IN TEXAS
DEAR SPURNED: Your husband appears to be a remorseless manipulator. Even if you reconcile, what kind of example would he be for your son as he grows older? And could you ever trust him again?
You have asked me to make a decision for you that only you should make. Counseling can help you to determine what you want and need to do. Some marriages can be saved, but only if both parties are willing to work at it, and your husband appears to be unwilling or unable to end his affair.
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with two daughters, 2 and 4. I love them with all my heart, but I'm afraid my yelling is affecting them. I can't control it, and when I do it, I frighten them. They cover their bodies and start to cry. I have never hit either of them.
This is causing huge fights with their father. He is very involved with them, and he sometimes yells but they don't react the same way.
I feel like a bad mother and monster. What can I do to stop myself from losing my temper and have a better relationship with my daughters? I'm afraid I'll hurt them. -- FEARFUL IN MINNESOTA
DEAR FEARFUL: The first thing you must do is get to the bottom of what's triggering your anger. Is this how you were treated as a child? If so, you should know firsthand how damaging verbal abuse can be. Are your expectations of your little ones unrealistic? If that's the case, parenting classes could be helpful. Many school districts and hospitals offer them.
In the meantime, when you feel you're about to blow your stack, leave the room. If necessary, go outside for a few minutes. Count to 10 -- slowly. Decompress. Get a grip. Once you have calmed down, you'll be better able to act in an adult and rational manner, rather than react.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)