For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband's Sexual Obsession Takes Toll on Wife's Health
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 13 years. During that time, my husband, "Newton," has had several affairs, but I forgave him and we managed to patch things up.
Around 1995, I noticed a change in Newton's sexual behavior. Porno magazines began arriving and charges showed up on our credit card for sexual sites on the Internet. I thought about leaving, but by then we had two daughters.
I recently went to visit my parents in another state for a weekend. It was the first time since our marriage that I went alone. While I was gone, Newton bought some kind of sexual-enhancer vitamins for women. We've always had an active sex life, and I didn't think I needed enhancers.
One morning I drove our girls to school, and when I returned home to do the breakfast dishes, I found "stuff" floating in the coffee pot. I confronted Newton. At first he denied it, but eventually he admitted that he had crushed two of the vitamins and put them in the coffee -- after conveniently getting himself a cup first.
I have lost 17 pounds since then without trying. My doctor can find nothing wrong with me. I now wonder what Newton will do next, but honestly, nothing would surprise me anymore. My world revolved around him. I love him, but I know I am no longer IN love with him.
Abby, I came from a broken home. I never wanted that for my children. Newton knows this, and I think he uses it to his advantage. I am only here because of our children and because I'm not sure I have the confidence to start over. -- TIRED OF PLAYING THE FOOL IN COLORADO
DEAR TIRED: For the sake of your health and sanity, it's time to separate and get some counseling. The coffee in your house isn't the only thing that's toxic. The alternative to finding the confidence to start over appears to be hiring a food taster.
It's a toss-up whether your husband is so hooked on pornography that he is out of touch with reality -- and therefore expects you to perform with the abandon of a porn star -- or whether he is totally without empathy for others. Either way, you and the girls will be safer away from him.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it is possible to lead a happy, fulfilled life if you never fall in love with someone and have a lasting relationship? I have a good job, own my own home, have many wonderful friends, and I know I should not feel empty because I don't have a relationship -- but I do. -- LONELY IN TEXAS
DEAR LONELY: Of course it's possible. But not if the person is preoccupied with what he or she "might" be missing. What comes to mind are people who dedicate their lives to animals, various causes, and those who enter religious orders.
Since you would like to have a relationship, it's time to expand your circle of friends and activities and go online to see if you can find someone compatible. But please bear in mind that there are worse things than being alone, and one of them is being married to the wrong person.
Revelation of Child Abuse Is Tearing Family Apart
DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Nick" for 14 years. We have a beautiful 10-year-old daughter, "Betsy." I recently learned that when Nick was between the ages of 15 and 19, he molested his younger sister. My husband is now 48 and swears that, during those years, he was a "messed up, suicidal" teen.
All this was recently revealed by the sister, who is now 42. She told her parents who, in turn, wrote an ugly letter to Nick. I opened it by mistake and, unfortunately, read it all. It shocked me to the core. I feel so sad for his sister.
Nick will be seeing a counselor to work through what happened 30 years ago and to try to put everything in perspective. I know he is not the monster his sister describes, and I know he would never hurt Betsy.
I wish I could just smooth everything over. How do I explain to Betsy that her grandparents will never visit again? Nick is considering moving out to distance himself and not hurt us anymore. I know I could speak to a counselor, but I don't have much faith in what one could offer besides being someone to vent to. -- LOST IN LAS VEGAS
DEAR LOST: Before trying to smooth anything over, make an appointment with a child psychologist and take your daughter. Your husband molested his sister not once, but for a long time. It's possible that he's also done something to Betsy, but she was so young and innocent she didn't recognize it for what it was.
In cases like this, what happened cannot be ignored. It might be better if your husband did move out for a while, because your daughter is about at the age her aunt was when the molestations began. And you, dear lady, should by all means schedule some sessions with a psychologist or psychiatrist who understands childhood sexual abuse. Counseling isn't just "venting"; it can also be listening to and learning from someone with insight, education and experience. Trust me.
DEAR ABBY: My brother, sister and I grew up abused and neglected by our parents. There was never any affection or love in our home.
Now that we are grown, we have all established our own families and have little to do with our parents. Because we never discussed our home lives with anyone but ourselves, to outsiders our parents appear to be wonderful people. In the eyes of friends and other relatives, we are now "shirking our duty" because we have "abandoned" our parents.
I live far enough away that I don't have to deal with this problem, but my siblings face frequent criticism. What should be the appropriate response to those who continually ask why we don't visit our parents? -- SAFELY AWAY IN DULUTH, GA.
DEAR SAFELY AWAY: Your brother and sister have my sympathy. Unless they want to give a blow-by-blow description of what their lives were like growing up, which I'd advise against, their best response would be, "This subject is painful for me and very personal. I'd appreciate it if you didn't mention it again." And then change the subject.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife's Weight Gain Leaves Husband With Heavy Heart
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jenny," and I married 12 years ago because she was pregnant. I knew she had been promiscuous as a teenager, but I thought I could cope with it. Now, after two children, I have second thoughts. When we married, Jenny weighed 115 pounds. (She's 5 foot 1.) Now, after two children, she weighs 170 pounds, and her clothes are size 16.
I am frustrated at the fact Jenny cares so little about her appearance. Yes, we all change, and I understand that. But I get furious when I think my wife gave up caring about her appearance when I put the ring on her finger. It looks like she got her man, so now she's complacent. I am insanely jealous because I feel like Jenny wanted to look good when she was chasing boys, but she doesn't care now.
Talking about it and counseling haven't helped. I know these are not healthy feelings, but they are in my heart. I'm thankful for my wife and kids, but I also feel cheated. Please don't tell me that weight gain is biological. There are plenty of thinner moms around. What can I do to help her see my point of view? -- TIED TO A HEAVY BALL AND CHAIN
DEAR TIED: If counseling hasn't helped, I'm not sure I can, but I'll try. Perhaps your wife's problem isn't complacency. Has it occurred to you that she could be feeling depressed, stressed and trapped? You describe your marriage as more of a shotgun wedding than a love match. She now has two children to raise, and a husband who resents the fact that she wasn't a virgin bride. On top of that, she has put on 55 pounds -- and losing that much weight is a daunting challenge.
If you really want your wife to get back in shape, my advice is to dwell less on what she's eating and more on what's eating HER. Stop harping on her past, which she can't change, and start talking about your future and the fact that you want her to be healthy and feeling good about herself. Tell her that you love her and keep repeating it. Find activities you can do together that will help her become more physically active and give you time to communicate with each other away from the children. Perhaps then she will be more receptive to making positive changes in her lifestyle.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a nursing home. Yesterday there was a note left that said a resident would be going out for dinner with his family, and to have him ready at 1 p.m. and expect him back at 7 p.m.
What would you consider dinner, Abby -- lunch or supper? Half the staff consider it the evening meal, the other half consider it the noon meal. We are ... CURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CURIOUS: Depending on the part of the country where you were raised, "dinner" can be either lunch or supper. Where I was raised, "dinner" meant the evening meal. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines dinner as "the principal meal of the day." "Supper," as defined by Webster's, is "the evening meal, or a light meal served late in the evening."
FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)