For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Wife's Weight Gain Leaves Husband With Heavy Heart
DEAR ABBY: My wife, "Jenny," and I married 12 years ago because she was pregnant. I knew she had been promiscuous as a teenager, but I thought I could cope with it. Now, after two children, I have second thoughts. When we married, Jenny weighed 115 pounds. (She's 5 foot 1.) Now, after two children, she weighs 170 pounds, and her clothes are size 16.
I am frustrated at the fact Jenny cares so little about her appearance. Yes, we all change, and I understand that. But I get furious when I think my wife gave up caring about her appearance when I put the ring on her finger. It looks like she got her man, so now she's complacent. I am insanely jealous because I feel like Jenny wanted to look good when she was chasing boys, but she doesn't care now.
Talking about it and counseling haven't helped. I know these are not healthy feelings, but they are in my heart. I'm thankful for my wife and kids, but I also feel cheated. Please don't tell me that weight gain is biological. There are plenty of thinner moms around. What can I do to help her see my point of view? -- TIED TO A HEAVY BALL AND CHAIN
DEAR TIED: If counseling hasn't helped, I'm not sure I can, but I'll try. Perhaps your wife's problem isn't complacency. Has it occurred to you that she could be feeling depressed, stressed and trapped? You describe your marriage as more of a shotgun wedding than a love match. She now has two children to raise, and a husband who resents the fact that she wasn't a virgin bride. On top of that, she has put on 55 pounds -- and losing that much weight is a daunting challenge.
If you really want your wife to get back in shape, my advice is to dwell less on what she's eating and more on what's eating HER. Stop harping on her past, which she can't change, and start talking about your future and the fact that you want her to be healthy and feeling good about herself. Tell her that you love her and keep repeating it. Find activities you can do together that will help her become more physically active and give you time to communicate with each other away from the children. Perhaps then she will be more receptive to making positive changes in her lifestyle.
DEAR ABBY: I work in a nursing home. Yesterday there was a note left that said a resident would be going out for dinner with his family, and to have him ready at 1 p.m. and expect him back at 7 p.m.
What would you consider dinner, Abby -- lunch or supper? Half the staff consider it the evening meal, the other half consider it the noon meal. We are ... CURIOUS IN PENNSYLVANIA
DEAR CURIOUS: Depending on the part of the country where you were raised, "dinner" can be either lunch or supper. Where I was raised, "dinner" meant the evening meal. My Webster's Collegiate Dictionary defines dinner as "the principal meal of the day." "Supper," as defined by Webster's, is "the evening meal, or a light meal served late in the evening."
FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:
The limerick packs laughs anatomical
Into space that is quite economical.
But the good ones I've seen,
So seldom are clean,
And the clean ones so seldom are comical!
DEAR ABBY: "Alex" and I have been together for almost eight years. We love each other and recently had our first baby. Our little family gets along great except for one thing. I'd like to be married, and Alex is dead-set against it. He says he wants to "be with" me forever, and his aversion to marriage has nothing to do with me.
I think it's important for our daughter to have a traditional family. I love Alex with all my heart, and I hate having to accept that we may never be married. I have dreamed about being married ever since I was a little girl.
Have you any ideas on how I can either cope with never being a bride or convince Alex to change his mind? -- IN AN "ALTAR"-CATION IN PHOENIX
DEAR IN: Counseling may help you to cope, but there are solid reasons why your boyfriend should change his mind. When children arrive, it's time to be practical. A marriage certificate is more than just a piece of paper. It entitles couples to certain legal protections such as the right of inheritance, the ability to hold title to community property, health insurance benefits, and when you are older, Social Security and pension benefits.
If something were to happen to Alex, with no marriage certificate, you would be left with nothing -- and that includes a voice in his medical treatment or even a claim to his body.
DEAR ABBY: My brother-in-law, "Charles," lives in his mother's basement. He has not held a job for more than 15 years and never leaves the house except for the rare occasion when he goes out to buy pizza. He does not date and hasn't for as long as I have known him. He has heard voices and has told all of us that he runs an oil company from the basement.
I have two children whom I do not want to be alone with Charles -- ever. I have expressed this to my husband, and it has gotten back to my sister-in-law, who insists Charles "wouldn't hurt a fly." Our children's pediatrician agrees with me. This has caused a rift in the family.
Should I hold my ground or give in to the majority? -- ANXIOUS MOTHER IN OHIO
DEAR ANXIOUS MOTHER: Charles appears to be mentally ill and delusional, and while he should be treated with kindness and respect, he does not appear to be responsible enough to baby-sit. Have any of you tried to get him professional help? Listen to the pediatrician and do not leave the children alone with this poor man. Better to be safe than sorry.
DEAR ABBY: Some people say a bride has a whole year to send out thank-you cards for gifts received. I say this is extremely rude. That rule may have been applied in the days of the Pony Express, when letters took longer to reach their destination than today. However, I don't think any bride should wait a year before mailing out her cards. I say they should be sent within three months of the wedding, preferably less. Do you agree? -- MANNERS-CONSCIOUS
DEAR MANNERS-CONSCIOUS: Not only do I agree, but so does Peggy Post, author of "Emily Post's Etiquette" (16th Edition). She writes: "Insofar as possible, thank-you notes for wedding presents should be written as soon as the gift is received. ... (I)f they are not sent before the wedding, they must be written as soon as the couple returns from the honeymoon. Even for a very large wedding, when the gifts are innumerable, all thank-you notes should be mailed within three months."
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Bride Covers Poor Planning With Show of Bad Manners
DEAR ABBY: I received a wedding invitation from "Lindy," the sister of my co-worker, "Lara." I don't know Lindy personally, but I assumed that Lara had asked her to invite my husband and me because we often socialize together.
When the invitation arrived, I immediately RSVP'd that we would attend. When I told Lara, she seemed pleased.
About three weeks before the wedding, Lindy called to say she had "inadvertently" sent me the invitation thinking I was someone else she knew. She said she had too many guests, and therefore I was being uninvited! I responded graciously, even though I felt humiliated. Lara never mentioned the subject to me.
By the way, other co-workers were invited. Now I feel stupid. Was this rude, or is this kind of thing no big deal? -- LEFT OUT IN LOUISVILLE
DEAR LEFT OUT: The bride overbooked her wedding, and the way she cut the guest list was brutal. Please don't blame Lara for her sister's bad manners, and don't waste time and energy holding a grudge. Since you don't know Lindy personally, it's unlikely your paths will cross again.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "George," and I have been married a year and are expecting a baby. I recently discovered that he has been viewing gay pornography every day for months on our home computer. I have tracked it using the history file, and finally confronted him.
George says it is just curiosity and that he is not gay or bisexual. He says he has never been with a man, nor would he want to. George did admit he has been viewing those sites for about three years.
This has left me feeling betrayed and questioning my husband's sexuality. How can a churchgoing, married man who's expecting a baby, who appears normal and heterosexual, be viewing gay pornography Web sites daily? -- TRUSTING IN TEXAS
DEAR TRUSTING: Because he finds them interesting and exciting and is getting something out of it. Bear in mind that being gay does not prevent a person from being religious, married, virile (or fertile), or "normal" in appearance. Your husband may be so deeply closeted that he hasn't even admitted to himself that he's gay. Your next move should be to insist that you and your husband consult a marriage counselor.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 11-year-old girl who wears glasses. I was wondering: When is a good age to get contact lenses? I realize that it is a responsibility, but how can I tell if I'm responsible enough? -- WISHING FOR CONTACTS IN NAPA, CALIF.
DEAR WISHING: That's something you and your parents should ask your eye doctor. I recently read that although doctors used to discourage children under the age of 12 from wearing contacts, the age barrier has recently been revised downward. If you are responsible about chores, school assignments and your grooming, I see no reason you wouldn't be responsible enough to handle contact lenses.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)