For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WIFE REGRETS IGNORING SIGNS THAT WARNED OF BAD MARRIAGE
DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, my husband let it slip that he wants a divorce. Since we were married, his personality has changed completely. He is not the man I married.
I would like to pass along some tips for anyone considering marriage, and share some of the bright-red flags I chose to ignore.
-- If your parents or siblings have doubts about him, pay attention. Listen and check it out.
-- If your intended has nothing good to say about his ex, beware. This is a pattern. Divorce is rarely only one person's fault.
-- If his children have nothing to do with him, do not believe him if he says his ex brainwashed them against him. My stepchildren have told me it was because they hated him, and they have good reasons.
-- Look closely at his credit and job history. They are sure predictors of what your life will be like.
-- If he's over 30 and has no money, do not let him move in with you, and don't marry him until he's financially solvent. If he has any respect for you (and himself), he'll insist on it.
-- Be sure in your heart that you can live with him AS IS. You cannot change another person.
-- This is a biggie: Beware if he has no friends. It is not true that they all chose to side with his ex.
-- If your friends dislike him, pay attention. This is also true if he hates your friends.
-- If he has more than one DUI and still drinks, run!
-- If he is one personality at work or with others, and another person alone with you, run.
-- If he has nothing to do with his parents, investigate why. Don't take his word for it.
-- If he's an expert at everything and brags a lot, understand that he will turn off a lot of people, eventually maybe even you.
-- If he has sexual problems, go with him to a doctor before you marry him. Believe me, his problem will become your problem.
-- If he is emotionally or verbally abusive, it will only get worse. Yelling, name-calling and glowering are classic signs of an abuser.
-- If he is never wrong and never apologizes, everything will be "your fault" forever. And after years of hearing it, you may even start to accept the blame.
-- If he does something wrong and says, "That wouldn't have happened if you hadn't ( )," that's another sign of an abuser.
-- And if he's mean to children, pets or animals, recognize that he's pathological, and the next victim could be you.
I am now 100 percent disabled and in danger of losing everything. I was taken in by someone who came to regard me as a disposable item. I only hope my letter will save someone else from the heartbreak I'm experiencing. -- EYES WIDE OPEN IN MISSISSIPPI
DEAR EYES WIDE OPEN: Your letter is brimming with well-thought-out advice, and I hope my readers will heed it. Now I have some advice for you: Start asking around for the name of the best divorce lawyer you can find, and be prepared for a fight. I wish you luck.
Husband Who Runs Around Must Stay Home and Commit
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and a new bride, and very much in love with my husband, "Dennis." We have a beautiful son together and another on the way.
Dennis never likes to stay home. He works until midnight, so he comes home from work and goes straight to sleep. When he wakes up, he calls my best girlfriend and has her come pick him up. Then he is usually out with her until he has to go back to work.
I know Dennis is staying faithful to me, but he never spends any time with me or our son. We live with his mother right now, and I'm always stuck with her. We really don't get along that well.
When I get mad about Dennis leaving, she tells me to "let him run, he's still young." She then proceeds to tell me that if I get angry about it, I'll lose him.
I have tried talking to my friend about this, but she tells me I should stop freaking out. I have no idea what to do now. His mother sticks up for Dennis and babies him. She tells me "everyone" thinks I'm getting angry for no reason. Do you agree? -- UNSURE IN MICHIGAN
DEAR UNSURE: No, I don't. Nor do I agree with Dennis' mother that your husband should spend all his free time with your "best friend" because he's "still young" and needs to run. His running days were supposed to be over the day he said "I do."
As it stands, your husband is acting like he's single. Putting the best face on it, regardless of whether there is a sexual affair going on between your girlfriend (some friend!) and your husband, there appears to be an emotional one. His first responsibility should be to you and the babies. You could both benefit from marriage counseling. If he won't agree to it, you must assure that your children are supported -- and that may involve talking to a lawyer.
DEAR ABBY: I am a certified operating-room nurse. Our surgeons have recently seen patients in their teens and 20s needing open heart surgery to replace a diseased valve.
Please warn your readers that tongue studs can lead to endocarditis, requiring surgery to replace damaged heart valves, as well as other health problems. Not only do these otherwise healthy young people have to endure this major surgery, but they also face having to take blood thinners for the rest of their lives or having their prosthetic valve replaced every 15 to 20 years.
We will see this documented in medical journals in a few years as the incidence rises, but we can save lives and prevent illness NOW by urging people to remove their tongue jewelry and let their tongues heal. The hole in the tongue provides a pathway for natural organisms in the mouth to find their way to the heart and the rest of the body with devastating results. Wearing tongue jewelry can endanger their health, their future, their very lives. -- KAREN MURPHY, R.N., MORTON PLANT HOSPITAL, FLA.
DEAR KAREN: Your letter raised eyebrows in my office, including my own, so I called the American Heart Association for more information. They referred me to Gerald Pohost, M.D., at the University of Southern California, who kindly shared the following with me: He agrees that for certain individuals, people with a medical history of rheumatic fever or rheumatic valve disease -- or ANY heart valve disease -- tongue jewelry could, indeed, be dangerous.
I hope my readers will pay attention to these two concerned health-care professionals. At the risk of sounding like an alarmist, it's better to be safe than sorry.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Paramedics Give Heart Attack Victims a Treatment Head Start
DEAR ABBY: My letter concerns a letter in your column. It was written by a woman who had suffered a heart attack and was driven to the hospital by her husband.
I have been a paramedic for 18 years. It is important your readers understand that attempting to drive yourself or a loved one to a hospital is a bad idea. The 911 emergency number was put in place to help the sick and injured in a timely manner. Most citizens are not aware of the capabilities of their local emergency medical services agencies.
Today, paramedics bring the emergency room to the patient's home. We are capable of treating chest pain and, in many cases, of diagnosing a heart attack in the patient's living room. This information is relayed directly to the emergency room, where a doctor can assemble a cardiac catheterization team to promptly treat the heart attack when the patient arrives. (Not every hospital can provide cardiac catheterization, so we offer the patient a choice to go directly to a properly equipped facility.) In addition, we administer medications immediately.
The biggest delay in receiving prompt care is delay in calling 911, due to denial. "Time is muscle" is our saying. The more time you waste, the more heart muscle is damaged. The average person driving someone to a hospital cannot treat the person, and also tends to speed and drive in an unsafe manner. Please inform your readers, Abby. -- PAUL TOSCINO, WATERVLIET, N.Y.
DEAR PAUL: Thank you for the valuable reminder that 911 is for life-threatening emergencies, and the expertise of the technicians can mean the difference between life and death.
DEAR ABBY: My 3-year-old daughter was recently invited to a birthday party for two of her classmates (twins). The party is scheduled for a weeknight from 6 to 8:30 p.m. -- the time I have set for bath time, story time and lights out at 8 p.m.
Would I be rude and insensitive if I do not permit my daughter to attend? I don't want to offend the mother, but I don't want to rev my child up with sugary party snacks and activities right before a late bedtime. -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: Rude and insensitive? No. Rigid? Yes. I'm willing to bet that the mother of the twins is a working woman, and the party would be earlier if it was possible. I see no harm in bending the rules or flexing your daughter's schedule once in a while. Of course, you will be going with your daughter to the party, so monitoring what she eats should be a cinch. Feeding your daughter a healthy meal before the party should ensure that she won't overdose on sugar. I say, let her go.
DEAR ABBY: When my 12-year-old daughter spends the night somewhere other than home, I don't sleep well. When she goes away to camp for a week, I hardly sleep at all. I am not up all night pacing the floor, worrying about her -- I just can't sleep.
My sister tells me that this is not normal. Am I abnormal for losing sleep when my daughter is away? -- SLEEPLESS NEAR SEATTLE
DEAR SLEEPLESS: No, you are not abnormal. You are a vigilant parent. Many parents cannot sleep unless they know their children are safe in their own beds and under their own roof.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)