To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Late Husband's Secret Comes Around to Haunt His Widow
DEAR ABBY: My beloved husband of 32 years, "Loren," passed away last year after a long illness. I took an extensive leave from work to be at his side.
Several weeks ago, after I returned from work, my doorbell rang. On my doorstep was a tall, well-mannered, 19-year-old young woman asking for a "few minutes of my time." (My children are ages 29 and 27.)
This young woman claims she is my husband's daughter, the product of an affair between him and her mother, whom he met at a local sporting event. Loren was very active in sports. He was a former physical education teacher and coach. She produced a photo of herself with Loren and her mother, taken on her fifth birthday -- and another with Loren and her mother, who was visibly pregnant.
I felt as though I'd been kicked in the stomach. She told me Loren had stayed in touch, paid child support in cash, and bought her gifts and clothing. His name, however, is not on her birth certificate. She has asked me for some "keepsakes" from Loren, and said he had promised to help her financially with college tuition.
Please tell me what to do. I haven't told anyone about this, not even my children. I'm too ashamed and shocked. -- HEARTSICK IN N.Y.
DEAR HEARTSICK: The first thing you should do is call your lawyer. For her to have hit you with this news the way she did was brutal. I wouldn't blame you if you made no further communication with her except through your lawyer, and let him (or her) be your guide.
DEAR ABBY: My brother, "Don," is 13. There is a 13-year age difference between us. Lately, Don has not been himself. He used to talk with me about his problems. Now he won't discuss anything more than the weather or everyday things. He used to be caring and happy. Now he's angry a lot, sometimes to the point that he hits himself in the face.
When I ask Don why he does this, he gets upset and says he doesn't care anymore. Mom and Dad work a lot. I know my little brother is not on drugs. I checked. Is this just part of being a teen? How can I help him? -- BROTHER IN ALABAMA
DEAR BROTHER: When someone becomes angry, the normal impulse is to strike out. For some reason your brother is directing his anger back on himself. Whatever is at the root of his anger and unhappiness, the quickest way to get him the help he needs is to tell your parents what you have observed. Hitting oneself in the face could be a sign of psychological problems that should be treated by a mental health professional.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend wets the bed every night. Don't tell me to have him see a doctor; he won't. He just says he can't help it. What is your advice? I can't take it anymore. -- CAN'T STAND IT IN N.J.
DEAR CAN'T STAND IT: It's sad that your boyfriend refuses to consult a urologist about his bed-wetting, because there are medications and devices that could solve the problem. He may simply be unaware that there is help for his problem. If he still refuses to see a doctor, there is nothing you or I can do, and because you can no longer tolerate it, it may be time to tell him goodbye.
Parents Have Hissy Fit When Baby Sitter Kills Pet Snake
DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl who baby-sits for extra money. I baby-sat for a new family last week. After I put the kids to bed, I found a snake in the house. I was scared for the kids, so I grabbed a kitchen knife and chopped off the snake's head.
When the parents returned, I found out it was their pet snake that had escaped from its cage, and they were really angry. I feel terrible about it. Although I apologized, they won't talk to me when they see me in the neighborhood.
Should I write them a letter of apology or buy them a new snake? I don't know what the proper etiquette is when you kill someone's pet. -- RATTLED IN TEXAS
DEAR RATTLED: You reacted to what you perceived as a danger. What is unfortunate is that the couple for whom you were baby-sitting were so careless they not only failed to tell you they had an exotic pet in the house, but also compounded it by leaving without making sure the creature was securely in its cage where it belonged. You do not "owe" the family a replacement. They owe you an apology.
DEAR ABBY: I was sexually harassed at the age of 7. I wasn't raped; I was just touched and used by my brother's friend.
I am now 13 and I'm very fond of one boy in particular. But ever since I was 7, I can't open up to guys. When I try, I get scared because I remember what happened to me.
I never told my parents what happened, because I never felt like I needed to. But now I'm getting older and I realize how wrong it was -- of him, I mean. I was so young I didn't understand what was happening.
I want some help, but I don't know where to go, so I've turned to you. Please help me, Abby. -- SCARRED 4 LIFE
DEAR YOUNG LADY: Please clip this letter, give it to your mother and tell her you wrote it. You were not harassed; you were MOLESTED. It is important that you talk about what happened with a professional, possibly one who specializes in post-traumatic stress, who can help you work it through. The sooner you start, the sooner you can begin to build healthy relationships with peers. I wish you the best of luck.
P.S. I regret that you didn't report the molestation to your parents when it occurred. Had you done so, you could have received help then, and guaranteed that the boy could not abuse another child.
DEAR ABBY: Do you think it is appropriate for a brother (age 21) and a sister (age 17) to share the same bed? The siblings each have a large, comfortable bed of their own, but frequently wind up sharing. This is very troubling to a dear friend of mine, who is their stepparent. It seems the biological parent is hesitant to discourage the behavior, and only reluctantly admits it might be inappropriate. -- JUST ASKING IN HOUSTON
DEAR JUST: I am mystified at the attitude of the biological parent, who appears to be ignoring a possibly incestuous relationship. Of course it's not appropriate. The "children" should have been sleeping apart since well before puberty.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
GIRL FINDS STEPDAD'S CAMERA IN A PLACE IT DOESN'T BELONG
DEAR ABBY: A few years ago, I noticed some porn in my mom and stepdad's room. I didn't mention it to anyone. Later, my older sister accused my stepdad of window-peeping, but no one believed her. Last summer, I noticed him outside my window when I woke up one morning. I didn't say anything because I didn't want to cause a problem.
I have never liked my stepdad. He is verbally abusive. You wouldn't believe what I hear every single day.
I share a bathroom with one of my sisters. Last year when it was remodeled, we noticed a gap between the floor and the basement. (We covered it with towels when we were in there.)
Last week, I noticed what looked like a piece of wood in the gap, so I decided to give it a closer look. It looked like the lens of a camera. When I took a flashlight into the basement and checked it out, I found a cable running through the room and got close enough to see it said "camera" on the back. It faced the toilet.
I don't know who to tell, or if I should. My sister deserves the right to know -- but who else would believe me? I'm just a stupid 14-year-old girl. If I tell my mom, she will kick my stepdad out, and I'll have to go and live with my dad. I'll have to change schools. I'll lose my boyfriend, my friends, my life. Mom could lose the house because my stepdad mainly brings in all the money.
I should have said something when I saw the porn. I feel like this is all my fault. If I don't say anything and it keeps on, it could get worse -- and I'd probably commit suicide from the stress. And what if my friends come over? Please help me -- this is so important. -- DESPERATE IN INDIANA
DEAR DESPERATE: You are not "stupid"; you are a very bright young lady. None of this is your fault. You and your sister are the victims in this nasty business. Your mother should have believed your sister when she complained about the peeping. That she did not is deplorable.
What I want you to do will take courage, but please do it anyway. If you follow my advice, people will have to believe you. Buy a disposable flash camera. Use it to take pictures of the gap in the floor of your bathroom. Then take it into the basement and photograph the camera and the cable. When the pictures are developed, make sure to get several sets of prints. Mail one set to your father. Show one set to your mother, and tell her what you have told me. If she does not protect you immediately, give the third set to a trusted teacher at your school.
Your stepfather is sick and does not belong in a house with young women. Ideally, the police should be notified. If he has been looking into your windows, the chances are that he has been peeping into other windows in the neighborhood. The problem with "Peeping Toms" is their behavior can escalate. That's why you should not remain silent any longer.
DEAR ABBY: I am in love with a wonderful man. He's everything I have been looking for, but he's married and waiting for his divorce to be final.
It has been nearly six months, and he says his wife is prolonging things. I love him and don't want to be without him. I don't understand what's taking so long. Should I trust that what he says is true? -- DESPERATE AND IN LOVE
DEAR D.A.I.L.: If you have to ask me that question, the answer is no.
What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)