What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Secret Stash of Love Letters Has Uncertain Future
DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns what to do with a group of snapshots and a bundle of about 100 old love letters that I've hidden for more than 50 years. If they are found after my death, my heirs will be shocked.
I have treasured these mementos in my heart since I received the first, before I was shipped overseas in World War II. The letters continued up to December 1947 -- and in '98 and '99 I received three more that were ultra-special. They are the sincerest of love letters from the girl in the photographs.
Family interference separated us, even as we were planning to be married. Of course, life went on. I met my wife and we were married a few years later, but I could never bring myself to destroy the letters or the photographs.
After half a century, I searched and found my first love. Then in 1999 we were able to locate our son, who was born and placed for adoption after we were separated. The three of us have spent some special time together. Even though we acknowledged that our love was and still is true, we agreed not to upset my marriage.
My wife knows all about this, and accepts my strong need to financially help my "other girl" have a comfortable lifestyle. I love my wife. She is and always will come first in my life. Yet those photos and letters are precious to me.
Genealogically, they are vital family memorabilia, and without anyone knowing, I have placed them with five generations of saved items. They represent an important part of my life with my first love. I cannot find the courage to let them go. Have I done wrong? -- IN LOVE WITH TWO EXCEPTIONAL WOMEN
DEAR IN LOVE: Not from my perspective. This is the 21st century -- not the 1940s. Perhaps it's time to let your children know about their half-brother. After all, this happened before you even met your wife.
An alternative would be to put the keepsakes in a safe deposit box and give one of the keys to your lawyer, with instructions to mail them to your love child after your death. I'm sure your son would treasure having evidence of the love through which he was conceived.
DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago, my husband's "Aunt Selma" lent us $2,000 on our first home. We set up a payment plan and paid her faithfully.
A year later, our first child was born with a heart condition. Aunt Selma came to us and demanded that instead of paying her, we put the money toward the enormous hospital bills. We tried to refuse, but she insisted.
There was never any paperwork, just words spoken out of love -- until recently. Now she wants us to pay back the rest of the money. After all this time, I don't feel that's fair. This is causing a lot of stress in our marriage, and I need some guidance. Please help. -- INDIGNANT IN INDIANA
DEAR INDIGNANT: When you ran into financial hardship because of your child, Aunt Selma tried to lessen your burden. Please don't repay her generosity by withholding her money. She may be asking for it because she needs it now. So reinstate the payment plan and give her what she's due -- and I don't mean just the money.
Wife Without Wanderlust Shouldn't Be Forced to Go
DEAR ABBY: I usually think your advice is pretty good, but your answer to "Homebody in Norfolk, Va.," who didn't want to travel with her husband, was way off. If she doesn't like to travel, she shouldn't be forced to just because that's what her husband wants. She has every right to live her life the way she wishes, and not be coerced to do something she doesn't like just because she's married.
Travel is not pleasurable to everyone. Flying is a big pain in the butt and can even be harmful to a person's health if he or she is susceptible to deep-vein thrombosis. Hotels are not like home. The beds are uncomfortable, and restaurant food for every meal can be fattening.
You should have recommended instead a session or two of counseling so both parties can get their feelings out in the presence of a neutral party. Maybe then the husband will be more accepting of his wife's preferences. -- M.M. IN KINGSTON, N.Y.
DEAR M.M.: Although I didn't intend to be, you are not the only reader who felt my reaction to "Homebody's" problem was harsh. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You are usually sensitive to problems and concerns, yet you assume that "Homebody" simply refuses to go. I sometimes become panicked just going on errands, out of town, etc. To go to faraway lands promotes whole new fears.
My advice would be for "Homebody" to explain to her husband why she doesn't want to go, and then reach a compromise. If he really wants to spend time with her, I'm sure he won't care where they go. Perhaps they could find a destination that both of them would be happy with.
It hurts to be paralyzed with fears and panic. It may not be hurting their marriage now, but without understanding, it could harm it later. -- STAYING PUT IN TEXAS
DEAR STAYING PUT: Although I am all for compromise, I suspect compromise might be difficult for someone who hungers to visit the game parks in Africa, ride a gondola on the canals in Venice or walk on the Great Wall of China. Since your problem is fears and panic, please read the next letter carefully:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a homebody. Now I am divorced. I went to very few restaurants, complained about traffic and crowds, attended no concerts or movies. After nine years of putting up with my phobia, my wife divorced me. I attempted to save our marriage by seeking help from my doctor. He prescribed medication that saved me from becoming a hermit.
Even though my marriage is over, I am doing much better. I now venture out and do things. Through counseling and proper medication I have become a better parent to my 13-year-old son. Please urge "Homebody" to consult her doctor. -- BOB IN INDIANA
DEAR BOB: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I'm glad to know that you received effective help for your problem and are doing better.
DEAR ABBY: I think "Homebody" was gracious to suggest that her husband go with a friend or family member. I love to travel and so does my husband, but sometimes we don't share the same enthusiasm for a destination. When that happens, we find other travel companions who share our interests and everyone has a good time. This summer my husband went to Greenland while I visited Italy. -- CARLA IN LIVERMORE, CALIF.
DEAR CARLA: Bon voyage!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
GIRL HARBORING SECRET CRUSH HESITATES TO SHARE FEELINGS
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Angela," has a boyfriend I'll call Robb. I have an insanely strong crush on him. I am 14, but I am very mature for my age and have unusually intense feelings. Seeing Robb with Angela every day is torture.
The school counselors suggested I immerse myself in something to get my mind off Robb -- sports, drama, my studies -- anything. I tried for months, but it hasn't worked. I can barely function because I'm so miserable and lovesick.
A few days ago, Angela told me she doesn't like Robb as a boyfriend as much as she used to and would really rather be good friends with him. But she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I want to tell her how I feel about him, but I can't bring myself to do it. What if she laughs at me or tells me he'd never like me? I might kill myself. Please help. I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain. -- LOVESICK IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOVESICK: Speak up! Angela gave you the perfect opening when she said she'd prefer to be good friends with Robb. Don't let your fear of what she "might" say keep you suffering in silence. The only thing worse than caring for someone who doesn't know you're alive is feeling trapped in a relationship with someone you no longer care for.
It's not necessary to tell Angela that you're so lovesick you can't function. Just let her know that if she wants to date others, you'll be happy to console Robb. Then cross your fingers and make yourself available if he wants a shoulder to cry on.
P.S. If he does, be sure to tell him jokingly what a foolish girl you think Angela is to let go of someone as special as he is. He'll think you are intelligent and insightful, and you'll be off and running!
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine recently wrote and self-published a book. It is comprised of anecdotes, poems and short essays. She asked if I liked it, and I (coward that I am) told her I liked a couple of the stories and thought the book was quite good. I lied. The book is horrible. I thought it was just me -- but when I shared it with a few others, they felt the same way.
Much of what she wrote reflects strong negativity about her job as a social worker, the people she's there to help, and the children she taught as a substitute teacher.
I want to tell her my true feelings, but everybody tells me to keep quiet. That may not be fair to her. She's starting another book, and I think she should know the truth. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings or insulting her? Her friendship means a lot to me. -- 'LIL WHITE LIE
DEAR 'LIL: Writing her thoughts and feelings may be your friend's mechanism for venting her frustrations, and it's a healthy one. I see nothing to be gained by discouraging her. Because you and your friends didn't care for her book doesn't mean no one will. Since her friendship means a lot to you, mum's the word.
DEAR ABBY: I say that the names used in your column in quotation marks are fictitious. My husband disagrees; he insists that the letters you print are exactly as written and the quotation marks don't mean a thing. Who is right? -- NEEDS TO KNOW, PAHOKEE, FLA.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: You are. I make it a practice to change the names that appear in the body of the letters that appear in my column. However, if a name is used in the signature, it's because the writer has given me express permission to do so.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)