To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Wife Without Wanderlust Shouldn't Be Forced to Go
DEAR ABBY: I usually think your advice is pretty good, but your answer to "Homebody in Norfolk, Va.," who didn't want to travel with her husband, was way off. If she doesn't like to travel, she shouldn't be forced to just because that's what her husband wants. She has every right to live her life the way she wishes, and not be coerced to do something she doesn't like just because she's married.
Travel is not pleasurable to everyone. Flying is a big pain in the butt and can even be harmful to a person's health if he or she is susceptible to deep-vein thrombosis. Hotels are not like home. The beds are uncomfortable, and restaurant food for every meal can be fattening.
You should have recommended instead a session or two of counseling so both parties can get their feelings out in the presence of a neutral party. Maybe then the husband will be more accepting of his wife's preferences. -- M.M. IN KINGSTON, N.Y.
DEAR M.M.: Although I didn't intend to be, you are not the only reader who felt my reaction to "Homebody's" problem was harsh. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: You are usually sensitive to problems and concerns, yet you assume that "Homebody" simply refuses to go. I sometimes become panicked just going on errands, out of town, etc. To go to faraway lands promotes whole new fears.
My advice would be for "Homebody" to explain to her husband why she doesn't want to go, and then reach a compromise. If he really wants to spend time with her, I'm sure he won't care where they go. Perhaps they could find a destination that both of them would be happy with.
It hurts to be paralyzed with fears and panic. It may not be hurting their marriage now, but without understanding, it could harm it later. -- STAYING PUT IN TEXAS
DEAR STAYING PUT: Although I am all for compromise, I suspect compromise might be difficult for someone who hungers to visit the game parks in Africa, ride a gondola on the canals in Venice or walk on the Great Wall of China. Since your problem is fears and panic, please read the next letter carefully:
DEAR ABBY: I, too, was a homebody. Now I am divorced. I went to very few restaurants, complained about traffic and crowds, attended no concerts or movies. After nine years of putting up with my phobia, my wife divorced me. I attempted to save our marriage by seeking help from my doctor. He prescribed medication that saved me from becoming a hermit.
Even though my marriage is over, I am doing much better. I now venture out and do things. Through counseling and proper medication I have become a better parent to my 13-year-old son. Please urge "Homebody" to consult her doctor. -- BOB IN INDIANA
DEAR BOB: Thank you for sharing your personal experience. I'm glad to know that you received effective help for your problem and are doing better.
DEAR ABBY: I think "Homebody" was gracious to suggest that her husband go with a friend or family member. I love to travel and so does my husband, but sometimes we don't share the same enthusiasm for a destination. When that happens, we find other travel companions who share our interests and everyone has a good time. This summer my husband went to Greenland while I visited Italy. -- CARLA IN LIVERMORE, CALIF.
DEAR CARLA: Bon voyage!
GIRL HARBORING SECRET CRUSH HESITATES TO SHARE FEELINGS
DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Angela," has a boyfriend I'll call Robb. I have an insanely strong crush on him. I am 14, but I am very mature for my age and have unusually intense feelings. Seeing Robb with Angela every day is torture.
The school counselors suggested I immerse myself in something to get my mind off Robb -- sports, drama, my studies -- anything. I tried for months, but it hasn't worked. I can barely function because I'm so miserable and lovesick.
A few days ago, Angela told me she doesn't like Robb as a boyfriend as much as she used to and would really rather be good friends with him. But she doesn't want to hurt his feelings. I want to tell her how I feel about him, but I can't bring myself to do it. What if she laughs at me or tells me he'd never like me? I might kill myself. Please help. I don't know how much longer I can live with this pain. -- LOVESICK IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LOVESICK: Speak up! Angela gave you the perfect opening when she said she'd prefer to be good friends with Robb. Don't let your fear of what she "might" say keep you suffering in silence. The only thing worse than caring for someone who doesn't know you're alive is feeling trapped in a relationship with someone you no longer care for.
It's not necessary to tell Angela that you're so lovesick you can't function. Just let her know that if she wants to date others, you'll be happy to console Robb. Then cross your fingers and make yourself available if he wants a shoulder to cry on.
P.S. If he does, be sure to tell him jokingly what a foolish girl you think Angela is to let go of someone as special as he is. He'll think you are intelligent and insightful, and you'll be off and running!
DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine recently wrote and self-published a book. It is comprised of anecdotes, poems and short essays. She asked if I liked it, and I (coward that I am) told her I liked a couple of the stories and thought the book was quite good. I lied. The book is horrible. I thought it was just me -- but when I shared it with a few others, they felt the same way.
Much of what she wrote reflects strong negativity about her job as a social worker, the people she's there to help, and the children she taught as a substitute teacher.
I want to tell her my true feelings, but everybody tells me to keep quiet. That may not be fair to her. She's starting another book, and I think she should know the truth. How can I tell her without hurting her feelings or insulting her? Her friendship means a lot to me. -- 'LIL WHITE LIE
DEAR 'LIL: Writing her thoughts and feelings may be your friend's mechanism for venting her frustrations, and it's a healthy one. I see nothing to be gained by discouraging her. Because you and your friends didn't care for her book doesn't mean no one will. Since her friendship means a lot to you, mum's the word.
DEAR ABBY: I say that the names used in your column in quotation marks are fictitious. My husband disagrees; he insists that the letters you print are exactly as written and the quotation marks don't mean a thing. Who is right? -- NEEDS TO KNOW, PAHOKEE, FLA.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: You are. I make it a practice to change the names that appear in the body of the letters that appear in my column. However, if a name is used in the signature, it's because the writer has given me express permission to do so.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing about the letter you printed from "Fed Up in Richmond, Texas," whose husband's idea of an evening out or a day off is getting drunk. I hope she takes your advice to go to Al-Anon.
I fell in love and married a man who exhibited similar drinking behavior. It became worse during the 20 years we were together. I was verbally abused, humiliated and, at the end, feared for my safety as well as the children's.
I was very naive. He convinced me that I was crazy, threatened my family and threatened to take off with the children if I left. At age 40, I finally found the courage and strength to do it.
It took lots of counseling, but I now understand that I was caught up in his sickness. I regret that I wasted my youth on this man. I hope "Fed Up" opens her eyes and won't be caught up like I was in what domestic violence counselors call "the honeymoon cycle." That's where you bring his behavior to his attention, he promises he'll change, it's a great month or so -- and then he starts drinking again. I look back over those years and see a bad movie filled with heartache for me and my children.
It wasn't easy, but it has been worth it. I am now treated with the love and respect I deserve. My children and I are happier than we've ever been. I'm a stronger person now, and we're blessed with a wonderful man who saw us through outrageous court battles, restraining orders, stalking and intimidation tactics.
"Fed Up" deserves love and respect, too. But she and her child won't get it from her spouse if she doesn't DEMAND it. I wish her strength, courage and no regrets. -- REBORN IN PORTLAND, ORE.
DEAR REBORN: I, too, hope that "Fed Up" will take your letter to heart and find help before her husband's problem escalates to the point that your husband's did. Addiction problems cannot be ignored. If the problem isn't addressed, it doesn't "level off"; it grows worse until the addiction takes over the lives of everyone around the addict. I'm pleased that you finally found the strength to free yourself and your children. Thank you for writing.
DEAR ABBY: I'm 14 and my name is "Pearl." I just found out that I might have chlamydia. I really like this guy and I need to know if I should tell him. What should I do? I am a little scared. Please answer soon. -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN LANCASTER, CALIF.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: You should be examined by a doctor right away. If you do indeed have chlamydia, your partner must be notified so he can also be treated.
Ask your mother to schedule an appointment for you. If you cannot talk to her about this, then call the county health department and ask for the location of the nearest clinic where you can be treated confidentially. DO NOT PUT IT OFF. If you have chlamydia and aren't treated, it could cause fertility problems for you in the future.
Since you are sexually active, it is important that you learn to protect yourself against an unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases so that you are not reinfected or infect others.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)