For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
PREGNANT TEEN IS TERRIFIED BY HUSBAND'S THREATS TO KILL
DEAR ABBY: I am 19 and pregnant with my first child. The father, whom I married, turned out to be far different from the person I thought he was when I met him. I left him when I was around four months along because he was starving me and wouldn't let me leave the house.
Since then, he has been arrested for possession of child pornography, and I have discovered that he is a satanist. I am terrified of him. I know I'm lucky to be alive and not to have lost the baby, which I almost did.
I am filing for divorce, but I have no idea how to keep this monster away from my baby. He has threatened to kill me and take the baby if I don't go back to him. He follows me around and sits outside my home late at night. I have applied for a lawyer, but I have no job and no money.
Are there any organizations that can help someone in my position? How do I get my husband to quit threatening me and leave me alone? -- SCARED IN TEXAS
DEAR SCARED: The first thing you should do is file a police report stating, for the record, that you are being stalked and threatened. Since your husband has already been arrested for child pornography, it could be only a matter of time until he is convicted and sent away. In the meantime, call the Domestic Violence Hotline: (800) 799-7233. If necessary, the people there can help you find shelter to keep you and your baby safe.
DEAR ABBY: An outside vendor came to the place where I worked and made lewd comments to me.
When I learned that he would be the person training me on the new software I'd be using for the promotion I had just received -- my second promotion in two years -- I reported the incident to my immediate supervisor. Within four working days, I was demoted, publicly humiliated, and felt forced to turn in my resignation.
I had signed a sexual harassment agreement with my bosses that I would report any incident to them. Should I have kept my mouth shut? Do I have any recourse? -- HUMILIATED IN BIRMINGHAM, ALA.
DEAR HUMILIATED: The vendor's actions were out of line, and you were right to report him. If I were you, I'd discuss what happened with an attorney who specializes in labor law -- preferably a female.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and live in a small town. I need to know something: Is boredom normal? I got up one morning and realized how bored I am. I don't mean bored with nothing to do. I am bored with myself and my daily routine.
I'm not especially sad, just bored with life itself -- the people I see every day, the town I live in, the way I look, my boyfriend, my room, going to school -- "same old, same old."
I want this feeling to go away. What can I do? -- RESTLESS TEEN IN MARYLAND
DEAR RESTLESS: Talk to your parents about involving yourself in a new activity, preferably one where you will meet new people. Visit the library and ask the librarian to suggest some books to expand your range of interests.
Everyone feels the way you do at one time or another. The solution is to dwell less on yourself and more on the needs of other people.
Longtime Client Wants to Pull the Plug on Hairdresser's TV
DEAR ABBY: "Mr. Eugene" has been my hairdresser for nearly 20 years. We have seen each other through divorces, deaths, recovery from alcoholism (me), and life struggles in general. Mr. Eugene used to be a great hairdresser. The problem began when he installed a little television set at his station. He keeps it on all the time and watches it almost constantly. He watches it while cutting my hair, pausing every so often to pay closer attention to what's on TV.
The quality of my haircuts has started to decline, and along with it, our client/hairdresser relationship. I'm about ready to change hairdressers because I can't find the nerve to reach over and turn the darn thing off or tell him how annoying it is, and how much better a hairdresser he is when he pays full attention to what he's doing.
Please print this so Mr. Eugene will read it and give his clients the attention we deserve. -- SPINELESS IN LEXINGTON, KY.
DEAR SPINELESS: Mr. Eugene is only a hairdresser. He is not a mind reader. Since you haven't voiced an objection to his cutting and styling your hair with one eye on the boob-tube, how can he be expected to know you have a problem with it?
Try this: Rather than criticize him, tell him that you would prefer that he leave the TV set off while working on you, because you miss the quality time you used to spend together. You might be surprised to find that he takes it as a compliment.
DEAR ABBY: I became engaged last Christmas. I have been planning my wedding with the help of my mother and my fiance's mother. I love them both, and they are helping to pay for my big day.
My problem is that every time I disagree with them, they call me "Bridezilla." I don't think I'm too demanding or hard to please. I just have ideas, tastes and expectations that may be different from my two mothers'.
This horrible stereotype is ruining the planning. I become devastated when they refer to me in that way, and end up giving in so I don't seem to be unreasonable.
Please help me. I am ending up with a wedding that isn't what I want. What should I do? -- NOT BRIDEZILLA IN L.A.
DEAR NOT BRIDEZILLA: It is wrong of your mother and your fiance's mother to call you names. However, since they are helping to fund the wedding, you can't blame them for wanting a meaningful voice in the planning. If you feel your dream wedding has been hijacked, then you should politely draw the line and finance it yourself.
DEAR ABBY: I am in a live-in relationship with a man I'll call Howard. Last year, I began quietly seeing "Adam." Howard found out about the affair a few months later, but didn't want us to break up.
I decided to stay with Howard even though I am in love with Adam, because I can't support myself on my own. After that, Adam decided it would be best if we stopped seeing each other. I know he's right, but I'd really like to talk to him. Right now, I'm agonizing over whether to call him.
When I ask my family or friends for advice, they say I should move on and get over Adam, because I'm only 21 and have my whole life ahead of me. The truth is, I can't let go so easily. It has been about four months since we last spoke. Should I call Adam, and if I do, what should I say? -- CLUELESS IN VEGAS
DEAR CLUELESS: Listen to your family and friends; they have your best interests at heart. In the meantime, I strongly recommend that you take a breather before going another round with anyone. Do not call Adam until you have left Howard and become self-supporting. That way, he will know you are not after him for a meal ticket, too.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Man's Collecting Bug Could Be Symptom of Mental Illness
DEAR ABBY: "Living Like a Hermit in California" complained about her husband's unusual collecting behavior. "He owns 24 cars," she wrote. "None of them run; they just sit and rot. He buys old airplanes although he doesn't know how to fly and they, too, sit rusting away. He also collects cardboard boxes and anything in bulk." You suggested she contact a lawyer and get her husband a psychiatric evaluation.
His hoarding sounds like obsessive-compulsive disorder to me. I have depression and, during my worst times, I have voraciously collected metal washers. I found it soothing to have something to concentrate on besides my problems. The quality of my collection was a substitute for real accomplishment.
The fact that "Living's" husband is also withdrawn leads me to suspect that he has depression, OCD or a similar psychiatric problem. I got help for mine, and I feel much better. Her husband might never be normal, but a good place to start would be sympathy, patience and a caring doctor. -- OHIO HOARDER
DEAR OHIO: I advised "Living Like a Hermit in California" to consult a lawyer because she said her husband had moved them out of a house into a trailer and had spent all their assets on his "hobby." I agree that he may be mentally ill. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Living Like a Hermit" had a familiar ring. My neighbor exhibited similar behavior and was diagnosed with manic depression. When she was up, she collected; when she was down she withdrew from the world. Roger may be more than "eccentric"; he may suffer from a mental illness. -- BEEN THERE IN TAMPA, FLA.
DEAR BEEN THERE: That may be true, but I am not qualified to diagnose him.
DEAR ABBY: Tell that woman to get off her duff, learn more about her husband's collection and then get on eBay! There are people rebuilding old cars who have to order custom parts when none are available. And in California, the movie business is always looking for props.
One studio rented my former father-in-law's car while shooting a movie about the Kennedy assassination in Dallas. They asked for permission to paint the car black. He said, "Sure, as long as you paint it white again before you return it." And they did! -- NANCY IN HOUSTON
DEAR NANCY: I love your idea about turning her husband's "compulsion" into an income stream. They could use the money.
DEAR ABBY: "Living's" husband appears to have OCD. One of the manifestations of OCD can be saving things for the sake of saving them. And the tendency to avoid talking may possibly be a symptom of an autism spectrum disorder. These two disorders can coexist. I should know, as they run in our family.
There are therapies and medications that can help him. Please urge "Living" to educate herself about these disorders and try to get her husband evaluated. -- NANETTE IN HAWTHORNE, N.J.
DEAR NANETTE: Thank you for suggesting it. An excellent place to start would be NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill, a grassroots, self-help organization that focuses on education, advocacy, research and support for people with mental illness and their families. Its Web site is: www.nami.org.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)