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MAN'S EX WON'T FADE AWAY SO HE CAN FOCUS ON FUTURE
DEAR ABBY: I am in an uncomfortable spot. I met a great woman last month and have developed feelings for her. I'll call her Carmen.
Every time I try to focus my energy into starting this relationship, my ex, "Rita," pops back into the picture. Most recently, she was calling about a cell phone we had when we were together.
Carmen is aware that I got out of a 5 1/2-year relationship six months ago, but every time Rita does something to upset me, Carmen tells me she thinks I am not over Rita. Abby, I feel the relationship with my ex is over. I sincerely want to explore things with Carmen.
I have talked to Rita a few times to get everything squared away so there will be no more reasons for further contact, but something else always keeps coming up. I don't want Carmen to be scared off. What should I do? -- READY TO MOVE ON IN DULUTH
DEAR READY: If you allow it, Rita will always find an excuse to maintain contact. It is time to put your past firmly behind you and move on. This means making a clean break with Rita. Tell her that communicating with her is causing problems for you, so you won't be doing it anymore. Then keep your word -- no phone calls, no e-mails, no visits.
DEAR ABBY: In the past, survivors drawing Dependency and Indemnity Compensation (DIC) from the Department of Veterans Affairs because their spouse died from a service-connected cause, lost this benefit if they remarried.
Effective Dec. 16, 2003, qualifying spouses who remarry after age 57 retain the DIC benefit. Those who remarried after age 57 but before the new law took effect can have their DIC benefit restored -- but only if they apply for DIC reinstatment by Dec. 15, 2004.
To apply, these surviving spouses should submit a written request for restoration of DIC along with a statement of dependence (VA form 21-686c). The form is available on the Web at www.vba.va.gov/pubs/forms/21-686c.pdf. Applications should be mailed to the nearest regional VA office. To find the nearest office, go to www.va.gov and click on Facility Locator. -- VICE ADM. NORBERT R. RYAN JR., USN (RET.), MILITARY OFFICERS ASSOCIATION OF AMERICA
DEAR ADM. RYAN: Thanks for this important alert, which could mean a significant amount of money -- $967 or more a month -- for some people who could really use it. So, readers, if you know any widows or widowers who lost their spouse because of a service-related cause, and who might have missed reading today's column, please be an angel and call this to his or her attention. If the VA receives the application later than Dec. 15, restoration of DIC benefits must be denied.
This one-year application period does NOT apply to other surviving spouses whose remarriage on or after reaching age 57 followed enactment of the law.
For more information, call: (800) 827-1000 or visit the nearest VA regional office, the location of which can be found in the blue pages of local telephone directories. People with hearing impairment should call: (800) 829-4833 using their TDD device.
Time is growing short, so don't procrastinate.
DEAR ABBY: I am one of your older readers -- age 90 -- but I don't look a day over 70. I recently told my sister that I wear hip-huggers, and she asked me if I'm going senile. She thinks it's awful. I say hip-huggers are comfortable in the summer heat. What is your opinion? -- "HIP" IN CASSELBERRY, FLA.
DEAR "HIP": I know women 30 years younger than you who are reluctant to bear their midriffs because their skin is no longer taut. However, since you are comfortable wearing hip-huggers, the choice should be yours and your sister should refrain from making any more catty comments. (Could she be jealous?)
Those Left Behind by Suicide Find Many Paths to Recovery
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning the letter from the 15-year-old girl, "Needs Closure in Georgia," whose grandfather committed suicide. You suggested she write a letter to him, and then to burn it.
Another useful technique is to sit opposite an empty chair and speak your heart to the person you need to communicate with. I wasn't getting on with my life after my husband died, and it worked for me. -- DOING BETTER IN MILLBRAE, CALIF.
DEAR DOING BETTER: Thank you for the helpful suggestion. Many readers were touched by that girl's letter and wanted to reach out to her. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my grandmother died, my father and his wife planted a small rose garden. Over the years, as we have lost family members (including pets), additional rose bushes have been added in their honor. It is peaceful and comforting to sit among the blooming roses and think of our loved ones. It feels like they haven't really left us. -- REMEMBERING IN ARIZONA
DEAR REMEMBERING: I believe you. After Cary Grant passed away, his widow, Barbara, gave my mother a rose bush that had been named for her husband. Mama, who had been very fond of both of them, planted it outside her office window -- and when the roses were in bloom, it gave her many hours of pleasure.
DEAR ABBY: I found "The Grief Recovery Handbook," by John W. James and Russell Friedman, to be extremely helpful. My grandfather committed suicide more than 25 years ago, when I was in seventh grade, and my parents didn't want us to tell anyone what happened, which didn't help at all.
Perhaps "Needs Closure" could organize a memorial service with a local church, depending on what is going to be done with his ashes. If that's not possible, she should reach out to other family members and grieve with them. I hope they do not feel embarrassed about the suicide. -- LOYAL READER IN SAIPAN
DEAR LOYAL READER: One thing is certain: She should not suffer alone and in silence.
DEAR ABBY: While "Needs Closure" feels that her grandfather's cremation is the reason she has had a difficult time letting go. I suspect it is the manner in which he died. Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, often violent. That girl is now a survivor of suicide. One does not "get over" a suicide. The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt.
I speak from experience. Five years ago, my beautiful little sister committed suicide at 19. I have read many books for suicide survivors and belong to an online support group for sibling survivors. One great resource for her could be SOLOS -- Survivors of Loved Ones' Suicides. The Web site is www.solos.org. She can also write to the group for information at P.O. Box 592, Dumfries, VA 22026-0592. -- STILL GRIEVING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss, as well as my gratitude for suggesting this resource.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on the money. I was away when my best friend dropped dead of a heart attack. Since I had no chance to say goodbye, I wrote him a letter telling him what his friendship had meant to me. At first, I planned to "send it" to him by burning it in the fireplace. But it is now 2004, and I still write letters to him. What started as a way to bring closure became the beginning of a wonderful journal. -- J. IN OCEANSIDE, ORE.
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BOYFRIEND'S LUNCHTIME ARDOR IS NOT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ron," and I have been together for six years and have lived together for two. We are planning to be married.
I work close to home and sometimes Ron meets me for lunch nearby. When he drops me off, he insists on kissing me in the car in front of the building, a long, lingering tongue kiss. I think it is inappropriate, because my bosses and co-workers have windows right there, and there are often clients outside.
When I try to pull away, or explain why it makes me uncomfortable, Ron gets upset and says I must be ashamed of him or something. That's not true! I would simply rather keep such displays of affection confined to our house, or at least away from my workplace. Am I wrong? -- EMBARRASSED IN BOSTON
DEAR EMBARRASSED: You are right to be embarrassed. What your boyfriend is doing isn't showing affection; it is displaying the extent of his insecurity. By kissing you in such an inappropriate way, he is trying to show others the control he has over you. To insist on doing it after you have told him it makes you uncomfortable is insensitive, immature and disrespectful of your feelings. Please consider putting marriage on "hold" until your boyfriend grows up, which may be never.
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and the father of two girls, ages 6 and 5. I am actively involved in their lives. My ex-wife, "Erin," is a teacher, so I pick the kids up from school and watch them until dinner every night.
Erin and I separated in 2001. She started dating the following July, and by August, my 6-year-old told me that Mom's "friend from high school" was sleeping in her bed and taking showers in the morning.
I was furious. I told Erin that what she did when I had the kids was her business. But when the kids were with her, her boyfriend should not spend the night. She told me her bedroom was no longer any of my business. The sleepovers continued, and in November, Erin informed me that her boyfriend had officially moved in. She claims that this is a loving and committed relationship -- but they have broken up twice that I know of in the past six months.
I am legally powerless to fight this, but I think that in addition to being confusing and unsettling for our daughters, Erin is setting a bad example.
What is your opinion, Abby? Do you feel (as Erin maintains steadfastly) that she is doing "nothing wrong"? -- LEGALLY POWERLESS IN NEW YORK
DEAR POWERLESS: No, I do not. Your ex-wife is setting a bad example and sending a poor message to her impressionable daughters. When the girls are older, Erin may come to regret her stance on this. Although you are legally powerless in this situation, I hope that you will continue to be a stabilizing influence in your daughters' lives, because it appears they are going to need one.
DEAR ABBY: I am married, with a 12-year-old daughter. We share a three-bedroom apartment with a lady who is a friend of the family. She is always doing dishes, even though I have repeatedly requested that she not do so.
When she does the dishes, more than half of them are still dirty. What should I do about this? Continue to rewash them? It seems like a waste of effort and water. -- FRUSTRATED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Try this: Assign another chore to this well-intentioned but vision-challenged lady. That way she will feel like she's doing something useful -- and you won't have to worry about sanitation.
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