For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Those Left Behind by Suicide Find Many Paths to Recovery
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing concerning the letter from the 15-year-old girl, "Needs Closure in Georgia," whose grandfather committed suicide. You suggested she write a letter to him, and then to burn it.
Another useful technique is to sit opposite an empty chair and speak your heart to the person you need to communicate with. I wasn't getting on with my life after my husband died, and it worked for me. -- DOING BETTER IN MILLBRAE, CALIF.
DEAR DOING BETTER: Thank you for the helpful suggestion. Many readers were touched by that girl's letter and wanted to reach out to her. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: When my grandmother died, my father and his wife planted a small rose garden. Over the years, as we have lost family members (including pets), additional rose bushes have been added in their honor. It is peaceful and comforting to sit among the blooming roses and think of our loved ones. It feels like they haven't really left us. -- REMEMBERING IN ARIZONA
DEAR REMEMBERING: I believe you. After Cary Grant passed away, his widow, Barbara, gave my mother a rose bush that had been named for her husband. Mama, who had been very fond of both of them, planted it outside her office window -- and when the roses were in bloom, it gave her many hours of pleasure.
DEAR ABBY: I found "The Grief Recovery Handbook," by John W. James and Russell Friedman, to be extremely helpful. My grandfather committed suicide more than 25 years ago, when I was in seventh grade, and my parents didn't want us to tell anyone what happened, which didn't help at all.
Perhaps "Needs Closure" could organize a memorial service with a local church, depending on what is going to be done with his ashes. If that's not possible, she should reach out to other family members and grieve with them. I hope they do not feel embarrassed about the suicide. -- LOYAL READER IN SAIPAN
DEAR LOYAL READER: One thing is certain: She should not suffer alone and in silence.
DEAR ABBY: While "Needs Closure" feels that her grandfather's cremation is the reason she has had a difficult time letting go. I suspect it is the manner in which he died. Suicide is a traumatic loss -- sudden, unexpected, often violent. That girl is now a survivor of suicide. One does not "get over" a suicide. The effects may stabilize, but the loss is forever felt.
I speak from experience. Five years ago, my beautiful little sister committed suicide at 19. I have read many books for suicide survivors and belong to an online support group for sibling survivors. One great resource for her could be SOLOS -- Survivors of Loved Ones' Suicides. The Web site is www.solos.org. She can also write to the group for information at P.O. Box 592, Dumfries, VA 22026-0592. -- STILL GRIEVING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR STILL GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for your loss, as well as my gratitude for suggesting this resource.
DEAR ABBY: Your advice was right on the money. I was away when my best friend dropped dead of a heart attack. Since I had no chance to say goodbye, I wrote him a letter telling him what his friendship had meant to me. At first, I planned to "send it" to him by burning it in the fireplace. But it is now 2004, and I still write letters to him. What started as a way to bring closure became the beginning of a wonderful journal. -- J. IN OCEANSIDE, ORE.
BOYFRIEND'S LUNCHTIME ARDOR IS NOT FOR PUBLIC CONSUMPTION
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ron," and I have been together for six years and have lived together for two. We are planning to be married.
I work close to home and sometimes Ron meets me for lunch nearby. When he drops me off, he insists on kissing me in the car in front of the building, a long, lingering tongue kiss. I think it is inappropriate, because my bosses and co-workers have windows right there, and there are often clients outside.
When I try to pull away, or explain why it makes me uncomfortable, Ron gets upset and says I must be ashamed of him or something. That's not true! I would simply rather keep such displays of affection confined to our house, or at least away from my workplace. Am I wrong? -- EMBARRASSED IN BOSTON
DEAR EMBARRASSED: You are right to be embarrassed. What your boyfriend is doing isn't showing affection; it is displaying the extent of his insecurity. By kissing you in such an inappropriate way, he is trying to show others the control he has over you. To insist on doing it after you have told him it makes you uncomfortable is insensitive, immature and disrespectful of your feelings. Please consider putting marriage on "hold" until your boyfriend grows up, which may be never.
DEAR ABBY: I am divorced and the father of two girls, ages 6 and 5. I am actively involved in their lives. My ex-wife, "Erin," is a teacher, so I pick the kids up from school and watch them until dinner every night.
Erin and I separated in 2001. She started dating the following July, and by August, my 6-year-old told me that Mom's "friend from high school" was sleeping in her bed and taking showers in the morning.
I was furious. I told Erin that what she did when I had the kids was her business. But when the kids were with her, her boyfriend should not spend the night. She told me her bedroom was no longer any of my business. The sleepovers continued, and in November, Erin informed me that her boyfriend had officially moved in. She claims that this is a loving and committed relationship -- but they have broken up twice that I know of in the past six months.
I am legally powerless to fight this, but I think that in addition to being confusing and unsettling for our daughters, Erin is setting a bad example.
What is your opinion, Abby? Do you feel (as Erin maintains steadfastly) that she is doing "nothing wrong"? -- LEGALLY POWERLESS IN NEW YORK
DEAR POWERLESS: No, I do not. Your ex-wife is setting a bad example and sending a poor message to her impressionable daughters. When the girls are older, Erin may come to regret her stance on this. Although you are legally powerless in this situation, I hope that you will continue to be a stabilizing influence in your daughters' lives, because it appears they are going to need one.
DEAR ABBY: I am married, with a 12-year-old daughter. We share a three-bedroom apartment with a lady who is a friend of the family. She is always doing dishes, even though I have repeatedly requested that she not do so.
When she does the dishes, more than half of them are still dirty. What should I do about this? Continue to rewash them? It seems like a waste of effort and water. -- FRUSTRATED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Try this: Assign another chore to this well-intentioned but vision-challenged lady. That way she will feel like she's doing something useful -- and you won't have to worry about sanitation.
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Couple Accommodate Their Different Levels of Desire
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding your reply to "Needs More," whose sexual appetite is bigger than her fiance's. You advised her not to marry him because of it. I disagree.
I have been married to a wonderful man for three years. Had I let our differing drives stop me from marrying him, I would have missed out on a loving, mature, attentive husband and father to our children. I actually think I have it better than many women out there whose husbands demand sex daily.
There is more to a relationship than sex. My husband shows me love and affection in hundreds of other ways. Perhaps "Needs More" should take a closer look at their relationship. If sex is the only thing lacking, other ways of physically expressing love -- like hugging, holding hands and kissing -- could be substituted. If she nurtures her relationship in all the other ways, she may find, as I have, that his desire grows in time. Libido fades with age; love does not. -- SATISFIED IN ALL WAYS IN KNOXVILLE
DEAR SATISFIED: You and your husband have been able to negotiate past your differences and make your marriage a fulfilling one. That is not the case with many of the wives and husbands who write to me. Sometimes I wish I could run a dating service for all of the mismatched couples who feel sad, frustrated, isolated and unattractive to the person they love. The reasons for a low sex drive can vary. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My second wife found herself with a far stronger libido than I could match. This, of course, left me with a lot of disappointment. She, a nurse, said, "Off to the doctor with you!" The doctor said, "Let's do some lab work." Sure enough, there was a little brain chemistry issue I needed to deal with. I am now on medication, which solved our problem. -- HAPPIER NOW IN KANSAS CITY
DEAR HAPPIER NOW: I'm pleased that your problem was resolved. Thank you for pointing out that a low sex drive may be an indication of a medical problem.
DEAR ABBY: That letter from "Needs More" could have been written by me 20 years ago. I married my best friend, who also had very little interest in sex. During our six-year marriage we argued frequently and I felt more and more undesirable. When I finally found the strength to leave the marriage, it broke both our hearts.
Two years later, my ex realized that he was gay. It made so much sense in retrospect. I agree with the advice you gave "Needs More." She should keep her fiance as a friend, but she should not marry him. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN VIRGINIA
DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing your experience. The mail I have received from readers has been divided on this issue. About one-third came from women, like yourself, whose husbands turned out to be gay. Another third said the problem had been caused by a hormonal or chemical imbalance or depression, which had been successfully treated. The rest felt I should reconsider my advice:
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have learned that with open communication, compromise and respect, we can work through this difference. Intimacy, although important, is only one part of marriage. Because people are different does not mean they should not marry. Marriage is the union of two individuals, not two identical people. Please reconsider your advice to "Needs More." -- FEELING FRISKY IN FRISCO, TEXAS
DEAR FEELING FRISKY: Although I admire your level of maturity, I think I'll stand pat with my answer.
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