To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
MARRIAGE DIDN'T PUT A STOP TO JEALOUS MAN'S FEARS
DEAR ABBY: "Innocent and Faithful in L.A." told you that she has been in a long-distance relationship with her boyfriend. Although she has been completely devoted to him for two years, he continues to accuse her of seeing other men because he has a "gut feeling" about it. She said he reads her e-mails, and she suspects he has hacked into her computer. She asked if there was "any hope" for their relationship.
You advised her to keep the relationship long-distance or end it. Oh, how I wish someone had given me that advice before I married my husband.
I felt that if we were married, he would finally be secure and not accuse me of seeing other men. After our wedding, it got worse. It got so bad I would cross the street to avoid speaking to a former classmate; I couldn't even go into the grocery store without him.
After 25 years of marriage, and his having at least two affairs, he finally left me for another woman. -- SYMPATHETIC IN HARRISONBURG, VA.
DEAR SYMPATHETIC: It may take counseling to help you recover from 25 years in emotional prison, but I'm glad to know that you're finally free. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I can tell "Innocent" from firsthand experience that no, there isn't any hope. Nothing she can say will reassure him because his paranoia has nothing to do with her or her behavior; it has only to do with him. If she's smart, she'll dump him. -- BEEN THERE IN MONTREAL
DEAR BEEN THERE: I agree with you.
DEAR ABBY: Any time someone constantly accuses you of something (infidelity, lying, etc.) it is time to look into what THAT person may be doing. When we are constantly placed in the position of having to defend ourselves, we often don't take time to look into what the accuser may be doing. If "Innocent" were able to seriously look into his behavior, I'll bet she'd discover he's doing exactly what he's accusing her of. -- JANIE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR JANIE: You have insight. There's an old French saying that translates (roughly), "A man doesn't look behind the bedroom door unless he has hidden there himself."
DEAR ABBY: "Innocent" should run as far from that guy as she can. I once had a boyfriend who claimed that I treated everyone -- including my pets -- better than I treated him. He tried to tell me not to talk to my friends or my children's father. I drew the line when he told me I had to let his abusive cousin come to my apartment to visit.
When I told him to pack his things and get out, he hit me. It only happened once, because I stood up to him. I filed charges and he went to jail. That's when I found out that I wasn't the first. He had been arrested six times for abuse.
Please tell Miss "Innocent" from someone who's been there: Get away before he starts hitting you. -- STANDING TALL IN DAYTON, OHIO
DEAR STANDING TALL: You are lucky that you drew the line where you did. Some people are so insecure they cannot function unless they feel completely in control, regardless of how destructive that control may be to the object of their obsession. Once an emotional and verbal abuser becomes physical, it can escalate to homicide.
DAUGHTER'S BIZARRE APPETITE IS CONSTANT CAUSE FOR ALARM
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of three -- ages 10, 9 and 6. My parents are both gone, so I can't ask them about a problem I am having with "Ashley," my 6-year-old. Since she learned to walk at about 10 months, Ashley has eaten just about anything she could get her hands on.
She prefers things like hairspray, makeup, cleaners, soaps, baby oil -- and has even tried bleach. I am scared that my child is going to do permanent damage to herself or even die. I watch her like a hawk; however, last night we were at a Daisy Girl Scout meeting, and Ashley went to the restroom and was caught spraying air freshener into her mouth.
I have called her pediatrician and left messages, but he has not returned my calls. I used to think she was just extremely curious; now I'm beginning to think she is obsessed and can't resist the urge.
Please advise me how I can save my beautiful little girl. -- ALARMED IN TOPEKA, KAN.
DEAR ALARMED: The first thing you should do is contact another pediatrician. Meanwhile, lock up the products that are a danger to her. Your daughter needs a medical evaluation, and you must ensure that she gets one as soon as possible. Her problem may be caused by some sort of nutritional deficiency, or she may have an emotional problem.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Milt," has a friend, "Jack," whom I find insufferable. He not only talks loudly and constantly, but he's an exaggerator and a know-it-all.
I respect Milt's choice to be friends with Jack, but when he comes to visit I quietly disappear into other parts of the house and avoid his company. Milt told him I am like this with all his friends. He said it to spare Jack's feelings. I do not run and hide from any of Milt's other friends.
My daughter says I'm being rude to Jack. Is she right? I swear, Abby, after five minutes of listening to him talk, I want to pull my hair out and run screaming from the room. Must I sit there and endure it for my husband's sake? Milt thinks it's funny, but my daughter thinks my behavior is wrong. Who's right? -- PEACE LOVER IN SOUTH CAROLINA
DEAR PEACE LOVER: It appears that Jack doesn't want company; he craves an audience. Since your husband and daughter enjoy him, let them continue to do the entertaining. I see no reason why you should be hostage to a boor who dominates the conversation to the point that you're ready to scream. Continue to make your exit quiet and unobtrusive.
DEAR ABBY: I have a question about birthday etiquette. When there's leftover birthday cake from a party, isn't it true that the honoree should be allowed to take it home, or does the remainder belong to the person who paid for the cake? -- BIRTHDAY GIRL
DEAR BIRTHDAY GIRL: The leftover cake should go home with the birthday girl, if she wants it. However, if the generous person who paid for it would like some, the birthday girl should be willing to share it. Consider this: Your hostess may have wanted to be sure you didn't eat your cake and have it, too. (On your hips, I mean.)
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
Loss of Dog Is High Price for Man's Bitter Lesson
DEAR ABBY: I found my dog, "Belle," last year at the pound. We bonded instantly and I knew I had to take her. She was sweet, funny and fearless.
I remembered the truck commercials on TV where the message was dogs love trucks. Belle was no exception. The day I bought my used pickup, she hopped into the bed and was ready to go. It seemed that half the vehicles I saw growing up were old pickups with dogs -- always unrestrained.
At first, there were short trips to the store or on a back road. But after a month, we got more adventurous. Sometimes Belle would get excited and lean over and snap at passing cars. That should have warned me, but at the time I thought it was funny. It never occurred to me to be concerned. Not until she fell out.
I watched in the mirror as she tumbled to the road. Belle survived the fall and started to get up, but before she could get out of the way, an oncoming car hit her.
It was stupid, awful and completely unexpected. And it could have been prevented. A simple harness, or better yet, keeping my beautiful Belle in the cab would have saved her life.
Now, because of a stupid, macho image I had of a man, his dog and his truck, I have lost a beloved friend. Please, Abby, warn your readers that if they have a pet they care about, not to allow it to ride unrestrained in a truck bed. -- GRIEVING IN LEXINGTON, KY.
DEAR GRIEVING: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved pet. I'm printing your reminder for the benefit of other pet owners, but I would like to extend it. I frequently see young children standing on the seats of vehicles driven by their mothers, while Mom chats away on her cell phone. I have also seen pets and people riding unrestrained in the back of open trucks. It takes only a moment for an accident to happen. These kinds of accidents can be life-altering or fatal. So please, folks, use a little restraint -- the kind that buckles.
DEAR ABBY: I recently relocated to live near my son, "Gary," and his girlfriend, "Gina." Gary supports Gina and her three children, and talks constantly about marrying her and adopting the kids. Gary believes that Gina will marry him one day, but she has confided to me that once she finishes college and starts her career, she does not see herself married to my son.
I'm torn between telling Gary the truth and hurting him (not to mention damaging our relationship), or letting him find out in two years that he has been seriously used. -- TORN MOM IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TORN: Talk to Gina and urge her to level with your son. If she refuses, then you must do it. If he finds out in two years that you knew all along that he was being used and said nothing, it will be more damaging to your relationship than if you tell him the truth now. He won't like hearing it, but you must tell him what Gina told you. If he were my son, I would.