For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Boy Who Wears His Hair Long Tussles With Dad Who Doesn't
DEAR ABBY: I am an almost-14-year-old boy in Iowa. My father thinks my hair is too long and says I should get a summer cut -- short like his, of course. The reason, according to my mom, is adults have said how bad my hair looks. I believe if they're going to be so rude as to say that to my mom, I should keep it long to keep them mad.
I get the feeling that my dad is afraid, as a physician, that it's hurting his reputation.
Abby, I'm a good kid. I get straight A's. I'm involved in many constructive activities, and my hair is just a little over my ears, almost touching my T-shirt collar in the back, and my bangs are brushed to the side. Who's right here? -- IRRITATED IN IOWA
DEAR IRRITATED: You appear to be intelligent and a high achiever. Please don't let a power struggle over the length of your hair ruin your summer. A compromise may be in order. Take a long, hard look in the mirror. If a number of people have said your hair looks "bad," perhaps it could be shaped -- a little -- into something less shaggy and more flattering. If you're afraid your dad's barber might scalp you, consider consulting your mother's hairdresser. Where I live, it's common to see males in beauty salons because their girlfriends, wives or mothers have sent them there.
DEAR ABBY: Every year, on my in-laws' birthdays, I prepare a beautiful dinner, bake or purchase a decorated cake and buy them a nice gift. My parents do the same for my husband.
When my birthday comes, my in-laws acknowledge it with only a card. My husband has talked to them about it (they are well off financially and could afford to take us out for dinner if his mom doesn't want to cook), but they feel that a card is adequate. They say, "People shouldn't do things for others because they expect something back."
Am I wrong to expect some kind of reciprocation? Frankly, I'm hurt. -- SLIGHTED IN MISSOURI
DEAR SLIGHTED: Your feelings are justified. Although I agree that people should not do things for others because they expect something back, by putting forth no effort on your birthday, they are sending the message that they haven't accepted you as a daughter. Perhaps when their next birthdays roll around, their son should be the one to prepare the dinner, make sure there's a birthday cake and purchase their gift. If he remembers, that is.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a great marriage. We're crazy about each other. There's just one thing we can't seem to agree on: He wants to travel to faraway places and I don't. I even suggested that if it means that much to him, he could go with one of his friends or a family member. He insists that he doesn't want to go without me.
This issue isn't hurting our marriage, but it sure isn't helping it, either. Any suggestions? -- HOMEBODY IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR HOMEBODY: Everyone should have your problems -- a husband with an appetite for world travel, the pocketbook to back it up, and the desire to share the excitement of the adventure with his own true love. If I were you, I'd quit complaining and start packing.
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and usually agree wholeheartedly with your advice. However, I was stunned to read your reply to "On the Spot" in New Jersey, who chose not to invite her neighbor's 8- and 6-year-old children to her son's bar mitzvah.
Yes, it's true that children are invited to bar mitzvahs. But in this case, the neighbor's children are not family and are too young to be playmates of the bar mitzvah boy. The parents are within their rights to exclude these children from the guest list, especially when the cost of additional guests is taken into consideration. Furthermore, it was rude of the invitees to RSVP that their uninvited children would attend. -- LINDA M., ROCKVILLE, MD.
DEAR LINDA: You're right -- I goofed. My readers were quick to set me straight. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and recently had a bat mitzvah myself. I understand the situation. This was a challenge for our family, too.
Abby, these affairs are expensive, and it is not always affordable to include kids who are not close to the family. Also, young children can't sit through a three-hour service. That mother should discuss the situation with her neighbors and tell them that due to budget and space restrictions, the number of guests is limited. -- ASHLEY S., FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR ASHLEY: Where were you when I needed you?
DEAR ABBY: The bottom line is, it takes "chutzpah" to include uninvited children. -- SUE K., WEST ORANGE, N.J.
DEAR SUE: It also takes a lot of nerve or gall ("chutzpah") to bring uninvited guests to weddings, anniversaries and other invitation-only events. However, if my mail is an indicator, chutzpah is one commodity that's never in short supply.
DEAR ABBY: I am planning a small, intimate wedding this summer. Most of our guests will be family and very close friends.
My mother asked me to invite a longtime friend and co-worker. We sent the woman a save-the-date card. When Mother saw her the next day at work, the friend said she would be happy to attend -- if she didn't have a "band gig." Mother felt embarrassed and slighted. She would now like to start working from home to avoid this person and has asked me not to send an invitation. What should I do? -- SOON-TO-BE BRIDE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SOON-TO-BE-BRIDE: Since the co-worker has indicated that if a job comes up she might be absent, take the hint and don't send the invitation. Better that she was honest in advance about the fact she might be able to attend, rather than being a no-show.
P.S. Although your mother is disappointed, she should not let her co-worker's reaction spoil a warm workplace relationship. Avoiding the woman is not the answer. Forgiving her and moving on is.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Student Moving Back Home Must Accept Loss of Freedom
DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old, single college student. I live on my own and work two jobs in order to make ends meet. I recently told my dad I want to move back home, because working two jobs and going to school is wearing me out -- not to mention reflecting badly on my grades. My dad is very excited at the prospect.
The reason I moved out was my stepmother. I can't stand her. She is very controlling, and we have never gotten along. I have tried to make peace with her since I left, but she is still the same. She tells me what time I should be home at night when I go out with my friends!
Abby, at this point I am used to being on my own and not having to account to anyone for my time. How am I going to make this drastic change? -- TROUBLED IN TENNESSEE
DEAR T. in T.: By gritting your teeth and recognizing that there's no free lunch. Instead of paying rent for a roof over your head, you will be sacrificing some of your freedom. Once you accept that this is an exchange -- and that it will help you achieve a goal -- you'll adapt. However, if you can't accept the terms, I advise you to stay where you are, because moving back will only cause aggravation for all concerned.
P.S. Your stepmother's insistence on a curfew may have to do with not wanting to be worried about you until all hours nor be awakened in the middle of the night.
DEAR ABBY: My parents watched two of my younger children last week while my husband and I took our older children on vacation. Today, while helping my 5-year-old daughter visit a Barbie Web site, I discovered someone had used my computer to extensively visit a pornographic Web site.
We have three computers, and my father had access only to this one. Our other computers were unaffected. I know these Web sites were not on my computer when we left. Our family has always joked with my dad about the amount of time he spends on computers, but we assumed it was for work.
Should I tell my parents what I found? I'm disgusted that Dad would use my computer this way and that my children were exposed to pictures of naked women. The bottom line is I do not want this material in my house, nor do I want someone around my kids who engages in this behavior. Please advise. -- NOT IN MY HOUSE
DEAR NOT: Tell your parents what you found and let your father know that you feel he betrayed your trust. To ensure that it doesn't happen again, either install parental control software on your computers or discuss it with your Internet service provider so access to these sites can be blocked. Once that's done, I see no reason to keep your children from a loving grandfather as long as he views his adult material in his own home, in private.
DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I are being married in a few months. It's the second time around for both of us. Only our parents and children will attend.
We would like to send announcements to the rest of the family afterward to share our joy, but we worry that it might be considered a bid for gifts.
Is there a proper way to put something like "No gifts, please" on the announcements? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN RENO
DEAR WANTS: Wedding announcements carry no obligation regarding gifts -- and no reference should be made to gifts when sharing your happy news. If you are contacted and asked about gifts, that is the time to verbally state that no gifts are necessary or expected.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
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