What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Husband Resents Sharing Wife's Time With Her Sons
DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother in New Mexico" told you she "can't stand" her fiance's 3-year-old daughter and knows she will be forced to care for the child because the mother doesn't want her.
"Unwilling" should do all three of them a huge favor and end the relationship. I married a man two years ago, when my sons were 19 and 21. He had no children of his own and assured me he would accept mine unconditionally.
Now I am constantly berated for not "putting him first" or consulting him each and every time I want to spend time with my sons or help them. I'm heartsick that I didn't see this before I married him. He has since told me that he "thought" he could handle it, but I really believe he thought he could make me choose him over my children.
If "Unwilling" has any doubts, she should not go through with the marriage. I am seriously contemplating divorce because I see no other option. -- FOOLED IN TEXAS
DEAR FOOLED: I advised "Unwilling" that unless she can accept her fiance and his daughter as a package deal and learn to love the little girl, that marriage would be a disservice to all of them. Thank you for adding the voice of experience. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Unwilling Stepmother" seems to be more like a child than an adult. When she became serious with her fiance, how could she not realize that his little girl would be a big part of her life?
"Unwilling" needs serious family counseling, or to get out of there. She also seems to have no clue about child development. Most 3-year-olds have a very self-centered view of life. They must be lovingly taught to become giving as they grow.
I married a man with two children eight years ago. As part of our marriage vows, I promised to love his children as my own. It wasn't easy, but today I am reaping the rewards of having two wonderful stepchildren and one biological child. I became very ill after the baby was born, and who do you think was always there to help? Yes -- both of my stepchildren. I love them as my own and could not imagine life without them.
"Unwilling Stepmother" is missing the best chance of her life to really care and to make a difference in that child's life. -- DISGUSTED IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR DISGUSTED: You have made some excellent points in your letter. However, for family counseling to work, all parties have to be honest with each other and willing to compromise. "Unwilling" would be the little one's primary caregiver -- and her mind seemed pretty well made up. Her question was whether she should level with her fiance about her feelings and tell him she's leaving -- or wait for him to figure out how she felt and give her her walking papers.
FROM MY COLLECTION OF LIMERICKS:
There was a young girl from St. Paul
Who wore a newspaper dress to a ball.
The dress caught on fire
And burned her entire
Front page, sports section and all.
Therapist's Query About Sex Causes Teen High Anxiety
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing a psychologist for three years about anxiety and the trauma of my parents' divorce. Every session has been about how school is and whatnot. About a year ago, I had my first real relationship. We are still involved.
In a recent session, my psychologist asked me how my sex life is. Mind you, I'm only 18. I felt very embarrassed and told him it was none of his business.
Was this appropriate, or do you think he was coming on to me? I look back and realize the position I was in if he was making advances. There is no receptionist in the office -- only he and I in the whole place. I'm concerned about going back. Can you give me some insight? -- CONCERNED IN MASSACHUSETTS
DEAR CONCERNED: Considering the fact that you have been in an exclusive relationship for about a year, I'd say the question was legitimate. After three years of therapy, I would assume that by now you had established enough trust to confide just about anything.
Your therapist needs to know that you felt his question was out of line and made you uncomfortable. So, consider telling him that you might feel more at ease if he referred you to a female therapist. Also, your sessions should have gone far beyond making small talk about "school and whatnot."
DEAR ABBY: Some friends and I gather for dinner and fellowship about twice a month. The problem is, one woman is a very finicky eater, and she turns up her nose when something is served and makes comments like, "That doesn't even look good -- what's in it?" The one we have heard all too often is, "That doesn't even sound good."
Most of the time we try to please her by preparing something she likes, like hot dogs or fried chicken. Frankly, I'm sick of it. Would it be rude to prepare something scrumptious like coconut shrimp with orange sauce knowing that she won't eat it, but everyone else will, and tell her there are hot dogs in the fridge and buns in the breadbox and to just help herself? -- HAD IT IN NASHVILLE
DEAR HAD IT: No more rude than what she's doing to you. The alternative would be to tell her in advance what you will be serving so she can opt out or bring her own food if she chooses.
P.S. What's your address? If I'm in the neighborhood, I'd love to sample the cuisine.
DEAR ABBY: Our son and his wife keep a cold beer in the refrigerator for their 8-month-old baby. They routinely give him "sips." To me, this is abuse and a danger to our grandson. To add to my dismay, there is alcoholism on both sides of the family.
They are determined not to listen to me. Also, they are both heavy drinkers, so there could be some denial here. What more can be done? Any suggestions? -- WORRIED GRANDMA
DEAR WORRIED GRANDMA: Since you have spoken to your son and daughter-in-law and they have chosen to ignore your legitimate concerns, report them to child protective services. Feeding alcohol to small children can create dependency and result in lifelong problems.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Persistent High School Stalker Won't Take No for an Answer
DEAR ABBY: My family is dealing with a concern similar to "Trapped in Louisville." My teenage son is dating a lovely girl who attends a neighboring high school. She is being harassed by a boy who attends her school, rides her bus and lives in her neighborhood. I'll call him "Willy."
Willy has refused to honor repeated requests by the young lady to leave her alone. He makes unwanted advances toward her at school, follows her home and trespasses on her property.
The young lady's mother is not around during the daytime, due to her career. Her father is away defending our country. If my son becomes involved, I'm afraid there could be violence. I don't know what to do.
There are no witnesses willing to get involved. How do we get solid proof so Willy will not cause her harm? Who can we tell so that this will stop? We don't want to make this problem worse than it already is. Willy has threatened retribution if he gets into trouble over this. -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GA.
DEAR CONCERNED: It is time for the young lady's mother to pick up the phone and inform the police that her daughter is being stalked and threatened. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Trapped in Louisville" with mounting alarm and a horrible sense of deja vu. She's the high school girl being stalked by a classmate who calls her once or twice every hour. When her family got call blocking, he bought a cell phone and continued to call. Now he does it from the homes of his friends.
Abby, I am a university professor in a small coastal town. Our university is still in shock from the kidnapping, beating, rape and murder of a sophomore student in her dormitory. The student who admitted the crime had been pestering the girl for dates, despite repeated rebuffs. After he killed her, he called her parents and said, "I've murdered your daughter."
During the police investigation, the girl's father said, "There was a boy who was stalking her, but we thought that had gone by the wayside."
I disagree with your advice that "Trapped" should speak up to her stalker or have her parents call his. They should go straight to law enforcement NOW.
Although the girl fears her stalker will call her a racist, this has nothing to do with race. Her family should not try to handle the situation on their own. -- CONCERNED EDUCATOR, UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONCERNED: I stand corrected. My deepest sympathy goes to the family of that unfortunate woman.
Readers, there are laws against stalking in all 50 states and Washington, D.C. There are also laws against stalking at the federal level. Stalking is abusive, anti-social, sick behavior. It is not a compliment to the victim, and it is not benign. Stalkers are addicts, and the substance to which they are addicted is their prey. That is why stalkers should be considered dangerous and the police should be notified when stalking occurs.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)