Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Persistent High School Stalker Won't Take No for an Answer
DEAR ABBY: My family is dealing with a concern similar to "Trapped in Louisville." My teenage son is dating a lovely girl who attends a neighboring high school. She is being harassed by a boy who attends her school, rides her bus and lives in her neighborhood. I'll call him "Willy."
Willy has refused to honor repeated requests by the young lady to leave her alone. He makes unwanted advances toward her at school, follows her home and trespasses on her property.
The young lady's mother is not around during the daytime, due to her career. Her father is away defending our country. If my son becomes involved, I'm afraid there could be violence. I don't know what to do.
There are no witnesses willing to get involved. How do we get solid proof so Willy will not cause her harm? Who can we tell so that this will stop? We don't want to make this problem worse than it already is. Willy has threatened retribution if he gets into trouble over this. -- DEEPLY CONCERNED IN LAWRENCEVILLE, GA.
DEAR CONCERNED: It is time for the young lady's mother to pick up the phone and inform the police that her daughter is being stalked and threatened. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I read the letter from "Trapped in Louisville" with mounting alarm and a horrible sense of deja vu. She's the high school girl being stalked by a classmate who calls her once or twice every hour. When her family got call blocking, he bought a cell phone and continued to call. Now he does it from the homes of his friends.
Abby, I am a university professor in a small coastal town. Our university is still in shock from the kidnapping, beating, rape and murder of a sophomore student in her dormitory. The student who admitted the crime had been pestering the girl for dates, despite repeated rebuffs. After he killed her, he called her parents and said, "I've murdered your daughter."
During the police investigation, the girl's father said, "There was a boy who was stalking her, but we thought that had gone by the wayside."
I disagree with your advice that "Trapped" should speak up to her stalker or have her parents call his. They should go straight to law enforcement NOW.
Although the girl fears her stalker will call her a racist, this has nothing to do with race. Her family should not try to handle the situation on their own. -- CONCERNED EDUCATOR, UNIVERSITY OF NORTH CAROLINA
DEAR CONCERNED: I stand corrected. My deepest sympathy goes to the family of that unfortunate woman.
Readers, there are laws against stalking in all 50 states and Washington, D.C. There are also laws against stalking at the federal level. Stalking is abusive, anti-social, sick behavior. It is not a compliment to the victim, and it is not benign. Stalkers are addicts, and the substance to which they are addicted is their prey. That is why stalkers should be considered dangerous and the police should be notified when stalking occurs.
Tale of Child Abuse Leaves New Friend at Loss for Words
DEAR ABBY: Last Sunday I attended church as usual. After the service, another woman and I started talking and the next thing I knew, we were having lunch together.
Over lunch, the other woman told me about her life. She said that as a child she had been molested by her father and when she refused his sexual advances, he started to malign her socially, emotionally and mentally. She no longer lives in the same town with him.
I have no experience or training as a relationship counselor, and found my tongue tied over her story. What should I have said to her? -- UNCOMFORTABLE IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNCOMFORTABLE: The proper response would have been to acknowledge that her youth had been very difficult, but that she's a survivor and you're glad she got away from her abuser.
It is unusual for someone to reveal that much to a stranger, and had the woman confided in me I would have asked if she'd had counseling to help her deal with it. If the answer was no, I'd have recommended she get it so she could lay her past to rest.
DEAR ABBY: I desperately need some guidance because I'm afraid I'm putting myself in grave danger.
I lost my virginity when I was 16 to a boy I hardly knew. I am now 20 and off to college, and I have literally lost count of the number of men I have had sex with. Only a handful of them have actually been boyfriends. I always feel horrible and used after sex, not to mention that I am constantly worried about STDs and pregnancy since I never use protection. Yet I can't stop being promiscuous, and I can't settle down with any one person. My self-worth has disintegrated, and sex has become meaningless to me.
Abby, please set me straight. I'm so lost and don't know who to confide in. -- SCARED AND ASHAMED IN WASHINGTON
DEAR SCARED: Thank you for trusting me with your problem. When you get to school, check in with the student health center. You need to be examined -- and treated, if necessary -- for STDs. You also need to talk to a mental health professional to understand what has been driving your sexually compulsive behavior. (Often the reasons have nothing to do with sexual desire.) You are right that your behavior could have serious consequences, physically and emotionally. So please make getting professional help your first priority.
DEAR ABBY: I met a girl at school who isn't the prettiest girl I've ever seen, but she's one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I really like her, but I'm scared to tell her how I feel. Would you please give me some advice on how to approach her? -- CONFUSED IN MARYLAND
DEAR CONFUSED: The best way to "approach" someone is to simply show an interest. Say hello when you see her. If you share a class together, offer to study together. If there is an athletic event, a school play or a party, ask if she plans to attend, or would like to sit with you. You don't have to declare undying love -- just be friendly.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been married five years to a man I truly love. The problem is, he's a "neat freak," and it's destroying our marriage.
I work full time, commute about 100 miles a day, raise two children with whom I spend a lot of time, cook a homemade dinner almost every night, and keep the house clean. It is never enough for him. I walk on eggshells trying to keep the house according to his standards and let my children be children and have fun.
If the kids are going to have friends overnight, I make sure it's on a night when he'll be gone. Our children can't go barefoot in the yard, and our shoes must be removed at the door and kept in perfect alignment. If the children eat cookies at the kitchen table, he complains about the crumbs.
He was gone this weekend. The children and I cleaned the house, picked lemons from our trees and baked him a homemade pie, and prepared a nice dinner for him. When he got home all he did was yell because someone had tracked mud on the porch. He never even said hello. My 3-year-old kept saying, "Daddy, we made you a pie and cooked supper," but he wouldn't stop griping.
Please help. Divorce is not an option because it would destroy the children. How can I get him to realize that his obsessive-compulsive disorder is hurting our family? He thinks it is normal. -- AT MY WIT'S END IN TEXAS
DEAR WIT'S END: Your husband's behavior is "normal" – for him. It won't change until you realize that the only thing more destructive to a child than divorce is trying to please a sick parent who is impossible to please.
For their sakes, if not for yours, DEMAND that your husband consult a therapist about his problem. Thankfully, it is one that's treatable.
Please don't wait any longer to assert yourself. Do not back down. When a 3-year-old can recognize that your husband's behavior doesn't make sense, it's time to draw the line.
DEAR ABBY: Every Wednesday I go to a teen hip-hop class to dance and have fun. On one of those occasions, my friend "Tracy" came to class crying. My friends and I asked her what was wrong and she said her dad had hit her. We asked her why, and she said it was because she was on the phone too long. She showed us the bruises on her arms and legs. They looked very bad.
I told Tracy she could come home with me and she said, "No thanks. I'm fine." This week, she didn't make it to dance class. If she shows up with bruises again, should I make her come home with me and call the police? Please, Abby, I don't want Tracy to get hurt anymore. -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: If it happens again, get the dance teacher involved. It is important that an adult document what is happening, and teachers are required by law to report abuse. You are a caring friend, and Tracy is lucky to have you. It is not unusual for an abuse victim to protect her (or his) abuser. The victim may be afraid that speaking out will cause the abuse to escalate. If Tracy does not return to class, a report can be made by calling ChildHelp U.S.A. The phone number is (800) 422-4453.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)