Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I have been married five years to a man I truly love. The problem is, he's a "neat freak," and it's destroying our marriage.
I work full time, commute about 100 miles a day, raise two children with whom I spend a lot of time, cook a homemade dinner almost every night, and keep the house clean. It is never enough for him. I walk on eggshells trying to keep the house according to his standards and let my children be children and have fun.
If the kids are going to have friends overnight, I make sure it's on a night when he'll be gone. Our children can't go barefoot in the yard, and our shoes must be removed at the door and kept in perfect alignment. If the children eat cookies at the kitchen table, he complains about the crumbs.
He was gone this weekend. The children and I cleaned the house, picked lemons from our trees and baked him a homemade pie, and prepared a nice dinner for him. When he got home all he did was yell because someone had tracked mud on the porch. He never even said hello. My 3-year-old kept saying, "Daddy, we made you a pie and cooked supper," but he wouldn't stop griping.
Please help. Divorce is not an option because it would destroy the children. How can I get him to realize that his obsessive-compulsive disorder is hurting our family? He thinks it is normal. -- AT MY WIT'S END IN TEXAS
DEAR WIT'S END: Your husband's behavior is "normal" – for him. It won't change until you realize that the only thing more destructive to a child than divorce is trying to please a sick parent who is impossible to please.
For their sakes, if not for yours, DEMAND that your husband consult a therapist about his problem. Thankfully, it is one that's treatable.
Please don't wait any longer to assert yourself. Do not back down. When a 3-year-old can recognize that your husband's behavior doesn't make sense, it's time to draw the line.
DEAR ABBY: Every Wednesday I go to a teen hip-hop class to dance and have fun. On one of those occasions, my friend "Tracy" came to class crying. My friends and I asked her what was wrong and she said her dad had hit her. We asked her why, and she said it was because she was on the phone too long. She showed us the bruises on her arms and legs. They looked very bad.
I told Tracy she could come home with me and she said, "No thanks. I'm fine." This week, she didn't make it to dance class. If she shows up with bruises again, should I make her come home with me and call the police? Please, Abby, I don't want Tracy to get hurt anymore. -- SAD AND CONFUSED IN SAN DIEGO
DEAR SAD AND CONFUSED: If it happens again, get the dance teacher involved. It is important that an adult document what is happening, and teachers are required by law to report abuse. You are a caring friend, and Tracy is lucky to have you. It is not unusual for an abuse victim to protect her (or his) abuser. The victim may be afraid that speaking out will cause the abuse to escalate. If Tracy does not return to class, a report can be made by calling ChildHelp U.S.A. The phone number is (800) 422-4453.
Grandma's House Off Limits to Grandson Allergic to Pets
DEAR ABBY: I have an 8-year-old dog and a 5-year-old cat. Unfortunately, my new grandson is allergic to both.
I live only a few miles from my daughter and grandson and visit them every day, but the baby can't come to my house. My daughter is insinuating that I have chosen my pets over her baby.
Abby, I need a truthful answer: Do you think I should get rid of my pets, or tell my daughter to wait to bring her baby over until he is old enough to be treated for his allergies? Please help. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN FLORIDA
DEAR WANTS: I see no reason why you should have to give up your pets -- provided your clothing is free of dog and cat dander when you visit your grandson. Since you visit the baby every day, I see no urgency about visiting at your house until he is older. It is not that you have chosen your pets over your grandchild, but rather that your daughter shouldn't force you into the position of having to choose unless it's absolutely necessary. (And it's not.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with a wonderful 4-year-old boy. I have been seeing this great man, "Mike," for about seven months. I have not let him spend time with my son because I don't want my child to become attached.
You see, I don't know if Mike wants a real relationship or just wants to keep things simple. He's 33, and that's a 10-year difference in our ages. Mike has never been married, and I have.
My friends have given me mixed advice. One says to go with the flow and just enjoy. The other says I should invite him to go somewhere with my son and if he objects, get rid of him.
Abby, he's the greatest guy I have ever met -- everything I could want in a man, and to top it off, he's drop-dead gorgeous. When is the right time to have a serious talk with him? -- LOST IN ARIZONA
DEAR LOST: After seven months, I'd say the time is right. Invite him to go somewhere with you and your son. If he and the boy get along, share your concerns about your son becoming attached and later disappointed. Then be quiet and listen to what Mr. Wonderful has to say.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friendly with several couples at church. These couples get together every week for a meal after services.
Abby, they frequently make plans with one another right in front of us, without ever extending an invitation. The other night, I was sitting at a table with several of the couples and became virtually invisible as they planned, in detail, an upcoming dinner party. I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable, but the group apparently was oblivious.
Must we put up with this? Or should we take someone aside and point out how insensitive they are? I'd appreciate any ideas. -- NOT INVITED IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.
DEAR NOT INVITED: Rather than taking anyone aside and pointing it out, I recommend you look around and see if there are any other church members with better manners with whom to socialize after church. If your absence is mentioned, tell those people THEN how hurt, offended and unwanted you were made to feel by their insensitivity. But don't expect them to change. Rude people rarely do.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Long Distance Relationship Takes a Sudden Turn South
DEAR ABBY: I met a man on a business trip recently. I'll call him Ray. We spent a little over a week together and had a wonderful time. After I returned home, we decided we'd try a long-distance "whatever." (It was never defined.)
The following weekend I paid to fly Ray here, and it was great. It seemed like things were heating up. Two weeks later I arranged a weekend getaway for Ray, myself, his son and the son's friend. Again, I paid for everything. Another co-worker had relocated there and joined us. We went to a sporting event, and when we reached the ticket window, Ray said he had only enough money to pay for himself and the kids. Naturally, I paid for my own admission. My co-worker said, "I can't believe you put up with him!" I ignored the comment.
When I got home, Ray told me he didn't like it when I said, "I miss you" -- so I stopped. The next day, he said he just wanted to be friends. (No problem.)
Last night, while we were online he switched screen names. I made a comment, kiddingly, "Trying to hide from me? (lol)" He went nuts! He sent an instant message that this is why he doesn't date, and if I want "secrets," then he'll keep a bunch of them. When I tried to respond, I found he had blocked my messages.
I am crushed. I feel like I have been taken for a ride. Don't you agree that I at least deserve some explanation? What would you do in a situation like this? -- STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO MEN
DEAR "STUPID": For openers, I'd erase his e-mail address from my computer. Then I'd take a long, hard look at what had happened since I met the man. Once you decided you liked him, you went overboard. You made all the arrangements. You paid for everything. When he backed off, you didn't.
I don't know whether or not he was trying to avoid you when he switched his screen name, but you may have hit the nail on the head. Next time, be less aggressive. Let the man do some of the pursuing. When something comes too easily, it often isn't valued.
DEAR ABBY: We are invited to a renewing of the wedding vows of a couple who have been married for 10 years. (They're a young couple in their early 30s.)
We are trying to figure out if we have to give them another gift, since we gave them one when they were first married. Please help us out. -- BAFFLED IN BROOKLYN
DEAR BAFFLED: Call the couple and ask if (and where) they are registered. This will give them the chance to tell you whether or not gifts are expected.
A "renewal of vows" could be considered a fancy anniversary party, and if you attend, you should mark the occasion with some sort of gift. It doesn't have to be expensive -- it could be a photograph of you and the couple with a short paragraph sharing a happy memory; something associated with their hobbies or interests; or a tree or plant for their yard.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)