For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Grandma's House Off Limits to Grandson Allergic to Pets
DEAR ABBY: I have an 8-year-old dog and a 5-year-old cat. Unfortunately, my new grandson is allergic to both.
I live only a few miles from my daughter and grandson and visit them every day, but the baby can't come to my house. My daughter is insinuating that I have chosen my pets over her baby.
Abby, I need a truthful answer: Do you think I should get rid of my pets, or tell my daughter to wait to bring her baby over until he is old enough to be treated for his allergies? Please help. -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN FLORIDA
DEAR WANTS: I see no reason why you should have to give up your pets -- provided your clothing is free of dog and cat dander when you visit your grandson. Since you visit the baby every day, I see no urgency about visiting at your house until he is older. It is not that you have chosen your pets over your grandchild, but rather that your daughter shouldn't force you into the position of having to choose unless it's absolutely necessary. (And it's not.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a single mother with a wonderful 4-year-old boy. I have been seeing this great man, "Mike," for about seven months. I have not let him spend time with my son because I don't want my child to become attached.
You see, I don't know if Mike wants a real relationship or just wants to keep things simple. He's 33, and that's a 10-year difference in our ages. Mike has never been married, and I have.
My friends have given me mixed advice. One says to go with the flow and just enjoy. The other says I should invite him to go somewhere with my son and if he objects, get rid of him.
Abby, he's the greatest guy I have ever met -- everything I could want in a man, and to top it off, he's drop-dead gorgeous. When is the right time to have a serious talk with him? -- LOST IN ARIZONA
DEAR LOST: After seven months, I'd say the time is right. Invite him to go somewhere with you and your son. If he and the boy get along, share your concerns about your son becoming attached and later disappointed. Then be quiet and listen to what Mr. Wonderful has to say.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are friendly with several couples at church. These couples get together every week for a meal after services.
Abby, they frequently make plans with one another right in front of us, without ever extending an invitation. The other night, I was sitting at a table with several of the couples and became virtually invisible as they planned, in detail, an upcoming dinner party. I felt extremely awkward and uncomfortable, but the group apparently was oblivious.
Must we put up with this? Or should we take someone aside and point out how insensitive they are? I'd appreciate any ideas. -- NOT INVITED IN CUPERTINO, CALIF.
DEAR NOT INVITED: Rather than taking anyone aside and pointing it out, I recommend you look around and see if there are any other church members with better manners with whom to socialize after church. If your absence is mentioned, tell those people THEN how hurt, offended and unwanted you were made to feel by their insensitivity. But don't expect them to change. Rude people rarely do.
Long Distance Relationship Takes a Sudden Turn South
DEAR ABBY: I met a man on a business trip recently. I'll call him Ray. We spent a little over a week together and had a wonderful time. After I returned home, we decided we'd try a long-distance "whatever." (It was never defined.)
The following weekend I paid to fly Ray here, and it was great. It seemed like things were heating up. Two weeks later I arranged a weekend getaway for Ray, myself, his son and the son's friend. Again, I paid for everything. Another co-worker had relocated there and joined us. We went to a sporting event, and when we reached the ticket window, Ray said he had only enough money to pay for himself and the kids. Naturally, I paid for my own admission. My co-worker said, "I can't believe you put up with him!" I ignored the comment.
When I got home, Ray told me he didn't like it when I said, "I miss you" -- so I stopped. The next day, he said he just wanted to be friends. (No problem.)
Last night, while we were online he switched screen names. I made a comment, kiddingly, "Trying to hide from me? (lol)" He went nuts! He sent an instant message that this is why he doesn't date, and if I want "secrets," then he'll keep a bunch of them. When I tried to respond, I found he had blocked my messages.
I am crushed. I feel like I have been taken for a ride. Don't you agree that I at least deserve some explanation? What would you do in a situation like this? -- STUPID WHEN IT COMES TO MEN
DEAR "STUPID": For openers, I'd erase his e-mail address from my computer. Then I'd take a long, hard look at what had happened since I met the man. Once you decided you liked him, you went overboard. You made all the arrangements. You paid for everything. When he backed off, you didn't.
I don't know whether or not he was trying to avoid you when he switched his screen name, but you may have hit the nail on the head. Next time, be less aggressive. Let the man do some of the pursuing. When something comes too easily, it often isn't valued.
DEAR ABBY: We are invited to a renewing of the wedding vows of a couple who have been married for 10 years. (They're a young couple in their early 30s.)
We are trying to figure out if we have to give them another gift, since we gave them one when they were first married. Please help us out. -- BAFFLED IN BROOKLYN
DEAR BAFFLED: Call the couple and ask if (and where) they are registered. This will give them the chance to tell you whether or not gifts are expected.
A "renewal of vows" could be considered a fancy anniversary party, and if you attend, you should mark the occasion with some sort of gift. It doesn't have to be expensive -- it could be a photograph of you and the couple with a short paragraph sharing a happy memory; something associated with their hobbies or interests; or a tree or plant for their yard.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Woman Ready to Make Waves About Uninvited Guests in Pool
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a small community of fewer than 200 people. We installed a swimming pool in our back yard and made the mistake of allowing neighbors to come over to swim.
I recently started a home-based business, and one of my neighbors refuses to understand that I have to work. Even in the winter she comes over and sits on our yard furniture, waiting for me to come out and talk to her. In the summer, she comes unannounced and either sunbathes in our yard or swims in our pool. One day she caught my poor husband on the deck tanning in his birthday suit.
We have asked people to call before coming, but some of our neighbors have come to swim and left their kids there -- as though I am expected to baby-sit for them.
Have you anything I could laminate and post in my back yard that will remind my neighbors about observing common courtesy and not coming over unannounced? -- DESPERATE IN KANSAS
DEAR DESPERATE: There's an old saying, if folks take advantage of you once, shame on them; if they take advantage of you twice, shame on YOU.
You can put a stop to the drop-ins by becoming assertive. The next time you find your yard populated with uninvited guests, go outside and tell them, "I'm sorry, but today isn't a good day for me to have people use the pool. Next time, please call before coming over."
Some pool owners have solved the problem by installing a flagpole in their yards and raising a "welcome flag" when guests are invited to swim. Others post signs next to the pool area, stating that the pool is open to guests from ( ) to ( ) on specified days and that children must be supervised by parents at all times.
It is extremely important that you be properly insured because should someone be injured on your property, you would be liable -- so call your insurance agent and make certain your homeowner's insurance is current and adequate. Good luck.
P.S. Have you considered putting in a fence with a locked gate?
DEAR ABBY: My son and his wife have two children, a son, age 7, and a daughter, age 5. Every day when my son leaves for work, he drops his son off at school.
Before they leave the house, he takes his daughter to the bathroom and then she is locked in her bedroom until her mother gets out of bed.
I have tried telling them that this isn't right. To me, it is very dangerous -- and probably illegal -- to leave a young child locked in a room unattended. I also worry that it may cause psychological damage. Could you please give me some words that I can pass along to them? They refuse to take me seriously. -- SLEEPING BEAUTY'S MOTHER-IN-LAW
DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: It would be interesting to know how long and why your daughter-in-law stays in bed in the mornings. Could she be depressed? Substance-addicted? It is her responsibility to care for and supervise her daughter -- not (literally) lie down on the job until it's convenient.
Since your son and daughter-in-law are deaf to your concerns, please inform child protective services. I, too, am worried about the psychological implications for your grandchild.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)