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As Wedding Day Gets Closer, Bride to Be Wants to Be Free
DEAR ABBY: I am 24. My fiance is 28. We have been together for five years and are engaged to be married in August. I love him, but I wonder if I love him enough to marry him. The closer we get to our wedding, the more I want to be free.
I want to go out, have fun and not feel so serious about everything. He makes things so much more complicated than they have to be. I can't even suggest a place to go for dinner without him having to think it over.
I feel guilty because I feel less attracted to him all the time. Should I marry him? -- CLAUSTROPHOBIC IN SAN FRANCISCO
DEAR CLAUSTROPHOBIC: You may be experiencing pre-wedding jitters, but one thing is certain: You shouldn't say "I do" unless you mean it with all your heart. You and your fiance could benefit from premarital counseling. It is something that many churches offer and can be valuable for any couple considering a lifetime commitment. Only if you can accept your fiance the way he is should you go through with the marriage.
DEAR ABBY: I'm embarrassed to admit this, but my husband doesn't brush his teeth every day. To make matters worse, he wears upper dentures, which he soaks and cleans only about once a week. He hasn't been to a dentist in the 13 years we've been married, and I suspect he hadn't been for some time before that.
I have talked to him about how this limits my desire to kiss him. Smelling his breath from 3 feet away is something I can't ignore.
I have tried reasoning with him that dental health is part of a total health program, but he also hasn't been seen by a doctor in the time we've been married -- despite a family history of heart problems, prostate cancer and diabetes. He appears to be in good health, but I worry about him.
When I tell him how his lax dental hygiene affects my physical desire, he listens intently, says he understands -- and then nothing changes. I love him. We have a good marriage, but he simply won't budge. Please give me some advice. Perhaps if he sees this in the paper he'll recognize himself. -- LONGING FOR A SWEET-SMELLING KISS IN GEORGIA
DEAR LONGING: Don't bet on it. There is none so blind as he who will not see. Your husband also appears to have selective deafness when it comes to hearing something he'd rather not act upon.
Frankly, I don't know how you have stood it this long. Insist on "clearing the air" with a marriage counselor. Your husband's refusal to attend to his oral hygiene is childish and disrespectful. Ask for a referral to a health-care provider who is familiar with medical and dental phobias. The alternative is to spend the rest of your life wearing a clothespin on your nose when your husband feels amorous.
Boy Who Wears His Hair Long Tussles With Dad Who Doesn't
DEAR ABBY: I am an almost-14-year-old boy in Iowa. My father thinks my hair is too long and says I should get a summer cut -- short like his, of course. The reason, according to my mom, is adults have said how bad my hair looks. I believe if they're going to be so rude as to say that to my mom, I should keep it long to keep them mad.
I get the feeling that my dad is afraid, as a physician, that it's hurting his reputation.
Abby, I'm a good kid. I get straight A's. I'm involved in many constructive activities, and my hair is just a little over my ears, almost touching my T-shirt collar in the back, and my bangs are brushed to the side. Who's right here? -- IRRITATED IN IOWA
DEAR IRRITATED: You appear to be intelligent and a high achiever. Please don't let a power struggle over the length of your hair ruin your summer. A compromise may be in order. Take a long, hard look in the mirror. If a number of people have said your hair looks "bad," perhaps it could be shaped -- a little -- into something less shaggy and more flattering. If you're afraid your dad's barber might scalp you, consider consulting your mother's hairdresser. Where I live, it's common to see males in beauty salons because their girlfriends, wives or mothers have sent them there.
DEAR ABBY: Every year, on my in-laws' birthdays, I prepare a beautiful dinner, bake or purchase a decorated cake and buy them a nice gift. My parents do the same for my husband.
When my birthday comes, my in-laws acknowledge it with only a card. My husband has talked to them about it (they are well off financially and could afford to take us out for dinner if his mom doesn't want to cook), but they feel that a card is adequate. They say, "People shouldn't do things for others because they expect something back."
Am I wrong to expect some kind of reciprocation? Frankly, I'm hurt. -- SLIGHTED IN MISSOURI
DEAR SLIGHTED: Your feelings are justified. Although I agree that people should not do things for others because they expect something back, by putting forth no effort on your birthday, they are sending the message that they haven't accepted you as a daughter. Perhaps when their next birthdays roll around, their son should be the one to prepare the dinner, make sure there's a birthday cake and purchase their gift. If he remembers, that is.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a great marriage. We're crazy about each other. There's just one thing we can't seem to agree on: He wants to travel to faraway places and I don't. I even suggested that if it means that much to him, he could go with one of his friends or a family member. He insists that he doesn't want to go without me.
This issue isn't hurting our marriage, but it sure isn't helping it, either. Any suggestions? -- HOMEBODY IN NORFOLK, VA.
DEAR HOMEBODY: Everyone should have your problems -- a husband with an appetite for world travel, the pocketbook to back it up, and the desire to share the excitement of the adventure with his own true love. If I were you, I'd quit complaining and start packing.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
DEAR ABBY: I have read your column for years and usually agree wholeheartedly with your advice. However, I was stunned to read your reply to "On the Spot" in New Jersey, who chose not to invite her neighbor's 8- and 6-year-old children to her son's bar mitzvah.
Yes, it's true that children are invited to bar mitzvahs. But in this case, the neighbor's children are not family and are too young to be playmates of the bar mitzvah boy. The parents are within their rights to exclude these children from the guest list, especially when the cost of additional guests is taken into consideration. Furthermore, it was rude of the invitees to RSVP that their uninvited children would attend. -- LINDA M., ROCKVILLE, MD.
DEAR LINDA: You're right -- I goofed. My readers were quick to set me straight. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: I am 14 and recently had a bat mitzvah myself. I understand the situation. This was a challenge for our family, too.
Abby, these affairs are expensive, and it is not always affordable to include kids who are not close to the family. Also, young children can't sit through a three-hour service. That mother should discuss the situation with her neighbors and tell them that due to budget and space restrictions, the number of guests is limited. -- ASHLEY S., FOUNTAIN VALLEY, CALIF.
DEAR ASHLEY: Where were you when I needed you?
DEAR ABBY: The bottom line is, it takes "chutzpah" to include uninvited children. -- SUE K., WEST ORANGE, N.J.
DEAR SUE: It also takes a lot of nerve or gall ("chutzpah") to bring uninvited guests to weddings, anniversaries and other invitation-only events. However, if my mail is an indicator, chutzpah is one commodity that's never in short supply.
DEAR ABBY: I am planning a small, intimate wedding this summer. Most of our guests will be family and very close friends.
My mother asked me to invite a longtime friend and co-worker. We sent the woman a save-the-date card. When Mother saw her the next day at work, the friend said she would be happy to attend -- if she didn't have a "band gig." Mother felt embarrassed and slighted. She would now like to start working from home to avoid this person and has asked me not to send an invitation. What should I do? -- SOON-TO-BE BRIDE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR SOON-TO-BE-BRIDE: Since the co-worker has indicated that if a job comes up she might be absent, take the hint and don't send the invitation. Better that she was honest in advance about the fact she might be able to attend, rather than being a no-show.
P.S. Although your mother is disappointed, she should not let her co-worker's reaction spoil a warm workplace relationship. Avoiding the woman is not the answer. Forgiving her and moving on is.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)