For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: After reading your comment to "Young and in Love in Toronto" -- the 26-year-old woman who's in love with a 50-year-old man -- I was so hot under the collar that I had to take my dog for a two-mile walk, then cut and split a cord of wood in order to cool off. You see, I'll be 84 this year, so according to you, I am "doddering"!
I walk 18 holes of golf, square dance every Friday and alternate Saturday nights, am active in the community and am part-time editor of our local seniors newsletter. And this doddering octogenarian is being married this month to my square dance partner of the last four years, who is 18 years younger.
I hope you get a ton of mail from other doddering octogenarians. -- BOB F., CLAREMONT, CALIF.
DEAR BOB: Did I ever. I had no idea there were so many active seniors until I used the "d-word." I deserved 80 lashes with a wet noodle, and I got it. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My father is running, not "doddering," through his later years. I wouldn't be surprised if he lives to be 100. At 80, dear old Dad went to Mongolia, slept in tents and rode camels. He still works a full-time job, travels around the country and writes articles. He fishes, and walks an 18-hole golf course once a week -- and doesn't use a golf cart. His cholesterol is only 135, and his cardiologist says his heart is as healthy as it can be for an 82-year-old. Please rethink your advice to "Young and in Love." You never know -- that man might outlive her! -- CATHY U., CHOCKTAW, OKLA.
DEAR CATHY U.: You're right. No one has a contract with God.
DEAR ABBY: I resent the term "doddering." Every morning I walk briskly for 30 minutes and do 30 minutes of weight training three times a week. Last year I wrote lesson materials for beginner and intermediate courses in computer training for seniors, and taught the material in eight three-hour sessions at the local branch of the University of South Florida. I sit on the board of a nonprofit corporation, serve on the executive committee of the retirement community where we live and edit our monthly newsletter. I am 82 years old.
One of my neighbors, who is several years older than I, has decided to give up flying and sell his airplane. However, he continues to ride his motorcycle.
My wife volunteers at the regional hospital here. Of course, she's only 79. -- NOT DODDERING IN LAKELAND, FLA.
DEAR NOT: I'm sure many people far younger wish they could be as active and productive as you are. Including me.
Readers, a question I am frequently asked by women "of a certain age" is "where are all the good men?" Well, after reading the onslaught of mail I have received from outraged octogenarians, I have the answer: They're all over the place.
According to Dr. Gary Small, director of the UCLA Center on Aging and respected expert on healthy aging, people who stay active physically and mentally, who eat sensibly and watch their blood sugar, blood pressure and cholesterol levels, live fuller, longer and more vital lives. His new book, "The Memory Prescription" (Hyperion), details a program of diet, mental and physical exercise, and stress reduction that literally jump-starts brain and body fitness -- and his UCLA study backs it up.
Teen Must Decide if He Loves Alcohol or His Girlfriend More
DEAR ABBY: I have been seeing "Gil" for a little over seven months. I love him, but he drinks a lot. A couple of nights ago he called me, roaring drunk. I told him he needed to stop drinking.
He swore on the love he had for me that he would quit, and asked me how long I wanted him to stop for. I asked him to stop for one month. I told him that if he drank during the 30 days, I'd break up with him.
Now Gil says that the promise he made doesn't count because he was drunk when he made it. He says he would never have made such a promise if he'd been sober. He told me he could quit for a month if he wanted to, but he doesn't want to stop.
I don't think this is fair to me because he swore on the love he has for me. Should I keep my word and end the relationship if he drinks? He's only 17, and I don't want him to ruin his future. -- SAD IN TEXAS
DEAR SAD: He may be only 17, but your boyfriend is already a problem drinker. He may care for you, but it appears he loves his alcohol more. Much as you might wish to, you can't save another person; you can only save yourself. If you're as intelligent as I think you are, you'll keep your word and end the romance so you won't ruin YOUR future.
DEAR ABBY: My niece and nephew were living with their father, "Ron," and their stepmom, "Anita."
Ron walked out on Anita, and she turned and told the children -- ages 11 and 12 -- that it was their fault that their daddy left. They have since moved back with their mother, but they continue to cry and worry because of what Stepmommy Dearest said. (She had also hit my niece with her fist and lied about it when confronted.)
How can I help the children to adjust and understand? They are precious young people who badly need stability in their lives. -- DOTING AUNT IN ALABAMA
DEAR DOTING AUNT: What your niece and nephew need in their lives, even more than words, is continuity. Assure them that you will be there for them as long as they need you. Praise them for their good qualities. Explain that regardless of what may be said in the heat of anger, adults rarely end their marriages because of anything a child may have done.
Have their father repeat what you have said. From your description of the stepmother, everyone will be better off with her out of the picture.
DEAR ABBY: Our marriage was wonderful until my wife cut back on her Premarin. Now she's argumentative and her libido is shot. I'm really suffering. I want a wife, not a sister. I love her dearly, but had I known this was going to happen, I might not have married her. Is there any alternative to splitting up? -- DESPERATE IN ARIZONA
DEAR DESPERATE: Yes, and it involves your wife being willing to level with her gynecologist about the disappearance of her sex drive since she stopped taking the Premarin. Women have been helped by using small doses of testosterone, but this is something that needs to be determined by a physician.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
College Bound Girl Unfazed by Family's Lack of Support
DEAR ABBY: Please urge "Depressed About the Future" to complete her education. I, too, was a younger child (fourth out of five) and only the second of 27 grandchildren to go to college.
My mother ordered me not to talk about college around my siblings, and my brother said I was a snob for wanting a better education. I am so glad I didn't listen to them.
Both of my parents told me how proud they were of me when I received my first degree. And as adults, one sister has earned two B.A.s, and another sister and brother have taken many college classes. The brother who called me a snob is now in college at age 54. He still teases me about being "Susie Co-ed," but he loves college and regrets not having gone sooner. -- B.S., M.S., FROM OHIO
DEAR M.S.: I applaud your determination and perseverance -- and that's no B.S. Readers all over the country have written to offer advice and emotional support. Read on for some samples:
DEAR ABBY: When I was 15 I announced at the dinner table that I was going to college. My parents said I should forget it because they didn't have the money. I said, "If I want to go to college, I'll find a way." And I did! It was the most empowering thing I have ever done.
Please tell "Depressed" that no dream is too big. I am now a trained professional with a graduate degree. -- DID IT IN MARIETTA, GA.
DEAR DID IT: Bravo!
DEAR ABBY: My husband, Phil, and I were the first in our families to receive university degrees. We did it together, living in a one-room apartment near campus living on $90 a month from Phil's G.I. Bill. We ate lots of macaroni and cheese, attended a church within walking distance (we had no car), and graduated in three years with bachelor of science degrees. Later, we earned M.A.E. degrees by going to the university on Friday and Saturday nights. (I graduated with honors.) There is nothing as costly as NOT getting an education.
The best advice I can offer from the perspective of my own education, and that of the hundreds of college students I have taught, is this:
(1) Believe in yourself and do your best.
(2) Be enthusiastic and make friends.
(3) Wring from your college experience every opportunity to learn the basics in your chosen field, and attend the elective seminars -- the all-campus lectures -- to broaden your horizons.
(4) Learn to disagree without being disagreeable.
(5) Recognize learning as an introduction to learning more on your own.
(6) You owe it to yourself, your children, your employer and your community to GO FOR IT! -- M. BALLOU, Ph.D., Ed.D., PAST PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAN ASSOCIATION OF UNIVERSITY WOMEN
DEAR DR. BALLOU: You have my respect and admiration. Wouldn't it be wonderful to know how many thousands of young people your letter has inspired today?
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)