For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Wants a Baby Now, but Boyfriend Isn't Ready
DEAR ABBY: I am almost 22 and become very emotional when I hear about friends who are expecting. All my friends from high school have children. My mother already had two children by the time she was my age.
My boyfriend and I are madly in love; however, he continues to tell me he's not ready to be a parent. We don't take precautions when we have sex, but I haven't become pregnant yet.
Abby, should I be feeling desperate to have a child? Am I rushing parenthood? -- WANTS A BABY NOW
DEAR WANTS: Before you make a mistake that could affect three lives (yours, your boyfriend's and that of an innocent child), I urge you to get to the bottom of what's missing in your life that has made you "desperate" to fill that void with a baby. You have a way to go before you'll be ready to become a mother -- and your first stop along the way should be at the altar.
Parenthood can be rewarding and fulfilling, provided the couple is prepared, emotionally and financially, for the new arrival. But your boyfriend has made it clear that he isn't ready. Please respect that fact and do what is necessary to prevent a "surprise." Having a child because your parents had two at your age, or because your friends from high school have children, is a poor reason to become a parent.
DEAR ABBY: I am a college freshman (female), living more than 300 miles from home. Despite the distance and the fact that I am 18, I am still under my parents' thumb. They call me every day to ask what I ate for breakfast, lunch and dinner. They chose my major for me, and the prospect of spending my life in that profession doesn't thrill me.
I have never had the strength to tell my parents how I feel or what I think, even when I knew that they were wrong or unfair. I love them and respect their opinions, but I believe I deserve more input regarding my own future -- especially since I am paying more than half the cost of my education. How can I free myself from their well-meaning, but strangulating nets? -- FRUSTRATED IN NEW YORK
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Cutting the cord will take some work on your part. You are the "good child" who never questioned or rebelled, so it's entirely possible that your parents think you're in 100 percent agreement with them. The daily phone calls indicate that they're having trouble accepting that you have left the nest and are on your own.
The place to start is at the student health center, inquiring about counseling services. Your inability to stand up for yourself and express your true feelings can be remedied with assertiveness training and counseling, which will help you learn where your parents leave off and you begin. It may not be easy, but I assure you it will be time well spent.
DEAR ABBY: I invited a neighbor to my son's bar mitzvah. I did not invite their children, who are 8 and 6.
When they RSVP'd, they said that all four of them were attending. What can I do? -- ON THE SPOT IN NEW JERSEY
DEAR ON THE SPOT: You welcome them graciously. I am surprised that you excluded the children in the first place, since a bar mitzvah or bat mitzvah usually includes children, and is not considered an adults-only affair.
Neighbors' Friendship May Founder on Son's Misdeeds
DEAR ABBY: We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
This is not the first time Joey has vandalized our home or stolen from us, and we are fed up. It would be sad to sacrifice our relationship with his parents, but we don't know what else to do.
Should we press charges? Or would that open a whole new can of worms with Joey? Do you think he might take his anger out on our kids? I don't know what's best. Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do? -- HAD ENOUGH IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: I'd make my decision based on the number of times Joey had acted out. Since this is not the first time he has vandalized your home or stolen from you, I'd put the Smiths on notice that if anything further happens, the police will be involved. Their son is in serious need of counseling and possibly drug rehabilitation. Also, he needs to learn that there are serious consequences for his actions. If he threatens your children, it may be necessary to get a restraining order.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Roger," has some unusual "hobbies" that I don't know how to handle. He owns more than 24 cars. None of them run; they just sit and rot. He buys old airplanes, although he doesn't know how to fly -- and they, too, sit rusting away. He also collects cardboard boxes and anything in bulk. A few months ago, he bought 23 16-by-20 picture frames simply because they were on sale.
Roger ignores me. Unless I initiate a conversation, he does not talk. He won't talk to anyone; he just sits and reads.
With the promise of a new home as bait, he moved us out of state into a trailer park. But all our money has been spent on old vehicles.
Abby, my husband comes from a nice, well-to-do family. Roger has a college education and works for a large company, but sometimes I think he would like to be a hermit. What can I do? -- LIVING LIKE A HERMIT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LIVING: Talk to an attorney who specializes in family law and find out what your rights as a wife are in the state of California. Your husband appears to be eccentric by conventional standards, and possibly should be evaluated. If he won't consent to the evaluation, then please discuss it with his "nice, well-to-do family." But don't be surprised if they are already aware of it. These quirks have been known to run in families.
DEAR ABBY: Prom season is upon us. Thousands of beautiful gowns and handsome tuxes will be bought or rented.
Please suggest to your young readers that they can get more mileage out of those beautiful outfits by planning and presenting a fashion show or a tea for a local retirement home. Seniors in these facilities would love to see the girls in their gowns and the young men in their tuxes. This will not only bring back memories for the seniors, but will bring the "outside" and "inside" communities together in a way that will bring joy to young and old alike. -- PAT BRIDGES, TOPEKA, KAN.
DEAR PAT: What a delightful idea for a school club project. All it would take is someone with the willingness and skill to coordinate the event, and I'm sure the "models" would enjoy strutting their stuff. Perhaps the parents could split the cost of the tea, cookies or cake.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Boyfriend Away at College Worries Girl He Left Behind
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my boyfriend, "Donny," for some time. We love each other and would do anything for each other. I am 17 and a senior in high school. Donny is turning 19 and is a college freshman back East.
Donny's father is encouraging him to see other girls while he's in college. I am jealous and scared that Donny might cheat on me, because most of the relationships around me have failed because the man cheated on the woman. I am worried that this will happen to me -- especially because during Donny's phone call last night, he mentioned that a girl had flirted with him yesterday.
Deep down, I feel it would be easier to split up for the time being. I am torn, because I love Donny and can't stand being without him, but I also don't want to end up getting hurt. What should I do? Should I trust Donny or split up with him? -- TORN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TORN: I have a better idea. The next time you and Donny talk, tell him what you have told me. Then offer him the option of both of you dating others and hear what he has to say. Long-distance romances can be difficult, but my mail tells me that some of them work out. So hold a good thought, let Donny be part of the decision-making, and don't let the green-eyed monster wreck your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. We have two beautiful daughters under the age of 7 whom we adore. We put them first, before anything. My husband and I come from divorced parents, and we don't want to put our kids through it.
Lately, we have been fighting and our sex life has stopped. I don't find myself even remotely attracted to him, and I wonder what I ever saw in him. I am on the verge of an affair or divorce. What shall I do? -- DISTANCING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DISTANCING: Neither of the above. Every marriage has its ups and downs. For your children's sake, as well as your own, you owe it to yourselves to make the effort to figure out what has caused the two of you to drift apart. One effective way to do this is a program called National Marriage Encounter, which has helped many couples to fall in love all over again. Contact them by calling (800) 828-3351, or visiting the Web site at www.marriage-encounter.org.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. My parents are divorced. Mom has remarried. My father went with the same woman for two years, then realized he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her and broke it off.
Dad doesn't tell jokes like he used to, and rarely smiles anymore. I think he's depressed. Is there anything I can do? Or does he have to do it himself? -- UNHAPPY CAMPER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNHAPPY CAMPER: You are sweet to want to help your father, but he must go through this process on his own. Regardless of the reason for the breakup, he still devoted two years to that relationship -- and the fact that it didn't work out could be considered a loss. In time, he'll meet someone who will lift his spirits again.
P.S. He already has something to smile about. He has a wonderful daughter.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)