For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Neighbors' Friendship May Founder on Son's Misdeeds
DEAR ABBY: We are good friends with our neighbors the "Smiths." Our oldest son is their youngest son's best friend. The problem is their oldest son, "Joey." Tonight we came home to find that Joey had broken into our garage and stolen the liquor we had stored there. When Mr. and Mrs. Smith confronted him, he took off.
This is not the first time Joey has vandalized our home or stolen from us, and we are fed up. It would be sad to sacrifice our relationship with his parents, but we don't know what else to do.
Should we press charges? Or would that open a whole new can of worms with Joey? Do you think he might take his anger out on our kids? I don't know what's best. Part of me wants to throw the book at him; part of me is afraid of the repercussions. What would you do? -- HAD ENOUGH IN MINNESOTA
DEAR HAD ENOUGH: I'd make my decision based on the number of times Joey had acted out. Since this is not the first time he has vandalized your home or stolen from you, I'd put the Smiths on notice that if anything further happens, the police will be involved. Their son is in serious need of counseling and possibly drug rehabilitation. Also, he needs to learn that there are serious consequences for his actions. If he threatens your children, it may be necessary to get a restraining order.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Roger," has some unusual "hobbies" that I don't know how to handle. He owns more than 24 cars. None of them run; they just sit and rot. He buys old airplanes, although he doesn't know how to fly -- and they, too, sit rusting away. He also collects cardboard boxes and anything in bulk. A few months ago, he bought 23 16-by-20 picture frames simply because they were on sale.
Roger ignores me. Unless I initiate a conversation, he does not talk. He won't talk to anyone; he just sits and reads.
With the promise of a new home as bait, he moved us out of state into a trailer park. But all our money has been spent on old vehicles.
Abby, my husband comes from a nice, well-to-do family. Roger has a college education and works for a large company, but sometimes I think he would like to be a hermit. What can I do? -- LIVING LIKE A HERMIT IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR LIVING: Talk to an attorney who specializes in family law and find out what your rights as a wife are in the state of California. Your husband appears to be eccentric by conventional standards, and possibly should be evaluated. If he won't consent to the evaluation, then please discuss it with his "nice, well-to-do family." But don't be surprised if they are already aware of it. These quirks have been known to run in families.
DEAR ABBY: Prom season is upon us. Thousands of beautiful gowns and handsome tuxes will be bought or rented.
Please suggest to your young readers that they can get more mileage out of those beautiful outfits by planning and presenting a fashion show or a tea for a local retirement home. Seniors in these facilities would love to see the girls in their gowns and the young men in their tuxes. This will not only bring back memories for the seniors, but will bring the "outside" and "inside" communities together in a way that will bring joy to young and old alike. -- PAT BRIDGES, TOPEKA, KAN.
DEAR PAT: What a delightful idea for a school club project. All it would take is someone with the willingness and skill to coordinate the event, and I'm sure the "models" would enjoy strutting their stuff. Perhaps the parents could split the cost of the tea, cookies or cake.
Boyfriend Away at College Worries Girl He Left Behind
DEAR ABBY: I have been going out with my boyfriend, "Donny," for some time. We love each other and would do anything for each other. I am 17 and a senior in high school. Donny is turning 19 and is a college freshman back East.
Donny's father is encouraging him to see other girls while he's in college. I am jealous and scared that Donny might cheat on me, because most of the relationships around me have failed because the man cheated on the woman. I am worried that this will happen to me -- especially because during Donny's phone call last night, he mentioned that a girl had flirted with him yesterday.
Deep down, I feel it would be easier to split up for the time being. I am torn, because I love Donny and can't stand being without him, but I also don't want to end up getting hurt. What should I do? Should I trust Donny or split up with him? -- TORN IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR TORN: I have a better idea. The next time you and Donny talk, tell him what you have told me. Then offer him the option of both of you dating others and hear what he has to say. Long-distance romances can be difficult, but my mail tells me that some of them work out. So hold a good thought, let Donny be part of the decision-making, and don't let the green-eyed monster wreck your relationship.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 10 years. We have two beautiful daughters under the age of 7 whom we adore. We put them first, before anything. My husband and I come from divorced parents, and we don't want to put our kids through it.
Lately, we have been fighting and our sex life has stopped. I don't find myself even remotely attracted to him, and I wonder what I ever saw in him. I am on the verge of an affair or divorce. What shall I do? -- DISTANCING IN WASHINGTON
DEAR DISTANCING: Neither of the above. Every marriage has its ups and downs. For your children's sake, as well as your own, you owe it to yourselves to make the effort to figure out what has caused the two of you to drift apart. One effective way to do this is a program called National Marriage Encounter, which has helped many couples to fall in love all over again. Contact them by calling (800) 828-3351, or visiting the Web site at www.marriage-encounter.org.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. My parents are divorced. Mom has remarried. My father went with the same woman for two years, then realized he didn't want to spend the rest of his life with her and broke it off.
Dad doesn't tell jokes like he used to, and rarely smiles anymore. I think he's depressed. Is there anything I can do? Or does he have to do it himself? -- UNHAPPY CAMPER IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR UNHAPPY CAMPER: You are sweet to want to help your father, but he must go through this process on his own. Regardless of the reason for the breakup, he still devoted two years to that relationship -- and the fact that it didn't work out could be considered a loss. In time, he'll meet someone who will lift his spirits again.
P.S. He already has something to smile about. He has a wonderful daughter.
To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
Teen's Aggressive Advances Frighten Friend of His Mom's
DEAR ABBY: My friend "Sally" has a 14-year-old son I'll call Derek. He recently made sexual advances toward me. What frightened me was Derek's refusal to accept that I meant no when I refused and informed him that what he had in mind was immoral and illegal.
I threw the kid out of my house, called Sally, and asked her to keep her son away from me and my home. She refused to take me seriously.
The next day, I sent Sally a special delivery letter, repeating in writing how I felt about what Derek had done.
Abby, I understand that Derek is at an age when his hormones are raging, but his behavior was repulsive and offensive. I am afraid of him because he's bigger than I am -- and because he's been seen around my house late at night, according to one of my neighbors.
I live alone. Is there something I should do to protect myself? Or should I just wait to see what happens? -- FRIGHTENED BY A 14-YEAR-OLD PREDATOR
DEAR FRIGHTENED: If what your neighbor said is true, Sally's son has more problems than raging hormones. He also may be a Peeping Tom. Since peeping and prowling can escalate, the police should be notified. It appears that the boy needs help, and his mother is in denial. Do not procrastinate. You must protect yourself.
DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Roy," and I have been dating almost a year. We are both 21 but have known each other since we were 8. Lately, his mother has been making hurtful comments like, "Wow, you're not dressed like a slut today," or "How come you're always here when I come to see my son?"
I don't want to be disrespectful, but her comments are insulting. I don't dress like an extra in a music video. Having been brought up in a Christian home, and still living in one, I know the difference between cute clothes and trashy attire.
These comments from Ray's mother started when he and I began dating. I don't know if it's my clothes she hates, or if it's the fact that Roy and I are considering taking the next step.
It also bothers me that Roy doesn't say anything when his mother rips me to shreds. My mother told me to keep my distance from Roy's mom and make sure he knows how I feel about his silence.
Roy is a "mama's boy," so I don't expect him to say anything to his mother. I don't even expect him to understand how I feel. I just want to know the proper way to handle things the next time his mom criticizes me. -- THE GIRLFRIEND
DEAR GIRLFRIEND: Roy's mother sees you as a threat. Her comments are intended to drive you away. Unless Roy speaks up, her behavior will escalate. If you continue to tolerate her behavior, Roy's mother will make your life hell. And if you marry him, she will rule the roost.
Explain to Roy how hurtful his mother's comments are. Tell him that you will no longer tolerate them, and the next time she insults you, you will say, "Roy how do YOU feel about the way your mother is talking to me? Do you agree with her?" Make it clear that if he fails to stand up for you and tell his mother that he expects you to be treated with respect, the relationship is over.
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