What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
MOTHER STANDS HER GROUND ABOUT LETTING KIDS NEAR DOG
DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law bought a pit bull. Because I have small children and am concerned about their safety, I asked her not to bring the dog to my house. She agreed.
However, my in-laws frequently baby-sit our children. Although my mother-in-law promised that she would not allow the pit bull there when my children are at her home, my father-in-law now says that this places him in an awkward position. He doesn't want to choose between seeing his daughter -- who likes to bring her pit bull with her everywhere -- and having my kids there.
He has asked me to reconsider. I feel strongly that I should stand firm, even if it means my in-laws no longer baby-sit, which will be a loss to my children. What is your advice? -- WORRIED MOM IN ANN ARBOR
DEAR WORRIED MOM: Small children should not be left unsupervised with any breed of dog. Children are unpredictable and could unwittingly do something to frighten or agitate the animal.
It would be nice if you and your sister-in-law could coordinate the visits of the kids and the dog. However, if that is not possible, unless you are absolutely certain that your children would not be injured, it's better to err on the side of caution and stand firm.
DEAR ABBY: Our 27-year-old college-educated daughter, "Peggy," has announced her engagement to a high school dropout with an abusive past and a rap sheet longer than my monthly grocery list. He supports two teenage children from a previous relationship and has been in and out of jail for assault and battery and DUIs.
Peggy has lived with him for the past year and has stopped speaking to us because we won't pay for the wedding. She and my parents feel we are wrong for not supporting her and paying for the wedding. What is your opinion on this? She is marrying him against our wishes. -- UPSET PARENTS IN VIRGINIA
DEAR UPSET PARENTS: Please inform your daughter -- and your parents -- that a wedding is a GIFT, not an obligation on the part of the parents. For all of the reasons you have stated, you have ample reason not to pay for the wedding.
DEAR ABBY: I have a friend in her early 40s who is dying of cancer. "Claire" had a Class II pap test years ago, but she never went back for a recheck.
Claire now has only a short time left. She leaves an adoring husband and three teenagers. Please remind your readers once again how important it is to follow through as instructed by their physician. My friend's death might have been prevented. -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR GRIEVING: Sometimes people with many responsibilities place themselves low on their list of priorities. Your friend may have been one of those -- or she may have been afraid to return to the doctor. But one thing is certain, whatever bad news the doctor might have to deliver, the WORST is that because the patient procrastinated the condition has become so advanced that it's impossible to treat.
P.S. Test results are usually available in about a week. If a patient hasn't heard from the doctor's office by then, the patient should contact the doctor.
Ex Husband Still Persists in Clinging to Family Ties
DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for almost a year. It was an ugly divorce that became long, drawn-out and expensive. I have moved on with my life. My ex-husband, however, has not. He is in constant contact with my family.
My sister casually mentioned the other day that he had stopped by her office to "talk." He also calls my mother regularly and stops by her house to see her. He takes them to dinner and tries to act like nothing changed.
What he is really doing is getting information about my life while getting sympathy from them.
The final straw was learning that he had been invited to my nephew's graduation. I have explained to my family that I want no more contact with him and do not want to see him again. He told vicious lies and spread horrible rumors during the divorce that cost me all of our mutual friends. They all believed his lies and did not support me.
We had no children, so I see no reason to stay in contact. He won't let go of me and my family. What can I do? -- WANTS TO BE FREE IN ILLINOIS
DEAR WANTS TO BE FREE: It would be interesting to know why your family has continued to make him welcome. Are they enjoying the attention? The drama? Whatever the tie that's binding them, it is out of your control. And whether he is clinging to them out of neediness or the pleasure of sticking it to you is beside the point.
Even if the ghost of marriage past is lurking in the background, you ARE free. So live your own life, limit the amount of information you give to your family, and consider it "mind over matter." (You don't mind, and he don't matter.) The sooner you do, the sooner you will close the unhappy chapter of your life that includes him.
DEAR ABBY: I have a sticky situation at work. One of the men I work with, "Josh," likes to brag about all his sexual conquests. One of the women he brags about is "Pamela," another of my co-workers.
I don't think he's telling the truth because she is happily married. Should I tell her he's spreading rumors about her, or should I mind my own business? -- WONDER WHAT HE SEZ ABOUT ME
DEAR WONDER: By all means, tell Pamela what Josh is saying. She has a right to know and to defend herself. What Josh considers an affirmation of his charm may be construed as slander by her. And his harping on the topic of his sex life at the office could be considered sexual harassment. It won't stop until either you or Pamela complains to a supervisor.
DEAR ABBY: I am planning a 30th birthday party for my husband. I would like to invite friends and family to join us for dinner at my husband's favorite restaurant.
Because I have a small budget to work from and he has a large family, I can afford to pay only for my husband and me. Would it be OK to invite people to attend and ask them to pay for their own meal, and if so, how do I appropriately say that on the invitation? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN FREDERICK, MD.
DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: To invite people to a party and expect them to pay for their own meal is considered tacky. Since you can't afford to give your husband a party, instead invite your friends and his large family to your home after dinner to celebrate with dessert and coffee. That way you won't be criticized.
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)
ARGUMENTS ABOUT INTIMACY CREATE WRONG KIND OF HEAT
DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a man who is a really good friend of mine. We have great times together watching movies or just hanging out.
The problem is I want to be intimate more than he does. He's a once-a-month kind of guy. I'm a once-a-day kind of girl. We have had many arguments about this because it seems like he doesn't want me. He says that's not true, that he is just tired, or stressed, etc. -- the list is never-ending. We get along in every way except this one.
Am I being a baby, or is this not the relationship for me? -- NEEDS MORE IN MOLINE, ILL.
DEAR NEEDS MORE: Much as you may wish otherwise, he is not the man for you. You have a larger appetite than he can cater to. Marrying him will only compound your problem. Keep him as a friend if you can, but don't marry him.
DEAR ABBY: "Frank" and I have been married for three years, but we have known each other since 1994. When we first met, we both drank and partied a lot, but neither of us has had a drink in about seven years.
Three years ago, Frank started gambling. We used to do it for entertainment, but now he takes off for hours and won't answer his phone when he's at the casino. He has won thousands of dollars and lost more.
I have threatened Frank with divorce. I have told him to get out (but he won't leave), threatened to leave him (but I never have), and I have wept, begged, and even tried to ignore it.
I stay because I love him and want to help him with his problem, but I don't want to wind up living in a tent. Please help. -- LOSING BIG IN TUCSON
DEAR LOSING BIG: Your concerns are legitimate. It's no coincidence that your husband got hooked on gambling after he stopped drinking. It appears he traded one addiction for another.
A group that might help you is Gam-Anon Family Groups, a 12-step fellowship for husbands, wives, relatives and friends of compulsive gamblers -- people whose lives have been affected by their loved ones' problem. The phone number is 718-352-1671 and the Web site is www.gam-anon.org.
DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 32. He says he'll never leave my house or "me" until he's 40. He moved out twice, for no longer than two months each time. Then he came back, saying it was lonely and expensive.
I have talked to him about getting his own place, but he insists he wants to stay here. I can't seem to get him out. He's always wanting to get his laundry done -- by me. He says he can't do it himself. Help! -- CAN'T CUT THE APRON STRINGS
DEAR CAN'T: What makes you think your son will be willing to leave at the age of 40? He has room, board and maid service in your cozy nest.
Yes, living on one's own is expensive, and it can also sometimes be lonely. But learning to deal with life's tribulations is a part of growing up. You'll be doing your son a favor if you give him a deadline to move and insist he abide by it. And next time the laundry basket gets full, take him to a Laundromat and show him what to do.
P.S. He may need psychiatric counseling, so be prepared!
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)