Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Teens Too Old for Foster Care Find Help From Many Sources
DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter you received from "Lost in Alabama," a former foster child who had lived in an emergency shelter for seven months before being placed in a foster home for the week before she turned 18. The girl was allowed to call the shelter for a short time before finally being asked not to call anymore and told to "move on with her life."
You wisely advised her to contact the YWCA. YWCA associations offer a variety of services, and many of them provide transitional housing programs. The girl from Alabama can learn about resources provided by her local YWCA by going to the Web site at www.ywca.org.
Since passage of the Foster Care Independence Act in 1999, more assistance is available to this population. This legislation allowed states to extend Medicaid coverage up to age 21; permits youth to save money while in care to prepare for independence without their assets counting against their eligibility for foster care funding; provides funding to states for initial and ongoing training of foster parents; and created the Chafee Foster Care Independence Program. This program increased funding to states for independent living activities and offers increased assistance for room and board.
Youth should contact their state's foster care system to get more information about resources. If they have trouble navigating the system, the Child Welfare League of America may be able to assist: www.cwla.org. -- KELLY BELL-McGLOTHAN, YWCA OF FORT WORTH/TARRANT COUNTY
DEAR KELLY: Since that letter ran, I have been told that nearly 25,000 young people "age out" of the foster care system each year -- and few, if any of them, have the necessary skills to live on their own. I congratulate you for the work you are doing with this underserved population. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: "Lost" and all other teens in foster care should reach out and ask for help. They don't have to wait until they are 18 to do it. Teens in foster care need adults to step forward and help them reach their goals.
Agencies that can refer young people to help in their local communities include the local CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate) programs and Foster Parent Associations. A good online resource is Foster Club (www.fosterclub.com). Casey Family Programs also has a set of self-directed planning tools for youth at its Web site: www.casey.org/Resources/Tools/CaseyLifeSkills.htm. -- JANIS AVERY, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, TREEHOUSE, SEATTLE
DEAR JANIS: Thank you for sharing these valuable resources. Several other caring readers also pointed out that Job Corps helps youth between the ages of 16 and 24. Young people can live on-site for up to two years while working on their education and job-training skills. They receive free room, board, medical and dental care in addition to counseling and a small stipend. The Web site is www.jobcorps.org and the toll-free number is (800) 733-5627.
Additional resources for young people in need of assistance include Catholic Charities and the Orphan Foundation of America, which also helps youth in the foster care system. The Orphan Foundation can be reached at www.orphan.org or by calling (571) 203-0270.
DAY OF REMEMBRANCE HONORS THOSE WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES
DEAR ABBY: Today is Memorial Day, and I am again asking for your help in encouraging your readers to join in the National Moment of Remembrance.
All Americans, wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time, are asked to pause for a moment of reflection on Memorial Day to honor those who have died for our country.
The National Moment of Remembrance is not a ceremony. It does not replace traditional Memorial Day events. It's an act of conscience and heart, respect and appreciation. It can be a simple gesture -- such as placing your hand over your heart or ringing a bell.
This year, the White House Commission on Remembrance, with the support of the National Association for Music Education, Bugles Across America and the Getzen Instrument Co., are inviting trumpet players across the country to play "Taps" at 3 p.m. on Memorial Day for the Moment's "Echoes of Remembrance" throughout America. (Visit www.remember.gov for more information.)
The goal is to put "memorial" back into Memorial Day, because a Gallup poll indicated that only 28 percent of American citizens realize the true meaning of this holiday. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: I'm pleased to pass along your message.
Readers, since our nation was founded, almost 2 million men and women have given their lives to defend the principles for which our country stands. On this day, of all days, their noble sacrifices should be remembered and acknowledged. Please join me at 3 p.m. in giving them the heartfelt tribute they deserve.
DEAR ABBY: I am happily married; my husband, "Jim," would do anything for me.
There is only one problem. I think I am insane. I have no valid reason to think he's cheating on me and he assures me he's not, but I make up scenarios in my head. They escalate to the point where I accuse him, and he looks at me like I'm nuts. He asks why I would think he cheats and swears that he'd never do that to me.
An example: Today we went out to eat with his family. His sister brought a friend along. She introduced her to all of us. I was introduced as Jim's wife, of course.
Jim and I met his sister's friend at the same time. They didn't talk to each other or even look at each other all day. Jim held my hand, hugged me, and was as loving as always.
All the while, I was cooking up ideas in my head like: Maybe he goes over to his sister's house and sees her, and they're not talking to each other because they don't want me to get suspicious.
I have never been cheated on in my life by any man, yet I have been this way in all my serious relationships.
I am in my early 20s. I have a 5-year-old son, a husband I love, and yet I can't help accusing him of cheating. Even when he shaves, I think he's doing it for someone else.
Can you advise me what to do? -- POSSIBLY INSANE IN MISSOURI
DEAR POSSIBLY INSANE: My goodness. You certainly have an active fantasy life -- and all of it negative. Could you be watching too many soap operas? Did your father cheat on your mother? Whatever is going on, your thinking is self-defeating.
Since you know rationally that your problem is all in your head, the quickest way to figure out what's going on in there would be to ask your physician for a referral to a qualified psychotherapist. Please don't put it off, or your worst fears could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Regrets Throwing Away Her Chance for Lifelong Love
DEAR ABBY: I married young. We had four children who are now grown. I went through a mid-life crisis in my 30s and ran around doing whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted. My husband, "Louie," begged me to stop, but I didn't. So Louie divorced me and married a woman I'll call Melody.
It's been eight years since the divorce. Louie has told my mother and our children that he still loves me and will till the day he dies. I feel the same way about Louie, but I will not go back with him.
Why? Because when my car broke down, it was Melody who picked me up. When I was sick, Melody brought me my meals. She is a sweet, caring woman who wouldn't hurt a fly, and I cannot cause her pain she doesn't deserve.
The moral: If you have someone who loves you, do not throw it away. Love is a rare and precious thing that doesn't come along all that often. -- SADDER BUT WISER
DEAR SADDER: That's true. However, you'll be a lot happier if you stop looking backward. You have matured emotionally since your 30s. You have also learned important lessons about life. Stop dwelling on the past and focus your energies on looking ahead. If you do, it is possible that you'll meet someone and be able to rebuild your life.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend introduced me to a guy about a year ago. "Arthur" was two months out of a three-year relationship. I was leery about getting involved with him, but he was the sweetest, most attractive guy I'd met in years.
Arthur called when he said he would, brought me flowers on every date, and I could discuss anything with him. I've never had such a perfect balance of physical and emotional stability in a relationship.
After two months, Arthur told me he wasn't sure he should be with me because he still wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. He said he was falling in love with me and it scared him. I was hurt and upset. He cried and begged me not to hate him.
I didn't see Arthur for six months. I ran into him last week and we started talking again. Arthur wants to start seeing me again, but I'm afraid I'll end up getting hurt. I want to be with him, but I don't want him to break my heart. What should I do? -- AFRAID OF GETTING HURT AGAIN
DEAR AFRAID: You say it has been six months? He may have gotten his former girlfriend out of his system by now. Take it slowly. Give him a chance, but be cautious. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know who to talk about this with, so I'm coming to you. I'm in foster care and living with a nice, loving family. I'll have a new sister because they are adopting me. She is always asking, "Where is your mom?" I always say, "I don't know where my mom went," but I have this weird feeling in my stomach that she doesn't want me to be part of her family.
Part of me thinks she is getting used to the idea that she's getting an older sister, but I don't know if I am picking the right family to live with for the rest of my life. Please help me. -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK
DEAR WORRIED: Tell your foster parents what you are feeling. It is possible that they need to reassure their daughter, who may be feeling some sibling rivalry. Counseling could also be helpful in putting your fears to rest. Talk to the social worker who is handling the adoption. He or she can see that you get it. I wish you the best of luck and a happy future.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)