DEAR ABBY: Our 20-year-old daughter was suspended from a small private university. We offered her tutors, lessons or a transfer to any number of other schools around the country to help her find the right field of study. She refused. She can do the work; she was just not motivated.
She now wants to attend a large university in another state to be near her boyfriend. We suspect that they want to live together. He smokes dope and lives on welfare, and this is unacceptable to us.
She says she's finally finding her backbone and becoming independent. We told her that being independent means assuming financial responsibility for oneself, and that we will no longer provide anything beyond medical and dental coverage for her. She thinks we're cutting the purse strings on her new "college lifestyle" because we don't like her boyfriend, which is true.
Are we being unreasonable? Also, any advice on the fastest way to get that oaf out of the picture would be appreciated. -- MAD-AS-A-HORNET MOM IN VIRGINIA
DEAR MOM: Refusing to subsidize her "live-in" lifestyle is not being unreasonable. It's your money, and you can spend it -- or not -- as you see fit.
Let her know that as an adult, her choices are her own. If she chooses to get a job and work her way through school in order to be close to her boyfriend, that is her choice. It would be nice if she had a self-supporting, upwardly mobile love interest -- but since she doesn't, and she's determined to live with him, she must pay the price.
As to the fastest way to get "the oaf" out of the picture, here's what NOT to do: Do not bad-mouth him. It will only make her defensive and drive them closer together.