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HIGH-FLYING TEST PILOT REFUSED TO LET COLOSTOMY GROUND HIM
DEAR ABBY: "B.J. in Georgia" was seeking support from others who have had a permanent colostomy. He seemed down in the dumps. I'm here to say there is definitely life after such an operation.
I was operated on 20 years ago. I resumed riding my motorcycle a month afterward, and my exercise running program soon thereafter. At the time, I was directing the flight testing department for a major combat aircraft manufacturer, and flying F-16s on test flights. Within four months I was again flying the ultra-performance F-16s with no difficulty.
The permanent colostomy need not be a show-stopper or agent of great change in one's lifestyle. I'm now retired and lead an active life at 72, and yes, I'm still riding my motorcycle. -- PHIL IN FORT WORTH
DEAR PHIL: It would be an understatement to say that you qualify as a role model for B.J. and others facing this kind of surgery. I have been inundated with messages of support for him. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: A permanent colostomy is not the end of the world. I am a strong believer that a person has two choices: Feel sorry for yourself and stop living, or get up, brush yourself off, and go back to what you were doing before the surgery. The latter course of action has worked well for me.
If B.J. can do something similar, he'll find that his surgery and colostomy will not greatly hinder his ability to live a good life. I hope that knowing he isn't the only one with this problem will be of help and comfort. -- "GLASS" IN EDMONDS, WASH.
DEAR "GLASS": You have a healthy outlook. Thank you for sharing your philosophy, because it can benefit B.J. and many more people who are coping with a variety of challenges.
DEAR ABBY: Please assure B.J. that he's not alone. My husband had an ostomy six years ago. Common sense, a desire to live, a loving and supportive family, an excellent surgeon and a good ostomy nurse at the hospital have helped tremendously. My husband swims with his shirt off at the beach, plays golf, hikes, travels, and has a full life in all respects. He isn't missing a thing, and neither am I -- and B.J. shouldn't either. -- NANCY IN ANDERSON, IND.
DEAR NANCY: I'm sure he won't. A reader named Lester in Milwaukee informed me that after his colostomy 27 years ago, he has played racquetball, lifted weights and hiked. It's a matter of attitude.
DEAR ABBY: The Wound, Ostomy and Continence Nurses (WOCN) Society is a professional specialty organization of nurses who treat individuals with wounds, ostomies and incontinence. Studies substantiate that when a WOC nurse specialist is involved with the care of patients with ostomies, everyone benefits.
We develop individualized rehabilitation plans to facilitate the patient's return to a productive lifestyle. We help to select the optimal stoma site, provide patient and family education and follow-up care, and promote rehabilitation.
Our Web site is www.wocn.org, and our phone number is (888) 224-9626 for those who would like more information. -- LAURIE McNICHOL, MSN, CWOCN, PRESIDENT
DEAR LAURIE: Thank you for the helpful information. Another excellent resource for information is the American Cancer Society: (800) 227-2345, or www.cancer.org.
Promise Without Proposal Is Last Straw for Hopeful Bride
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old mother of four and have lived with "Arnold" for 18 years. Arnie has always promised he'd marry me "someday," and I believed him -- until last Valentine's Day.
Before Valentine's Day, I had been dropping hints about how romantic it would be if he proposed on that day. We found a sitter and he took me to a fancy restaurant for dinner. I was thrilled, because it was the first time we'd been out alone in a long time.
My heart was pounding all through dinner because I thought this would be the night. Arnie kept repeating how much he loved me -- something he has a hard time saying. But that's as far as it went! When we were walking to the car, I finally said, "You're not going to pop the question, are you?" He then removed a tiny ring from his pocket and said, "This is a promise ring. I promise to marry you -- someday."
I was devastated. It was as though we were teenagers and he was asking me to go steady. Arnie went on to add that he "wasn't ready" for marriage yet. Well, I don't think he'll EVER be ready!
Am I wrong to expect this man to make a legal commitment? For heaven's sake, we have four children together! We have been a couple for almost two decades. Brides are supposed to be young and pretty. I'm turning old and gray with every day that passes. Should I continue to hang onto the hope that Arnie will keep his "promise" -- or is it time to leave? -- MOTHER OF HIS CHILDREN IN CANADA
DEAR MOTHER: You have been patient long enough. Arnold's promise was an empty one and an insult. If marriage is what you want, please don't wait until your grandchildren or great-grandchildren are old enough to be your flower girls and ring bearers. I recommend consulting an attorney to find out what your common-law rights are. You've put your money on the wrong horse.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 16-year-old girl. My grandparents have raised me because my mom is a drug addict who couldn't take care of herself, much less me. Dad was an alcoholic and took drugs, too.
The police caught Mom with drugs several times and put her in jail. Her parole officer made her go to rehab, but it didn't work very well. She needed a place to stay when she got out, so my grandparents let her stay here for a while. They kicked her out when she came home high.
Mom works at a strip club now. It embarrasses me to have a mother who's a stripper, and we argue a lot when she comes by. She tells me my grandparents are to blame for what she does because they didn't let her live with them.
I hate the fights. But I hate even more the fear that someone may recognize her and think I'm like her. I'm not.
Should I ask my grandparents to move a long way away, so I won't have to worry? Or should I ask to be put in a foster home in another state, or what? -- ASHAMED IN OHIO
DEAR ASHAMED: None of the above. You are your own person, and you have done nothing for which you should be ashamed. Concentrate on your grades and extracurricular activities where your talents can shine. And if anyone mentions your mother, hold your head up and tell the person her problems are her own and you're living your own life. It's true.
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DEAR ABBY: "Krista in Jacksonville" complained that her husband sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house and scares her. He also appears out of nowhere when she's in the shower. You advised her that his behavior is childish and a touch sadistic -- and told her to hang bells on her door frames and lock the bathroom door.
While your answer was good, you may have overlooked something. Sneaking up on someone, especially a spouse, could be considered a precursor to an abusive relationship. The person doing the sneaking has the control and is doing it to scare the other person. I think Krista and her husband should get marital counseling. -- SEEN IT BEFORE IN BOISE
DEAR SEEN IT BEFORE: While I did not consider the husband's behavior to be ominous, your point is worth considering. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: My father used to do the same thing to my mother (and me and my siblings) until he caught her off guard one night when she nearly slapped him back into the previous week. (She claimed it was a reflex.) He's never sneaked up on any of us again. -- ANDREA IN BARSTOW, CALIF.
DEAR ANDREA: He should have considered himself lucky. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: It was with a knowing smile that I read Krista's letter. Unfortunately, sneaking up on her could put her husband's life in danger. My husband used to enjoy doing that, too, that is, until one evening when I was in the kitchen cutting some meat for dinner, and he scared me. Without meaning to, I almost stabbed him. Thankfully, I missed. Needless to say, it hasn't happened again. Ever since that incident, he always announces his presence. As a matter of fact, he kind of reminds me of the old TV series where the husband would walk in the door and holler, "Honey, I'm home!" -- MEGAN IN WYOMING
DEAR MEGAN: That's one way to get your "point" across.
DEAR ABBY: My husband also liked to scare me. One night he came up from behind as I was leaving the bathroom. The hallway light was off and, not knowing who or what was behind me, my reaction was one of self-defense. I turned and hit as hard as I could.
Ten years have passed since that incident, and I recently heard him telling our kids the story of why not EVER to scare Mama. -- PATRICIA IN MANHATTAN BEACH
DEAR PATRICIA: It seems you made a lasting impression.
DEAR ABBY: Regarding the letter from "Krista in Jacksonville," and her husband who sneaks up behind her when she's alone in the house: I notice she didn't mention why he persists in doing it.
I used to "surprise" my girlfriend like that, but in retrospect, I wasn't admitting even to myself that I expected to find her with someone else. -- FORMER TIPTOER IN GAINESVILLE, FLA.
DEAR FORMER TIPTOER: It would be interesting to know whether your fears were justified. The kind of insecurity you describe feeds upon itself, and no amount of reassurance can make it go away. It is telling that you use the past tense to describe that relationship. Thank you for laying it on the line and providing food for thought to readers of both sexes.
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