For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DAY OF REMEMBRANCE HONORS THOSE WHO GAVE THEIR LIVES
DEAR ABBY: Today is Memorial Day, and I am again asking for your help in encouraging your readers to join in the National Moment of Remembrance.
All Americans, wherever they are at 3 p.m. local time, are asked to pause for a moment of reflection on Memorial Day to honor those who have died for our country.
The National Moment of Remembrance is not a ceremony. It does not replace traditional Memorial Day events. It's an act of conscience and heart, respect and appreciation. It can be a simple gesture -- such as placing your hand over your heart or ringing a bell.
This year, the White House Commission on Remembrance, with the support of the National Association for Music Education, Bugles Across America and the Getzen Instrument Co., are inviting trumpet players across the country to play "Taps" at 3 p.m. on Memorial Day for the Moment's "Echoes of Remembrance" throughout America. (Visit www.remember.gov for more information.)
The goal is to put "memorial" back into Memorial Day, because a Gallup poll indicated that only 28 percent of American citizens realize the true meaning of this holiday. -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON REMEMBRANCE
DEAR CARMELLA: I'm pleased to pass along your message.
Readers, since our nation was founded, almost 2 million men and women have given their lives to defend the principles for which our country stands. On this day, of all days, their noble sacrifices should be remembered and acknowledged. Please join me at 3 p.m. in giving them the heartfelt tribute they deserve.
DEAR ABBY: I am happily married; my husband, "Jim," would do anything for me.
There is only one problem. I think I am insane. I have no valid reason to think he's cheating on me and he assures me he's not, but I make up scenarios in my head. They escalate to the point where I accuse him, and he looks at me like I'm nuts. He asks why I would think he cheats and swears that he'd never do that to me.
An example: Today we went out to eat with his family. His sister brought a friend along. She introduced her to all of us. I was introduced as Jim's wife, of course.
Jim and I met his sister's friend at the same time. They didn't talk to each other or even look at each other all day. Jim held my hand, hugged me, and was as loving as always.
All the while, I was cooking up ideas in my head like: Maybe he goes over to his sister's house and sees her, and they're not talking to each other because they don't want me to get suspicious.
I have never been cheated on in my life by any man, yet I have been this way in all my serious relationships.
I am in my early 20s. I have a 5-year-old son, a husband I love, and yet I can't help accusing him of cheating. Even when he shaves, I think he's doing it for someone else.
Can you advise me what to do? -- POSSIBLY INSANE IN MISSOURI
DEAR POSSIBLY INSANE: My goodness. You certainly have an active fantasy life -- and all of it negative. Could you be watching too many soap operas? Did your father cheat on your mother? Whatever is going on, your thinking is self-defeating.
Since you know rationally that your problem is all in your head, the quickest way to figure out what's going on in there would be to ask your physician for a referral to a qualified psychotherapist. Please don't put it off, or your worst fears could become a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Woman Regrets Throwing Away Her Chance for Lifelong Love
DEAR ABBY: I married young. We had four children who are now grown. I went through a mid-life crisis in my 30s and ran around doing whatever I wanted with whomever I wanted. My husband, "Louie," begged me to stop, but I didn't. So Louie divorced me and married a woman I'll call Melody.
It's been eight years since the divorce. Louie has told my mother and our children that he still loves me and will till the day he dies. I feel the same way about Louie, but I will not go back with him.
Why? Because when my car broke down, it was Melody who picked me up. When I was sick, Melody brought me my meals. She is a sweet, caring woman who wouldn't hurt a fly, and I cannot cause her pain she doesn't deserve.
The moral: If you have someone who loves you, do not throw it away. Love is a rare and precious thing that doesn't come along all that often. -- SADDER BUT WISER
DEAR SADDER: That's true. However, you'll be a lot happier if you stop looking backward. You have matured emotionally since your 30s. You have also learned important lessons about life. Stop dwelling on the past and focus your energies on looking ahead. If you do, it is possible that you'll meet someone and be able to rebuild your life.
DEAR ABBY: My best friend introduced me to a guy about a year ago. "Arthur" was two months out of a three-year relationship. I was leery about getting involved with him, but he was the sweetest, most attractive guy I'd met in years.
Arthur called when he said he would, brought me flowers on every date, and I could discuss anything with him. I've never had such a perfect balance of physical and emotional stability in a relationship.
After two months, Arthur told me he wasn't sure he should be with me because he still wasn't over his ex-girlfriend. He said he was falling in love with me and it scared him. I was hurt and upset. He cried and begged me not to hate him.
I didn't see Arthur for six months. I ran into him last week and we started talking again. Arthur wants to start seeing me again, but I'm afraid I'll end up getting hurt. I want to be with him, but I don't want him to break my heart. What should I do? -- AFRAID OF GETTING HURT AGAIN
DEAR AFRAID: You say it has been six months? He may have gotten his former girlfriend out of his system by now. Take it slowly. Give him a chance, but be cautious. Nothing ventured, nothing gained.
DEAR ABBY: I don't know who to talk about this with, so I'm coming to you. I'm in foster care and living with a nice, loving family. I'll have a new sister because they are adopting me. She is always asking, "Where is your mom?" I always say, "I don't know where my mom went," but I have this weird feeling in my stomach that she doesn't want me to be part of her family.
Part of me thinks she is getting used to the idea that she's getting an older sister, but I don't know if I am picking the right family to live with for the rest of my life. Please help me. -- WORRIED IN NEW YORK
DEAR WORRIED: Tell your foster parents what you are feeling. It is possible that they need to reassure their daughter, who may be feeling some sibling rivalry. Counseling could also be helpful in putting your fears to rest. Talk to the social worker who is handling the adoption. He or she can see that you get it. I wish you the best of luck and a happy future.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Drama Queen Casts Shadow on Sister's Wedding Plans
DEAR ABBY: I am being married in a couple of months. My biggest worry is that my sister, "Virginia," will do something to ruin my wedding day. She has never been able to handle not being the center of attention, and has caused more scenes and dropped more "bombshells" than I can count.
Some examples: Virginia announced her engagement to a man she had met two weeks earlier on Thanksgiving. She eloped with him on New Year's Eve -- then divorced him in a hurry so she could marry husband No. 2 in time for Valentine's Day. She has started screaming matches in the middle of Christmas dinners, and she and one of her boyfriends had a knock-down-drag-out fight at a relative's wedding reception that embarrassed our entire family.
I know Virginia's behavior stems from deep self-esteem issues and emotional problems, and I feel sorry for her. But honestly, I'd like to have just one drama-free family event where everyone enjoys themselves instead of waiting for the next bomb to drop.
Our parents are no help. Mother excuses everything Virginia does by saying, "We need to be more supportive of her and keep our mouths shut." My father copes by steering clear of the whole thing.
I am seriously considering eloping because I don't see any other way to avoid having Virginia attend my wedding. The sad part is, I will regret not having my parents, family and friends around me on my happy day. My fiance knows my sister is big trouble and says he'll support whatever decision I make. Any advice on how I can have my wedding cake and eat it, too? -- BRIDE-TO-BE IN GEORGIA
DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: Have a private sisterly chat with Virginia and tell her your concerns, because it appears they are valid. Your sister may not be conscious of what she's been doing. That said, take the precaution of asking some of your relatives to escort her out if she starts a scene.
You and your fiance appear to be mutually supportive. I wish you every happiness on your wedding day.
DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of five sons, and I'm concerned about kids not getting the facts of life from their parents.
My husband thought that warning the boys "not to do it" was enough. So, while their dad was away, I sat each son down privately and gave him "the facts." I also spelled out exactly what his responsibilities would be.
I made it clear that if my son was having a sexual encounter, he was to ALWAYS use a condom -- even if the girl said she was on the pill or "safe." I told him that if he was too embarrassed to buy them himself, I would provide them.
I emphasized that by being careful and prepared, he and the girl could avoid a sexually transmitted disease or an unwanted pregnancy.
Abby, my five sons are now 21 to 31. None of them became a teenage parent.
Mothers, please don't leave "the talk" to your husband. Some fathers do an excellent job, but if you have one like mine, you owe it to your children (and their future mates and your future grandchildren) to keep these young people tuned in, safe and healthy. -- PROUD OF MY FIVE SONS
DEAR PROUD: You are a woman after my own heart -- an activist. You wisely opened an important dialogue with your sons, rather than risking that they'd get misinformation about this important subject from their peers. Other parents can learn from you.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)