Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Skylar," just started middle school, and she has fallen in with the wrong crowd. She walks around the house with a chip on her shoulder, wearing what looks to us like boys' clothes. She curses and lies, and she and her new friends have vandalized the girls' restroom four times. Her latest trick is to forge my signature on school papers.
I have discussed these problems with the school. They suggested counseling and therapy. What I want is advice on how to discipline Skylar for all the wrongs she has done.
How do I guide my daughter down the right path? -- UNABLE TO DISCIPLINE
DEAR UNABLE: Guiding a child down the "right path" involves more than discipline; it involves open communication and the assurance that he or she is loved. If Skylar were my daughter, the first thing I'd do is have her tested for drugs. If she tested positive, I would start her in a rehab program and possibly place her in another school.
If she tested "clean," I'd do exactly as the school suggested and get counseling and therapy for her. In fact, counseling for your entire family would be a good idea, because it appears that Skylar is not the only one who could use some help. Your parenting skills may need to be upgraded.
DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are concerned that his father may be in the early stages of Alzheimer's disease. He's doing childish things like biting my daughter (only with his upper dentures, not his lower ones), hitting her, and getting mad when she "tattles" on him.
He can no longer remember simple things and even forgot to take my daughter to school one day. My mother-in-law keeps putting off talking to him, and says she'll do it "after the holidays," "after his birthday," then "after Father's Day" -- you get the picture.
We are worried that he will become worse and there will never be "a better time" to tell him. I want to talk to my father-in-law myself, but my husband thinks his mother should do it.
I don't want my 4-year-old to think it's OK to bite and hit, or that this is appropriate behavior for her to copy in preschool. -- TROUBLED IN KENTUCKY
DEAR TROUBLED: There are other dementias in addition to Alzheimer's. Your father-in-law should be scheduled immediately for a complete physical and neurological evaluation. Tell the doctor what you have told me. His behavior with your little girl is inappropriate, and if he is so impaired that he forgot to take her to school, he should not be behind the wheel of a car.
Please do not allow this to continue. Your first obligation must be the physical and emotional well-being of your daughter.
DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem. This boy I like, "Terry," told me over the phone and the Internet that he thought I was "hot" and he loved me, but his best friend's brother, "Rick," told me different. Rick said that Terry hates me, thinks I'm ugly, and I should never call or e-mail him again.
Who should I believe? I'm really confused. -- HEARTSICK IN WAVERLY, OHIO
DEAR HEARTSICK: Tell Terry what Rick said. It's possible that Rick also likes you and wants you for himself, so don't be so quick to believe what he said.
Hold those calls and e-mails for a while. If Terry calls and e-mails you, the chances are he likes you. However, until you are absolutely certain about his feelings, be cautious about the way you respond to his e-mails and about what you say on the phone. It could prevent embarrassment later.
Mom's Method of Motivation Is Really Just Verbal Abuse
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my last report card, my relationship with my mother has deteriorated. I got all A's and B's and have a 3.78 GPA. However, this isn't good enough for Mom.
My mother went to Harvard and doesn't understand why I can't get a 4.0. She has started telling me what a failure I am, that I am worthless and have ruined her life. I know she's probably saying these things without thinking, but it still hurts. She doesn't apologize after her temper dies down -- she just acts like everything is OK.
I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. When I try to talk to her about it, she turns it around and says I deserve this treatment because I am a failure. I'm really hurting and don't know what to do. -- SAD DAUGHTER IN MANHATTAN BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR SAD DAUGHTER: I disagree with your mother. Although she may think she is motivating you to do better, telling a child that she is worthless, a failure, and that she has "ruined her life" is verbal abuse. Please talk to an adult relative or counselor at school about interceding on your behalf with your mother, because her standards are unrealistic, and her method is destructive.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. He's a great father and a hard worker. He has always been good to me -- until a year ago when he came to me and confessed that he'd cheated on me with my best friend. I was devastated. The friendship was over, and I made my husband leave.
After things calmed down, we decided to try and work things out because we still loved each other and wanted to try -- not just for us -- but for our children.
I'm trying to pick up the pieces and trust him again, but there's a problem. His job takes him out of town for days at a time, and when he comes home, I'm always checking his cell phone and credit card bills for any sign that he's been unfaithful again. It's been more than a year, but I still don't trust him -- or anyone, for that matter. When he's home, we argue a lot.
The other day, he said, "Let's get the kids, take off for the weekend and renew our vows, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Our anniversary is coming up, but I thought it was an odd suggestion, given all our problems. I'm confused and deeply hurt and don't know what I should do. Can you help me? -- NO LONGER TRUSTING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO LONGER TRUSTING: Your husband suggested renewing your vows because he loves you and wants to make a fresh start. It's his way of trying to heal your marriage. However, what's ailing your marriage is the fact you no longer trust him and really haven't forgiven him for straying. Marriage counseling could help you both get past this. Once you have truly forgiven and are ready to make a fresh start, then renewing your vows is a wonderful idea.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and a cutter. I see a counselor and I used to be suicidal. I want to take medication so I can stop cutting, but I don't know how to tell my mom. What should I do? -- TROUBLED TEEN IN TEXAS
DEAR TROUBLED TEEN: Since you feel unable to discuss the subject with your mother, the next time you see your counselor, ask the counselor to help you talk to her. If medication is indicated for your problem, I'm sure the counselor will be happy to facilitate the conversation -- or even talk to your mother for you.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)
STEP-GRANDCHILDREN DESERVE TO BE ON FAMILY GIFT LIST
DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette for buying a step-grandchild gifts for Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc.? My daughter recently remarried, and I don't even know her stepdaughter. Am I expected to buy her gifts just like my own grandchildren? -- STEP-GRANNY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR STEP-GRANNY: To skimp on gifts for the new addition to your family would be a false economy. Welcome her, get to know her, and treat her like family because that is what she is now. If you discriminate on special occasions, the child will be hurt, her father will feel resentful, and you will put your daughter into an awkward situation. I strongly advise against it.
DEAR ABBY: Although I'm a junior in high school, I'm not old enough to handle all the problems in my family. I think a counselor might help me feel better, but Mother won't hear of it. When I find the courage to try to talk to her, she just says, "Later, honey, I'm busy now!" She doesn't really hear what I'm saying. She's always on the computer and looks like she's hypnotized or something. I would call my dad, but we don't have the money for long-distance calls.
I used to be able to talk to my uncle, but he's in jail now, and I'm not even allowed to mention his name. My friends dismiss my problems when I try to talk to them, so I stopped telling them. My aunt and my grandma hate each other, so I can't talk to them. My aunt has even threatened to kill Grandma.
Last week, I went to the home of a new friend, but it made me very sad. They aren't like my family at all. They were eating together and laughing. I started to cry because I know my family will never be like that.
I had a dream that I reached out my hand, but no one was there. Please help me. -- LOST AND ALONE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LOST AND ALONE: Before I answer your question, let me point out that you are an intelligent and sensitive girl. You may think you are alone in having this problem, but I have received letters from many other girls in exactly your situation -- with mothers who are preoccupied or absent entirely.
It's time to put on your thinking cap. Is there any adult in your life whom you can confide in -- a teacher, a neighbor, a school counselor, the mother of one of your friends? Are there activities you can join (school clubs, Girl Scouts, etc.) that will put you in contact with nurturing female role models? Perhaps one of them could e-mail your mother to shut down her computer and live up to the responsibility she assumed when she gave birth to you.
Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP. Although your mother, aunt and grandmother may not be the picture-perfect family you wish for, that doesn't mean you will never have one. The lessons you are learning today can one day make you a much more effective parent than the one you have, and you can create the family you yearn for.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)