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Mom's Method of Motivation Is Really Just Verbal Abuse
DEAR ABBY: Ever since my last report card, my relationship with my mother has deteriorated. I got all A's and B's and have a 3.78 GPA. However, this isn't good enough for Mom.
My mother went to Harvard and doesn't understand why I can't get a 4.0. She has started telling me what a failure I am, that I am worthless and have ruined her life. I know she's probably saying these things without thinking, but it still hurts. She doesn't apologize after her temper dies down -- she just acts like everything is OK.
I don't think I deserve to be treated this way. When I try to talk to her about it, she turns it around and says I deserve this treatment because I am a failure. I'm really hurting and don't know what to do. -- SAD DAUGHTER IN MANHATTAN BEACH, CALIF.
DEAR SAD DAUGHTER: I disagree with your mother. Although she may think she is motivating you to do better, telling a child that she is worthless, a failure, and that she has "ruined her life" is verbal abuse. Please talk to an adult relative or counselor at school about interceding on your behalf with your mother, because her standards are unrealistic, and her method is destructive.
DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 20 years to my high school sweetheart. He's a great father and a hard worker. He has always been good to me -- until a year ago when he came to me and confessed that he'd cheated on me with my best friend. I was devastated. The friendship was over, and I made my husband leave.
After things calmed down, we decided to try and work things out because we still loved each other and wanted to try -- not just for us -- but for our children.
I'm trying to pick up the pieces and trust him again, but there's a problem. His job takes him out of town for days at a time, and when he comes home, I'm always checking his cell phone and credit card bills for any sign that he's been unfaithful again. It's been more than a year, but I still don't trust him -- or anyone, for that matter. When he's home, we argue a lot.
The other day, he said, "Let's get the kids, take off for the weekend and renew our vows, because I want to spend the rest of my life with you." Our anniversary is coming up, but I thought it was an odd suggestion, given all our problems. I'm confused and deeply hurt and don't know what I should do. Can you help me? -- NO LONGER TRUSTING IN CALIFORNIA
DEAR NO LONGER TRUSTING: Your husband suggested renewing your vows because he loves you and wants to make a fresh start. It's his way of trying to heal your marriage. However, what's ailing your marriage is the fact you no longer trust him and really haven't forgiven him for straying. Marriage counseling could help you both get past this. Once you have truly forgiven and are ready to make a fresh start, then renewing your vows is a wonderful idea.
DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old and a cutter. I see a counselor and I used to be suicidal. I want to take medication so I can stop cutting, but I don't know how to tell my mom. What should I do? -- TROUBLED TEEN IN TEXAS
DEAR TROUBLED TEEN: Since you feel unable to discuss the subject with your mother, the next time you see your counselor, ask the counselor to help you talk to her. If medication is indicated for your problem, I'm sure the counselor will be happy to facilitate the conversation -- or even talk to your mother for you.
STEP-GRANDCHILDREN DESERVE TO BE ON FAMILY GIFT LIST
DEAR ABBY: What is proper etiquette for buying a step-grandchild gifts for Christmas, Easter, birthdays, etc.? My daughter recently remarried, and I don't even know her stepdaughter. Am I expected to buy her gifts just like my own grandchildren? -- STEP-GRANNY IN TENNESSEE
DEAR STEP-GRANNY: To skimp on gifts for the new addition to your family would be a false economy. Welcome her, get to know her, and treat her like family because that is what she is now. If you discriminate on special occasions, the child will be hurt, her father will feel resentful, and you will put your daughter into an awkward situation. I strongly advise against it.
DEAR ABBY: Although I'm a junior in high school, I'm not old enough to handle all the problems in my family. I think a counselor might help me feel better, but Mother won't hear of it. When I find the courage to try to talk to her, she just says, "Later, honey, I'm busy now!" She doesn't really hear what I'm saying. She's always on the computer and looks like she's hypnotized or something. I would call my dad, but we don't have the money for long-distance calls.
I used to be able to talk to my uncle, but he's in jail now, and I'm not even allowed to mention his name. My friends dismiss my problems when I try to talk to them, so I stopped telling them. My aunt and my grandma hate each other, so I can't talk to them. My aunt has even threatened to kill Grandma.
Last week, I went to the home of a new friend, but it made me very sad. They aren't like my family at all. They were eating together and laughing. I started to cry because I know my family will never be like that.
I had a dream that I reached out my hand, but no one was there. Please help me. -- LOST AND ALONE IN VIRGINIA
DEAR LOST AND ALONE: Before I answer your question, let me point out that you are an intelligent and sensitive girl. You may think you are alone in having this problem, but I have received letters from many other girls in exactly your situation -- with mothers who are preoccupied or absent entirely.
It's time to put on your thinking cap. Is there any adult in your life whom you can confide in -- a teacher, a neighbor, a school counselor, the mother of one of your friends? Are there activities you can join (school clubs, Girl Scouts, etc.) that will put you in contact with nurturing female role models? Perhaps one of them could e-mail your mother to shut down her computer and live up to the responsibility she assumed when she gave birth to you.
Whatever you do, DON'T GIVE UP. Although your mother, aunt and grandmother may not be the picture-perfect family you wish for, that doesn't mean you will never have one. The lessons you are learning today can one day make you a much more effective parent than the one you have, and you can create the family you yearn for.
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DEAR ABBY: I am 21 and having a really hard time right now. My dad left my mom and me about two weeks ago, and I had a miscarriage around the same time.
I told my boyfriend I wanted a break, and now I have feelings for another guy I met about a week ago. He makes me laugh, which I haven't done in weeks. I don't know if I want to get back together with my boyfriend. I do love him -- I just don't know if I want to be with him. Can you please help me? -- FEELING LOST
DEAR FEELING LOST: Sometimes when a person doesn't know what to do, it's time to do nothing. You have been through a lot lately -- in a sense, you have experienced three "losses." You do not need a love interest to make demands on you right now. Your mother will need emotional support until she recovers from the breakup of her marriage. You may also need support because of the miscarriage and your father leaving. Your best bet right now is to maintain friendships with everyone and make commitments to no one. You will recover your balance, but for the time being, take a respite from heavy emotions and drama.
DEAR ABBY: I am 27 and two months' pregnant with my first child. Unfortunately, I have reason to believe my husband, "Anthony," 41, is having an affair. Several times in the past month, I have walked into a room and found him whispering on the phone. Each time he has hung up quickly, and when I asked about it, he said it was "work-related."
When I found a pair of red thong underwear in the laundry that didn't belong to me, he claimed they belonged to his 70-year-old mother who had visited recently.
Anthony also forgot our anniversary.
I am concerned about my baby, and I don't want to be a single mother. Every time I mention my worries about our marriage, Anthony gets angry and threatens to leave. I love him, but is our marriage worth saving? -- FRUSTRATED IN FLORIDA
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Only you can answer that question. Offer your husband the option of marriage counseling in the hope that he'll be more forthcoming in the presence of a referee. If he refuses to go, then go without him, if only to learn why you would even consider tolerating more of his behavior.
DEAR ABBY: I am a girl in sixth grade. My parents are divorced. At school, I'm bully target No. 1 and my grades are dropping.
I don't know how to talk to my parents, and I have been begging them to let me leave school. Can you help me? -- DESPERATE IN DALLAS
DEAR DESPERATE: I'll try. Clip this letter, show it to your parents and tell them you wrote it:
DEAR PARENTS: Your daughter is in trouble at school. That is why she begs you not to make her go -- and that should have been your first clue. You are overdue for a serious chat with your child. After that, schedule an appointment with her school principal. Most schools have policies for dealing with bullies, but they can't be implemented if the incidents go unreported. If that doesn't put an end to the problem, go to the school board -- and possibly a lawyer. The situation will not improve unless you are prepared to act on your child's behalf, so don't put it off.
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