What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Woman Won't Kindle Romantic Flame if She Moves Too Fast
DEAR ABBY: When I date a man, I wine and dine him with gifts and candlelight dinners, but they never seem to be appreciated. Not only that, none of them ever do anything for me. I am always being stood up, heartbroken, used or taken advantage of.
What am I doing wrong? What do men want or look for in a woman? Also, should I be dating men who are separated? -- LONELY AND CONFUSED, COLUMBIA, MD.
DEAR LONELY: You're giving too much, too soon. Most men want a challenge and enjoy the thrill of pursuit. If you take that away from them, they take you for granted.
Men who are separated are still married. Moreover, they are just coming out of a bad experience. Unless your idea of a pleasant evening is hand-holding and commiserating, a good rule of thumb is to look for someone who hasn't recently been burned.
DEAR ABBY: I need some love advice. I'm scared of making a commitment to the man of my dreams. He's my sister's ex-husband.
I always knew I liked him, but now I know I love him. He and my sister were married for only a year and a half, and they have been divorced for three years. I have three small children and am currently in the middle of a divorce myself.
Can I break that unwritten rule about not dating the exes of your sisters or girlfriends and still feel like a good human being? -- CONFUSED IN CONNECTICUT
DEAR CONFUSED: Much depends on the degree of bitterness in the failure of your sister's marriage. Are they emotionally as well as legally divorced? Were there children involved? How mature is everyone involved? If the answers to my questions are: no, yes, and not very -- accept that a union with this man will cause World War III in your family and be prepared to pay the price, which will be a bitter rift.
DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away after a long struggle with breast cancer. She lived in our home; we were her caregivers, and her absence is mourned every day.
My problem is my mother's family. I have called and written to them, but have had little response.
My 90-year-old grandmother came to our home a few weeks after Mom died and went from room to room taking inventory of things she wanted her "boys" to have. She then called and gave me an additional list of "family" items she wanted for sentimental reasons. I know there is more to it than sentiment. My mother had these things for 40 years, but for some reason, it's not OK for me -- her adopted daughter -- to keep them.
I realize they were only "things," but my hurt is palpable because they represented a family connection I thought I had all these years.
I knew I was adopted, but it took my grandmother to make me realize that in her eyes adoption means "unworthy." Any advice would be appreciated. -- FEELING UNWORTHY IN TEXAS
DEAR FEELING UNWORTHY: Your grandmother's behavior is appalling. Has she always been this way, or could she be suffering from dementia? If she has all her marbles, then please note that the items your mother brought to your home were hers regardless of who covets them -- and cannot be removed without your permission. Did your mother have a will? Did she have an attorney? Please discuss this with a lawyer -- and if necessary, a grief counselor to help you during this difficult period. You have my sympathy for the loss of both your mother and your illusions about the people you considered to be your family.
Few Legal Remedies Exist to Help Elderly Con Victims
DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Worried Sick in Alabama," whose mother was about to give money to a known con man. The same thing happened to my mother, who didn't stop "lending" money until $67,000 was gone.
The district attorney, two police departments and an attorney who specializes in elder issues sympathized with me, but no one could do anything. They told me, in effect, that as long as people are mentally competent, they can do whatever they want with their own money. Trusting, naive and misguided do not constitute incompetence.
Finally, I hired a private detective who found pending felony theft charges and other incriminating facts about the guy who was conning my mother. I believe she was persuaded more by the fact I hired a private detective than by what he dug up. She did quit writing checks, but I live in constant fear that some other con artist will find her.
I encourage "Worried" to find some way to invest her mother's money so that Mom won't have instant access to it. If possible, she should be convinced to let her daughter pay her bills for her, and set up a checking account where two signatures are required.
This is a difficult and, I suspect, widespread problem. I don't know what the answer is, because it includes issues of dignity and self-worth, as well as independence. I know elderly people who have lost their good judgment, and will lose their ability to pay their own way because of it. -- STILL WORRIED IN ALABAMA
DEAR STILL WORRIED: Perhaps the next letter will ease your mind. Read on:
DEAR ABBY: We at the National Center on Elder Abuse read the tragic letter from "Worried Sick in Alabama." Sadly, her story illustrates how financial crimes pose a growing threat to the well-being and independence of our "greatest generation."
It is cause for concern when a senior grants unusual access or control of his or her assets to another person in suspicious circumstances. A challenge in detecting this is that victims may be reluctant to reveal financial abuse or accuse their abuser out of fear of retaliation or losing their independence. They may also feel embarrassed or reluctant to get the perpetrator in trouble.
In addition to consulting an attorney and contacting law enforcement, our advice is to report concerns to Adult Protective Services, the long-term care ombudsman or the state attorney general's office. Call the Eldercare Locator, a public service of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Administration of Aging, at (800) 677-1116 (Monday through Friday, 9 a.m. to 8 p.m. EST) to quickly find the numbers of your local agencies. To learn more about how to prevent, recognize or respond to elder abuse, neglect or exploitation, please visit our Web site at www.elderabusecenter.org.
Thank you, Abby, for helping millions of American seniors with your informative and sensitive advice. -- AMY HANLEY, NATIONAL CENTER ON ELDER ABUSE
DEAR AMY: Thank you for a helpful letter; you will never know how many people you have helped today. It breaks my heart that these services are necessary, but I'm grateful that you are there to protect vulnerable seniors from predators.
Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
DEAR ABBY: I am a 54-year-old married man with two wonderful children. Two months ago, I was diagnosed with colon cancer. That was the first shock. Then I learned that I would need to have part of my colon removed and would have a permanent colostomy. I was devastated.
I had the surgery and am healing, but I don't know how to get on with my life. I need more help with self-care than my doctor can give me. I also have questions about intimacy, returning to my career and participating in activities with my family.
Is there any place I can find support from other people who have had this kind of surgery? I feel so alone. -- B.J. IN GEORGIA
DEAR B.J.: You are not alone. There are an estimated 750,000 people with ostomies in the United States, and I am told that number increases by about 65,000 each year. One of them is a woman who works out with me at my gym -- and believe me, she lives a very full life and misses out on nothing in her business or personal life.
You should contact the United Ostomy Association Inc. It's a nonprofit organization whose mission is to provide education, information and support for people who have had ostomy or related surgeries. There are many resources available for you. Call the toll-free number, (800) 826-0826, between 7:30 a.m. and 5 p.m. PST. An individual will answer your call and provide ostomy information and referrals to local support chapters and special-interest networks. The UOA Web site is www.uoa.org. It contains information about different types of surgeries, ostomy management tips, patient discussion boards, organizational activities, and links to sources for ostomy products.
Please don't procrastinate about contacting them. It will make a positive difference in your rehabilitation and help you to return more quickly to a full, productive life.
DEAR ABBY: I am 12 years old, and I am the only male I know who reads your column. There is no reason for us guys not to, because you give unconditional advice. You help us see different views from our own, just like you do with females. So don't be afraid, guys -- read it! -- READS EVERYTHING
DEAR READS: Bless you for the endorsement, but I have a flash for you -- males of every age read my column. (They just don't always tell each other about it.)
I'm pleased you are an enthusiastic reader. If I could give younger people one piece of advice, it would be: Read, read, read! In reading, you will open up new worlds, real and imagined. Read for information; read for pleasure. Our libraries are filled with knowledge and joy, and it's all there -- free for the taking. A person who does not read is no better off than the person who CANNOT read.
DEAR ABBY: The advice you gave "Afraid for the Children" concerning the two 5-year-old girls walking home alone was correct.
I should know. I am a police officer. Those two little girls are definitely in danger walking home alone. Five-year-olds are extremely vulnerable to predators and traffic violators. It is important for concerned adults to safeguard children. Calling the police for assistance is vital, as an investigation is necessary to see why those children have been put in such a dangerous situation.
Don't wait until it's too late and children are abducted or hit by a speeding car. When it comes to children, it is always better to be safe than sorry. -- BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY
DEAR BETTER: Amen!
CONFIDENTIAL TO MY JEWISH READERS: Happy Passover!
Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)
to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)