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Woman in Love With Liar Is Ready to Face the Truth
DEAR ABBY: I am helplessly in love with a man who treats me like dirt. I'll call him "Brad." We have been together for eight years.
During that time, he has told me he was married (he has been divorced for the past five years), and lied about having cancer. Everything that comes out of his mouth is pretty much a lie.
Last year, Brad and I had a baby girl. He wanted no part of having a baby and avoided me during the entire pregnancy. To top it off, when I was in my ninth month, I found out he was seeing someone else. He swears nothing happened. He says he just needed someone to talk to.
For the baby's sake, I placed her for adoption, and she is with a good family. Now that the baby is gone, Brad has come around acting sweet and caring. Yet he still excludes me from family functions and cares more about his ex-wife's feelings than mine.
Am I sick in the head to be in love with Brad? How do I stop loving him and find a normal relationship? -- HELPLESSLY IN LOVE
DEAR HELPLESS: Are you sick in the head? If galloping masochism is a classifiable illness, the answer is yes. Somehow you have confused pain and anxiety with love. How do you stop loving him and find a normal relationship? A psychotherapist can help you understand why you have tolerated the abuse, and help you rebuild your self-esteem and learn to form healthy relationships. Your physician can refer you.
Fill your time with worthwhile activities to distract you from loneliness while you're getting your head straight. One rewarding activity is to volunteer your spare time to a worthy cause -- working with animals, the elderly or a charity of your choice. It's also a way to meet constructive people.
DEAR ABBY: I'm a 22-year-old woman. When I was 11, my parents divorced. Because Mom was an alcoholic and a drug addict, my brother and I lived with our dad.
I know a 16-year-old boy named "Sam" who is experiencing the same thing. His parents are divorced and he lives with his mother. She, her boyfriend and his friends smoke a lot of weed in the home and are stoned most of the time. Sam has tried to talk to her about it, but she only yells that he can't tell her what to do because he's the kid, not the mother. He wants to move out, but his brother is only 9, and Sam can't support them both.
Sam has thought about telling his father what his mother is doing, but he's afraid his mother will never forgive him.
Abby, I care for both the boys. I don't want to sit idly by and do nothing. Should I tell someone, or keep my trap shut? -- ON THE FENCE IN RHODE ISLAND
DEAR ON THE FENCE: Get off the fence. Contact Sam's father and fill him in on what's going on. It will give him a chance to intervene and take custody of his children -- which could be a step in the right direction for all concerned. If his father is a responsible adult, Sam and his brother will have a more normal home environment, and the mother will be put on notice that there are consequences for her actions. Let's hope it helps her clear her head.
Woman Keeps Grandpa Close With a Penny in Her Pocket
DEAR ABBY: I loved the letters you printed about "Pennies From Heaven." I have another one for your collection. My grandfather was diagnosed with advanced prostate cancer, and we knew he didn't have a lot of time left.
On Monday I went to see him. He was semi-conscious, but he knew I was there. When I asked him a question, he would try to answer. When I put my lips to his, he'd give me little kisses. I said goodbye that evening and promised him I'd return the next day.
On Tuesday he was weaker. We felt he was already on his way to heaven. Once again, I said goodbye. On the ride home, I prayed he would go peacefully. My grandmother had a long ordeal in the hospital during her last days. I didn't want Papa to suffer like she did.
On Wednesday morning, my mom called and told me that Papa had stopped breathing. I dropped everything and drove as fast as I could to be by his side, but I was too late. I was unable to say a last goodbye or tell him how much I loved him.
My husband and I own a car reconditioning business. That day, a car was being cleaned for a customer. The employee who cleaned the car found a penny under one of the seats, and because he knew I liked old coins, he placed it on my computer keyboard so I'd be sure to see it when I got back to work.
When I returned to the office, I examined the penny and bawled my eyes out. It was a 1919 wheat penny -- the year my grandfather was born. Although I didn't get to say a final goodbye to him, I feel this was his way of saying goodbye to me.
Ever since that day, I carry that penny in my pocket as a reminder that he is still with me. -- AT PEACE IN OKLAHOMA
DEAR AT PEACE: Although your grandfather was semi-conscious, I am sure he knew you were with him at the last and heard your goodbye. I have received letters from nurses in hospitals attesting to the fact that patients who are comatose often hear and understand conversations going on around them -- and that negative comments can impact upon a patient's progress.
However, I'm pleased that your discovery of the 1919 wheat penny brought comfort. Many readers have shared your feeling of reassurance after finding a "penny from heaven."
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Ted," and I have been happily married for five years. He gets along well with my family, but refuses to have contact with his own mother.
Ted's mother is an alcoholic and generally abusive because of it. (She even hit me once.) She has stolen money from his savings account, and once we had to bail her out of jail. She is also a pathological liar and has caused the whole family a lot of grief.
Ted's father left her, remarried, and is doing well.
Now and then, Ted's mother writes him and sends little gifts to show she's thinking about him. She says she has changed.
Ted doesn't want to give her the chance to hurt him again, but he is filled with so much insecurity because of his past that I think it might be time for them to reunite.
Do you think he should contact her, Abby? -- CONFUSED IN TEXAS
DEAR CONFUSED: I think the decision about whether to reunite with his mother should be strictly your husband's, and you and I should stay out of it.
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Girl Is Tired of Dating Game in Which She Always Loses
DEAR ABBY: I was in a relationship for nine months. It didn't work out. Now it seems like every guy I'm attracted to turns out to be a real jerk. After they kiss me, I fall for them, but they don't fall back.
There is this guy I have liked for several years. He has already made it clear that he wants to kiss me. I'm afraid that if he does, I'll fall for him, but he won't fall for me. What should I do? -- DUMPED IN PITTSBURG, KAN.
DEAR DUMPED: Your problem is that you become attached before you know who those boys are. Slow down. Tell this young man that you'd prefer he get to know you before the kissing starts. Until then, make sure that when you see him, there are other people around -- so it's not so easy to become amorous. If he continues to show an interest, chances are you won't lose him if you kiss him.
DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old married woman with a loving husband who would never cheat on me. I have been having an affair for the last eight years. The other man, "John," is also married, and he has a family. I met John at my part-time job, and he also works with my husband.
Four months ago, I decided I needed to be faithful to my husband and I ended the affair. John has now begun having an affair with one of my co-workers, a woman I consider to be a trashy person. This has hurt me terribly. When I see them, I feel like telling his wife everything -- but this would only endanger my marriage, and I don't want to hurt my husband. Abby, help me get over this affair. -- CAN'T STOP HURTING
DEAR HURTING: What goes around usually comes around, sooner or later. Your "trashy" co-worker will get burned, so be patient and resist the urge to inflict pain. Your former lover is a serial cheater. The ultimate victims are his wife and children, not you. The quickest way to get over the affair is to find another job, realize how lucky you are that your marriage is still intact, and concentrate your energies on your husband and your future.
DEAR ABBY: Our friend, "Jake," and my husband have helped each other out for years. Jake repairs our cars; my husband helps him out with his computer needs.
The last time we had trouble with our car, Jake said he'd look at it. He called later and said we needed new brakes, some adjustments, and that some of the fluids needed to be changed. He estimated the cost would be about $200.
When Jake finished the repairs, he brought our car back (instead of our picking it up like we usually do) and left a bill in the car for $400 -- $100 for brakes and fluids, $300 for labor.
We were shocked. Jake never charged for his labor before, and my husband has never charged Jake for working on his computer. We contacted a nearby auto repair shop to compare prices, and they quoted less than Jake charged us. Now we don't know what to say or do. Help! -- BARTERING BLUES
DEAR BARTERING: Too bad Jake didn't warn you in advance that he was renegotiating the arrangement. Give him his money, and in the future, charge for any help he requests for his computer. You don't have to end the friendship -- just take a giant step backward and take nothing for granted.
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