For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
Daughter Yearns to Drive Despite Mom's Trepidation
DEAR ABBY: My 14-year-old daughter, "Michelle," wants to take driver's education next year when she's in the 10th grade. Most of her friends will be taking the class. I explained to her that I'm so afraid something will happen while she's behind the wheel, I don't want to sign for the class or her permit.
Michelle has assured me that she's responsible and would never drive without my consent. She says I should trust her. She's a great child -- a straight-A student and very trustworthy. I do trust her, but I can't get over my fear of losing her. She says she understands, but I see the hurt in her eyes whenever she tries to talk to me about it.
Yesterday a boy in a nearby city, driving with only his permit, was in an accident that killed seven children -- ages 15 and under. I'm sure the boy's parents trusted their son or they wouldn't have signed for his permit. Now they have to live with this. I don't think I could handle the guilt. I'm afraid if I sign, Michelle may drive the way that boy did and wind up in a fatal accident. Children aren't perfect. Sometimes they do things they shouldn't.
Am I doing the right thing? Please help me, Abby. -- PROTECTIVE MOM, GLEN, MISS.
DEAR PROTECTIVE MOM: Much as you might wish to, you cannot "protect" a child by keeping her ignorant. In her driver's education class she will learn basic rules of the road, including how to safely operate an automobile under strict supervision. After that, some states, including your own, place significant restrictions on teenage drivers. Only at age 18 is a person entitled to apply in Mississippi for a full, unrestricted one-year license.
If you wish to add restrictions of your own, the option is yours, particularly if the car is yours. I suggest making a contract with her that stipulates what grade average she must maintain to keep her driving privileges, limiting the number of passengers she can transport, and also setting distance limits. A version of the following contract has appeared in my column before:
DRIVING CONTRACT
I ( ), agree to the stipulations stated below granting me the privilege of driving. If, at any time, I violate this agreement, my driving privileges will be forfeited.
(1) Should I get a traffic ticket, I agree to pay for the ticket, as well as the difference in the insurance premium for as long as the premium is in effect.
(2) I agree to pay for damages that I incur not covered by insurance.
(3) At no time will I ever drink alcoholic beverages and drive, nor will there ever be any in the car.
(4) I will not drive the car until I and all passengers have buckled up.
(5) I will keep the car I drive clean, inside and out, be aware of its needs for gas, oil, etc., and wax it as needed.
I have read the above agreement and sign it in accordance with the rules.
Signed,
( ) Child
( ) Parent
Date:
Dinner Conversation Leaves Deaf Guest Out of the Loop
DEAR ABBY: I was at a dinner party recently. One of the guests, who was totally deaf, was completely ignored. Not once did anyone attempt to include him in the conversation. I don't know how he stood it.
After dinner I talked to him. He told me he is used to being ignored by hearing people at parties and hated attending them. He was there to please his wife, who is not deaf.
He spoke well and was good at lip-reading. He was intelligent, knowledgeable, and has a good job. He told me he would bring a good book to these gatherings if his wife didn't think it'd be rude.
Abby, how would you have handled this? I'm going to send your answer to every person I know. -- SHOCKED BY THE RUDENESS
DEAR SHOCKED: A gracious hostess tries her best to assure that all of her guests will have a good time, and facilitates conversation. If I had been the hostess, I would have spoken with the couple in advance and elicited some interesting facts about the man. Then I would have shared them with the rest of my guests, as well as the fact that he could lip-read.
The alternative would be to "casually" mention that he is distantly related to Warren Buffett or Bill Gates, or that he's connected in the motion picture business. But then you'd probably have to hire police protection to keep the other guests from mobbing him. (Only joking!)
DEAR ABBY: My husband "Rick's" former wife, "Pearl," is determined to spoil Father's Day for my husband. It happens every year. They have four grown children; the youngest is 28. Pearl invites all of the children to her house for dinner on Father's Day. She also invites Rick's father. (Rick and his father don't have the best relationship.)
I know she does it to hurt Rick. There are 52 weeks in a year, and she could invite Rick's dad over on any of the other 51 weekends. She is so conniving that even a 4-year-old could see through her.
Rick and I never interfere with her plans for Mother's Day or any other holiday.
We can't make plans in advance and outfox her because she always issues the invitation so far in advance. Does she have a lack of class or what? How can we get around this? -- FRUSTRATED IN WISCONSIN
DEAR FRUSTRATED: Discuss this situation with Rick's father and the children. Tell the children their father would love to have them spend Father's Day with him from now on. After all, it is supposed to be HIS special day. Say the same thing to Rick's father, and it might be a step in the right direction in mending their relationship. If they are unwilling to cooperate, the two of you should make special plans of your own on Father's Day.
DEAR ABBY: This question is very important to an elderly friend of mine, and I don't have the answer. Abby, if you are born on Feb. 29, what day do you celebrate on the years that are not leap years? No one I've asked seems to know. -- LULA IN LAKE CHARLES, LA.
DEAR LULA: There are several ways to deal with it. Celebrate the big day on Feb. 28 or March 1 -- or if he or she would prefer to age more slowly, celebrate the birthday only every four years!
For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)
WOMAN IS DROWNING IN SORROW AFTER TRAUMATIC SWIMMING PARTY
DEAR ABBY: I am so mad! My husband doesn't understand my feelings and told me to write and ask for your opinion.
We threw a swimming party for our son's fifth birthday. We invited a few of his closest friends from kindergarten, along with their parents, and his grandparents, aunts, uncles and cousins.
I went inside to change my clothes and ran smack into a burglar. He tied me up with cords from the window blinds; then he used one of my husband's ties to gag me and left me squirming on the floor. I was bound so tightly I couldn't work my way out of the room.
I figured someone would come looking for me. I am an extrovert, and I was sure my absence would not go unnoticed. I wriggled around for what seemed like an eternity before anyone came looking for me. In reality, it was 45 minutes of misery before my husband walked in, trailed by our children.
My family and our guests had not noticed I was missing for all of that time! Abby, I was crushed. They have tried to explain it away, but I am mortified. I can't seem to get over this. My family thinks I am making too much of it, but I find myself breaking down in tears all the time. What do you think I should do to get over this and get my life back on track? -- ALL TIED UP IN PALM SPRINGS
DEAR TIED UP: You have my sympathy, and there is a name for what you are experiencing: It is post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). It often occurs in people who have survived a disaster, such as an earthquake, flood, car accident or being a victim of a crime. The feelings of anger you are aiming at your family and friends should appropriately be aimed at the burglar who invaded your home, hog-tied you and violated your sense of security.
Before any more time elapses, I urge you to ask your doctor to refer you to a psychotherapist who specializes in PTSD. Please don't wait to make the call, because it's the quickest way to resolve your anger and feel better.
DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Danny," is obsessed with his cousin's little daughter, to the point where he thinks she is his (and acts like she's his, too). If Danny doesn't see her often enough, he says he's in "withdrawal." She doesn't live near us, so it's expensive getting her here. Danny is out of work at the present time, and doesn't consider the fact that I'm the one earning the money.
I have an older child from another relationship, and I would love for Danny and me to have one of our own. However, he says we can't afford another child. It hurts me that he wants his cousin's child, but not mine.
Danny accuses me of being jealous. Am I overreacting? -- RESENTFUL IN ILLINOIS
DEAR RESENTFUL: Money may be tight now, but you and Danny could benefit from marriage counseling. Your questions are valid, but the person providing the answers should be your husband -- in the presence of a referee. His attachment to his niece does seem excessive. (Could the child really BE his daughter?)
DEAR ABBY: My live-in boyfriend of 12 years won't let me visit my never-married girlfriends on the East Coast. He says they're man-haters, which has some validity. But these are long-time friends who share intellectual interests he and I do not. How can I manage his feelings and have my freedom, too? -- MANAGING HIS FEELINGS
DEAR MANAGING: You're asking the wrong question. His feelings are his feelings. His insecurities are his insecurities. You can't fix him; only he can do that.
He is only your live-in -- not your husband and not your warden. The question you should be asking yourself is why you are allowing him to dictate who you can and cannot visit.
For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)